Feeling miserable due to bf's mother

I have been with my bf for 4 Years ++. I have always wish i can improve my relationship with his mother. But, i really cannot stand anymore. I feel very tired. I tried putting efforts to buy the right present for her, but rarely she will like it. Everytime when go out with my bf and she tags along, my bf cannot show his love obviously in front of her. I need to guard whatever i say. My bf cannot pay for me in front of her if we buy stuffs.

Talk about the recent one :
It was her birthday last week, frankly speaking, i didnt really spend time earlier to buy present for her as i was too busy working. While doing my last minute shopping, i decided to buy her a royal jelly honey gift set for her health purpose. Before i bought, i called my bf to ask his opinion. He said okay. IN facts, he told me is perfectly fine even if is no present. When i meet up with my bf, we went to cake shop to get a cake for her. It was an ordinary small brownie cheese cake.

We proceeded with our dinner at a reputable restaurant later on. His father, mother, elder brother and gf were there. Over the dining table, his brother and gf each took out respective necklace that they bought for her. When we done with our dinner, i tried to get affirmation with my bf whether the present that i bought she will like. He changed his mind, and asked me to keep it for our own use instead . I couldnt control and really felt hurt. We had some small fights after that, and the next day, I actually try to approach his mother again by asking whether she takes Honey. Her answer was "no, no, i dont take sweet thing anymore, dont give me any Honey". I cried and broke down again.

I dont know how to express my feelings, it might seems simple or childish to some of u, but these are part of the accumulated incidents that happened along my relationship with my bf.

Besides of the shared story, i really cannot stand her commentative attitudes anymore. She is always pessimistic at the same time realistic. She always comments and wants people to follow her rules. I really love my bf anymore, but now im really feeling very hurt, hopeless and emotional down there. Everytime when i see my bf, i feel moody and very unhappy. If i share with him, he will encourage by saying dont keep things happened in my heart. But i still cannot recover from what had happened.

My bf is very forgetful person...
His mother will email to me occasionally if my bf lost his house keys, office keys, asking me to duplicate back her spare keys for her. In the email, she seldom even ask how am i or any regards. When i told my bf how frustrated am i, he will say, i still need to respect old people. His mother will email to me if my bf need license renewal or membership renewal...
I did for him all those and i know he understands i have been persevering as well as assisting him esp. when he is really busy and forgetful over little things. However, i feel things are not improved. To her mother, everyday is only her son, her son, and her son....

Day by Day, i really feel very down, useless and very unhappy I dont feel like having any closer relationship with his mother anymore because im really pressure. But everytime, i manage to forget and later it haunts me again due to her unstoppable same way of treating me ....

Im crying while typing this now...

I really need help Please somebody give genuine advices ....

Hi,
I can sense your frustration in your post. Mothers of boyfriends and mother-in-laws can be tough relationships sometimes. Regarding the gift - I think your BF changed his mind because he felt the other gift (necklace) over shadowed the honey gift box. But this isn't your fault. I think the first problem here is that your Bf's mom is a strong matriarchal figure in this family. You've already noticed that she's opionated and has a bit of an attitide. She's obviously the top figure and every one else is basically under her, so to speak - including her son. Your Bf is part of the problem in that - he tolerates her behavior and lets her get away with it. I think your BF is a little too passive and should be nicely telling his mom to be more respectful to you.
I think after 4 years your boyfriend should have played a bigger role in the selection of the birthday present. It also appears like he's used to having things done FOR him. Probably his mom spoiled him and now she training YOU to do things for him. He should be doing his own errands and if he really is too busy and wants your help - then he should be e-mailing you - not her. He needs to be more responsible for himself and learn to stand up for you and himself nicely. I'm not saying you and he should declare war - nothing will get solved that way. Did his mom know that you bought the honey giftset when she said "oh no, don't buy me honey"? If she did then that wasn't polite. For the next birthday I would just stick with jewelery or a gift card. Tell him that if he wants something done then he should ask you.
Have you thought about taking her out to lunch (just the 2 of you). You can nicely explain how you feel worried about her not liking you and how you would like things to improve between you because you both love her son. But the main problem is with your Bf. He needs to learn to participate more and request a certain level of respect from his mom. Best of luck.

I totally agree. I have dated some guys whos mothers loved me and some who, they would make backhanded comments to me to let me know I wasn't welcomed. My ex-fiancee, his mother was fine but his father made it very known that, because my family is a lower-class family, I would never be good enough for him. And it's just that "he's my baby" attitude. She thinks that nobody will ever be good enough for her baby.

And, I think, if someone bought me a gift, whether I would use it or not, I would still be appreciative for the thought and show that I really liked that they even THOUGHT to buy me something.

I also agree that, if you're feeling this way, it is valid. And he needs to take that into consideration. He is old enough now to tell his mother that the 2 of you deserve the same level of respect you show her. Even if she never likes you, that doesn't mean she should disrespect you.

I'm more confrontational and don't let stuff like that slide so, personally, I would put my foot down and say something to her myself. Especially after over 4 years, she needs to give this up already! Its his life and he is going to live it how he wants. Her main concern should be that you make him happy, it shouldn't be about her. If she is that narcissistic I'm not sure there is anything you can do. ultimately, its up to you how you deal with it but I don't think its healthy to keep trying and trying and then holding all this hurt inside of you.

Your all far too polite for me lol, I would tell her to take a running jump and if the boyfriend didnt like it he can jump with her.

I never got along with my mother in law either. I think the ones that are nice must be rare. I think they always will think of their sons as their babies and to them you are just competition for affection - thats how I always felt anyway. You can only do your best at being nice to them, but if they constantly treat you with distain, then there isn't much you can do. My mother in law caused alot of grief in my marriage - but thankfully she passed away recently. I am not sorry.
I too have a son - I just hope I am not like her if he ever gets married!

Lisa

Ha ha ha - what a great response. I wish so much that I could have done that.

Lisa

You will be a very miserable person for the rest of your life if you end up permanently in this family, allowing this woman to bully you. She sounds like a control freak!!

My advice would be dump him. You are saying that you are not happy anymore and sad all the time. To me life is too short. If your not happy move on!

Hi Lynn,
Thank You for your point of view. Your sound judgement in regards to his mother is close accurate. I have one problem here, i do not know how to approach my bf about this problem. Once i bring this up, we will have never-ending fights. I really feel is unworthy to damage it due to these everytime when its happen. It will keep coming back. I told my sisters ( i have 4 sisters), their advice is the most important is me and my bf future, not others..... but it isnt as simple as that

Regarding my bf should be the one who is emailing me, no ... he will not do that because he will think this is petty stuff, he rather spend time on his work instead. Now that u said, i realised he has responsible too about this. But, again i do not know how to get his nice attention in dealing with this issue.

His mother does not know i have bought Honey, but as for me marking with assurance, 100% certain she will say the same thing even if she knows... And you are right, maybe the next time i buy a gift, i should focus on giving jewelery or gift card.

THe last point, no, i never thought of bringing her lunch, just the two of us or the intention of bringing all this up for a discussion. Because i will have no chance to talk ... She will keep nagging, blaming and bringing up old stories about her sacrifices to her sons.. Yeah, my bf will not do that, he will only fight or lose patience when dealing all this issues with women (both me and his mother)

And Lynn, i just need someone to listen to me, they wont

Hi Salukigirl,
Im sorry to hear about your side of story and how unfortunate it was being treated by your ex-father as someone who would never be good enough for his son.

Yeah, i think i will accept anything that someone give to me. (even if it doesnt suit me or i dont need it) But her mother is someone who is living with rules and high of her own principles. SHe has her thoughts of every single decision. THe problem is my bf always think those are not problems, and hope i will not be sensitive. When i bring it up, the way he talks is throwing it back to me as if im so disrespecful... I know i have my own problem too, i told him i have done so much for him and his mother (pack food for her everytime if i drop by her house, as she is super triftty and will not purposely go out to eat... she doesnt cook, but she will expect his son's future wife to cook <thats another story>) So, my bf would be angry and said something like "dont do anymore !! dont do, if want to bring up next time" It ended up awfully that i really do not know how to solve it.....

I do not want to make it as if both my bf and his mother are bad ones, he does love me a lot... I just want to solve this problem and it seems like the choices are limited

Is it a right way to treat nothing has ever happened instead ? My bf can do that all the time. He is an optimistic person...
What im doing now perceived to him im such an arrogant, pessimistic and demanding gf.... I do not want to give these kind of impressions...

Ha Ha Ha Tishie ,

Yeah .... How i hope i can do that too.

I think whether i do something or dont do anything, i will still get comments from her ... can consider yours.. lol

THank You !

Hi Lisa,

Than You for your post... Short and SImple but justified rightly there...

Yeah, at some points i really do not know what i can do anymore ... If i want to avoid her, i hope to get some understandings from my bf too... ANd i cant be avoiding her forever.... REcalled, there was once, she told me "i will not stay with any of my sons (she has 3 sons.. my bf is a twin), because i will not be able to get along with daughter-in-laws... they will keep everything in the heart and will end up screwing my relationship with my sons.. i wouldnt want that." It wasnt soothing to hear this (to me)
What i have mentioned in the thread about my experiences is only less than 10% of what i have been through with her ... Words and her doings...

And yeah, i hope i will not be like her too when im old with bunch of kids and their respective partners later...

Hi CJR520 & Rmdctc,
THank You for your posts...

No, i love my bf a lot and we are inseparable .......

[quote=angelatby;1012026]Hi Lisa,

Than You for your post... Short and SImple but justified rightly there...

Yeah, at some points i really do not know what i can do anymore ... If i want to avoid her, i hope to get some understandings from my bf too... ANd i cant be avoiding her forever.... REcalled, there was once, she told me "i will not stay with any of my sons (she has 3 sons.. my bf is a twin), because i will not be able to get along with daughter-in-laws... they will keep everything in the heart and will end up screwing my relationship with my sons.. i wouldnt want that." It wasnt soothing to hear this (to me)

Interesting - your 'mother in law' is aware that she doesn't get along with the daughter-in-laws, or has she made her mind up that she wont? This seems a negative thing for her to say to you. When she says 'they keep everything in their heart and will end up screwing my relationship with my sons..." do you think she wants you to open up th her more and talk about things? I wonder how she would react if you were to bring up the things that are worrying you - in as nice a away as possible. Would it be possible to say to her that you really love your boyfriend and you want to get along with her very much too, but some things she does (and explain to here exactly which things) makes this diffficult?
Is she still married?

Lisa

Hi, I know I'm new to your conversation. Honestly I would tell your boyfriend that I don't appreciate the way your mother is treating me. I think that you have more then tried to be nice to her. I think her insults are way out of line. I don't see how you are putting up with this. Your boyfriend has no reason to be upset with you because his mother is acting ridiculous. He should be the one who should take care of this. And if he doesn't want to fix the problem then I would tell her myself. If this doesn't stop she is just going to keep on and on and on. Well by the sounds of it, it already has. I would also tell your boyfriend that next time your family is having a family function,I will not be attending. Just tell him I'm not going to be treated like that from her. It would be something different if you did something to her but you haven't. I hope this works out for you.

oh boy I couldn't wait to jump into this conversation ....I have been dating a man for 8 yrs and let me tell you...It wasn't until recently that I have been able to get along with his family..I too tried to talk to him about the situation and it was always me who was the bad guy. recently I have tried something alittle different and it is making things alittle easier and actually his mom and I have been doing much better....first off, try not to complain anymore to him because he will only protect his mom & it makes us look like we are whining...so what I did, just keep it inside and not let them know things they do bother me...in my case , alot of stuff was done to cause problems for the b/f and I and when I started acting like it didn't bother me then things got alittle better...in other words , kill them with kindness...You need to remind him of how much he is going to lose by showing him YOU and not the YOU THEY are trying to make you become....then I started doing things on my own, the B/f started feeling alittle left out and came to me instead of me always telling him how much I missed him...If you tell him you won't be going with him to visit them anymore or to family outings..believe me you will be doing exactly what the mom wants....eventhough things are alittle better....I still dont know if I can deal with this for much longer....I agree with everyone else in saying HE SHOULD STAND UP to his mother but I can tell you first hand IT WONT HAPPEN....life is short and Im not sure I want to wait for him to grow up.. my situation is its all about his family and he doesn't do anything with mine..not sure if he is that way with you or not.....wishing you the best ...hang in there! hugzzzz

Hi Angela,
it seems from your last post, that your Bf is comfortable with his mom being the Head Honcho. He's obviously not willing to stand up to her, because he's comfortable. I think that you should get out of this family because you don't want a lifetime of this. Sorry that my suggestions didn't work out. I bet not even superwoman would be good enough for her baby. Move on and find a man with a backbone and a welocoming family. All the best.

Hi Jerry Michele,

Thank You for your post.
Yeah, i told him when things get bad. Until now, we resolved the past through avoidings as he wont confront his mother in a nice way. It always
end up in a dillemma, such as when his mother start shouting (even when im at his place, she does it in front of me), my bf mostly silent or show face to her... there isnt once things get peaceful. When my bf show face back to her... she will say he disrespect, as in showing face in front of his gf (me).. also means the gf will disrespect her... Their fights will eventually drag me into the conversation.

On the family functions, i attend most of the time. But i will zip up my mouth and talk to no one... really depressed. Or pretend to be happy just to satisfy my boyfriend. Because his family members only talk among themselves.. I have tried many times to be nice to them but i dont get the same way from them, i know i cannot expect things in return. My bf also told me before why he can mix with everyone, why i couldnt... there must be problems.. I couldnt answer this question.

So, i would say, if i want to continue my relationship with him (i decided to), i will face these in my future... I need supports.

I hope im not confusing people who are reading the thread.. Yeah relationship is never simple... I want this, but im not willing to do this..
Like my father said, it cant be possibly u love your man and dont love his mother... u cant do this....

Maybe because of my own emotional attitude... i really feel like dying sometimes...

[quote=Am I crazy?;1012141]Hi Lisa,

Yes, She decided her own mind and she is always pessimistic.. To keep it simple, she has a husband who until today having affair with another woman... SHe said she totally treat this man as nothing (now), but she always teach my bf when his father come home to visit them how to tell lies to get his allowances or his property.. She said the husband never pay for a single cent for the children educations.. She told me how bad is her husband and so on.. I really pity her sometimes. I shed tears for her too.

Is very complicated and that is another story..
I know she been through hard times, however this shouldnt make her a selfish person..
What im feeling is this family is a selfish family and im trying to pull my bf out from this Zone..

To be more caring, not self-centred and a loving one ...

Hi losnbigcity,
Thank You for your post

Im amazed by your long improved relationship with your bf. Did u go through the hard times like mine with his family ?

Actually i feel encouraged by your message.
But it isnt easy to persevere sometimes... I need someone to listen to me especially when i cannot stand anymore and feel like screaming.

Man is a hard nut.. Once or twice they willing to listen to you, but not when it is repetition.. I actually did what you mentioned... I guess that is the only solution now as i really do not want to leave him

I just want to be myself and be happy.. If not i will live in depression and my emotions will overpower me.

Thank You Lynn P

Hi,
I think Lostnbigcity made some really good points. Before you finally make up your mind, you could try what she recommended. But if it doesn't improve after a reasonable time, then you'll have to realize you can't live forever turning the other cheek. Best of luck.

Dear Angela,

It appears, the relationship between your boyfriend and his mother constitutes emotional incest, a.k.a., covert incest, psychic incest. Please, don't misunderstand. I am not suggesting there is a physical, sexual relationship, between your boyfriend and his mother. Rather, there is an emotional bond between the two, more reflective of husband and wife, than son and mother. I recommend, you learn all you can about the subject. There are many writings and publications regarding it.

Once, you have an understanding of their relationship, you may be able to enlighten him. Until then, your life with him will be miserable. You have a formidable task ahead of you, and would do well to enlist professional help.

I wish you the best,

Larry

I'm just wondering what you think your bf would do, if you did tell his mother how you don't like the way she's treating you? Also is your bf the baby of the family? Have you two talked about marriage? If you do marry him and have kids. Have you thought about wanting your child by her. I really would not want any child by her. I think this lady has some serious issues.

angel, i can really relate to you and your situation, seriously...it's kinda freaky. I really feel for you to, because it DOES hurt... it sucks. When my bf and I first moved in together we made the huge mistake of moving into the same complex as his mom and dad and let me say this (although it's an under statement) it was purely hell....everyday. They used me daily, driving my poor car into the ground. He didn't defend me neither, and I was angry with him all the time too. He let his Mom, whose very controlling, disrupt our lives. I am a dominating woman, and that status was taken from me when I moved there. The woman told me every chance she had that she would never like the women her oldest son was with and EVERYDAY she talked about his wife... mentioning even the most unnecessary information, like their sex lives for example. I swear the woman was trying to drive me away.... but I didn't let her. I love my boyfriend I was willing to fight for my stance in our lives, and NOW (after moving to a different town) we have OUR lives back.

After much discussion with m bf about his mom and making him aware of how disruptive she was to our lives... he's puttin his foot down. It took a hell of a lot of work too. I pretty much made it clear to him, either it was OUR lives... me and him making our own decisions.... or he could go live with his mother. He made the right decision as far as I am concerned. We're happier now...thank goodness.

What I recommend for you hun is to make your stance in your life and to not let that woman run your emotions the way she does everything else. You have to be strong to take control of your life, and that means your relationship as well. If your bf is not willing to stand by your side and support you, then he has to go. You can't live unhappily like this.

I really do hope everything gets better for you.... I do know how you feel.