[Martina]

Long story, but I had an affair last year that ended in June. I told my husband about it. It all came out because of a suicide attempt. My husband was surprisingly forgiving, especially considering the fact that this wasn't the first time I've cheated. Back in 2006 when they put me on anti-depressants for the first time, I went into a manic episode and I was having one-night-stands with men I met on the internet and never knew their names. It was bad. I told him about that. I told him about one guy I met back before we ever got married, and had a short one month fling - that one, not attributed to medications, just being depressed and looking for comfort.

So, one of the reasons why I justified the cheating was the fact that our sex life is bismal. When things are GOOD - we average maybe once a month. If that. But we can often go 2-3 months with no physical contact whatsoever. And it never seems to bother him. I am always the one to initiate, he never does. He rejects me all the time. I get so sick of the rejection that I quit trying.

We've had sex twice since I told him about the affair. Once in August, once on Christmas. Didn't even get any on Valentine's Day, or Anniversary, or his birthday.

I have been holding back the affection a little bit, waiting for him to show something. I don't want to be over the top, pushing him too much if he doesn't want anything. I don't want to be rejected. So I hold back. That just means there is NO affection, period.

But he wants to stay married. He must love me, or he wouldn't still be with me after all the ***** I've put him through. The mere fact that he is still around means a lot to me. I know he loves me. But I guess the lust part of love is just gone? How do we get it back?

And to make it worse....I have been having thoughts about that other man lately. Wondering how he is doing. Fantasizing about him. It's been almost a year, why can't I just push it out of my mind and forget about it?

[Rhapsody]

I have found that partners often retreat from intimacy when the other has had an affair..... do you think this might be his reasoning for his loss of affection toward you?

[angelatby]

I think it all depends on you and your partner's routine.. Job nature, work pressure, growing kids and so on ? It will be a litte bit harder if one party has higher sexual urge while the other is not... but it is common if other affairs overpower the intimacy part...

I feel you should talk openly to him how much sex means to you and see how he response. The strange part to me is it doesnt bother him at all when he found out that you cheated on him... In this case, what Rhasody has mentioned would have higher possibility to be true, but no guarantee..

And i believe a couple's affection is not only based on sexuality but many other things.. Such as showing your concern, quality time spending for each other, a simple movie together, a call to say i love you and so on....

[bonaire]

I'm struggling with this situation (on my own) for a while now. Pretty good family life, but my wife and I haven't really been too sexual overall since early-on. Right now, I'm trying to figure out a way to talk to her about it - but at this point, it's once a year for us and I'm not too sure it's going to change.

She did have a total hysterectomy back in summer 2005. We had a moderate to good sex life at the time but the lack of hormones now have her pretty much uninterested. She also put on weight (as I did) and so she ends the day with back problems, feeling wiped out, etc. I've kind of given up on my body personally - I had dropped a lot of weight, felt great but a year ago, just started eating again and gained back the 40-lbs I had lost and then added 10-more.

Affairs do take a big toll on a relationship. I've mentioned mine in other threads here (was in 2004) and we got through that with lots of effort. But there definitely lingers some unspoken "stuff" now that I can sense with her. My affair was partly due to the same issues you mentioned. Lack of intimacy, lack of "connecting" between us, different people overall. The hard part of the affair for me is the woman I met was almost my exact duplicate - kind of like what some call a "soul-mate". I learned a lot about myself and life during that time and I think it helped me grow personally.

I guess the answer is to talk about it (for you and for me too). We have to face the issue, talk to the significant-other and find out if it can change, or not. Be prepared for it not to change, but maybe it can. Don't freak out if he says "well, we're good the way it is". It's a negative prediction, I know, but I think everyone needs to look at multiple outcomes and think about how you'll feel either way. Sure, we can live "reactionary" and just follow the outcome that does occur - but I'm someone who likes to imagine all possible outcomes even if they are sometimes far-fetched. (That does mess with my mind my sometimes when I do that.)

[bearchic34]

Well I have to add my 2 cents worth here. I applaud the fact that you have been honest with your husband about your liasons. I seriously think you need a therapist to find the deep seeded root of why you continue to put your health, your husbands health and your marriage at risk.
Try looking at things from his point of view. Would you want to put yourself in a position to be hurt again or feel used when you are not secure in your marriage. I am sure that he is feeling very self concious about why he isn't enough for you.
You really need to decide why you are still in your marriage. Is it just of convience since you are obviously not happy.
Good luck to you in fighting your demons.....

[Vlo1980]

What you are doing to your husband isn't fair. The fact that you were honest is good but it doesn't make it right. Sex isn't the only nor the best basis for a happy marriage. It is a mixture of friendship, tenderness, concern, understanding, fidelity, responsibility, this is true love and I don't think you have any of those feelings toward your husband. Love isn't selfish. I think it would be a good idea to change your behavior or otherwise you will end up living a very lonely and miserable life. Those guys you're sleeping with won't be there when things get ugly and your husband will. Nothing good can come from such behavior. Appreciate and love him before it's too late.

I hope you realize that, and I wish you the best.