Unwanted Sexual Fantasy toward my therapist

I feel so ashamed and guilty about some sexual fantasy toward my therapist. (My therapist is a female, and i am a female too). I want to kiss her, to cuddle with her, and to be *intimate* with her physically and sexually. I don't know whether i should let her know about those fantasy. I am scare of how she would react to those fantasy. Those fantasy confused and excited me at the same-time. I feel like those fantasy are wrong and unspeakable. I don't know what to do.. I can't get those fantasy off my head. It making me very scare.

If your t is well-trained she can help you with those feelings. Feelings arent right or wrong, they simply....are!

They're fantasies and are in the same class as dreams and might have information about how you related to your mother/primary care giver or be about "strong" feelings you are having about your T/another person or situation and not necessarily be about sex at all.

I would tell your T but not in any great detail, just "in general" and see how she responds. I'd say something like, "I had a fantasy of you where i was kissing you and it embarrasses me to have such thoughts" and see where the conversation goes?

I want to write her a letter, but i don't want to sound like i can't talk to her at all. . I am scare to tell her about it:*(

Writing a letter sounds like a wonderful idea. I know that I find it much easier to write than to talk about difficult things....and my T knows this. He feels that it is better than holding back what I'm feeling.

The scenes are all lumped together in your mind making a too big whole for you I think, the whole dream? Just take one aspect to talk about or, if you can't discuss you fantasized "kissing" her, then just use the phrase "sexual feelings".

I once dreamed I was sucking my own breast and managed to tell T and got a really unexpected response (that had to do with her and me) that was quite helpful to me. Another time I dreamed I had my head in T's lap and she was stroking it and I told her that too.

I suspect that because you were "awake" you feel responsible for your thoughts but we cannot "control" thoughts, don't know what we're going to think next. All our senses and hormones and other bodily functions give rise to our thoughts. It's not wrong to feel sexual or wish for comfort and it's not wrong to pick a partner who one feels safe and loving with/toward. You have not actually acted on your fantasies; think of the child who wishes her parent/mother dead because of frustration from being stopped from doing or getting something they wanted. It's safe for the child to vent in that way and you feel it's safe to explore your feelings for your mother and/or therapist in this way.

My experience was that the SHAME was the hardest part. I felt so ashamed to feel this love for my T.
You can use the old standby - "I think I LIKE like you but I'm really embarrassed about it!!"
I hope that your T is accepting of your feelings - by saying "It's OK, I'm sure it's uncomfortable. It's a normal thing to feel safe and happy and to "like like" a therapist. It's my job to help you figure out who it is in your life who can give you the love back. I care about you, and want to see you feel better and stronger. It's not the same feeling that you have - I love my job and I'm so happy when I am able to help someone, I hope I am helping you."

My therapist was always uncomfortable with my love. As a result I always stayed ashamed of my feelings. I hope this does not happen to you!

i'm so 'happy' to see this post. i'm a girl and have developed the same feelings towards my t. i've only recently started therapy. i was sexually abused as a child and am struggling with my sexuality. but i feel very ashamed of my attraction towards t bc she is trying to help. she is extremely intelligent and beautiful and i don't want her to be uncomfortable being my therapist. so i can never tell her, and in turn, feel like i'm cheating myself out of good therapy.

I'm sorry you were made to feel shame. My therapist has been totally accepting of my feelings toward her. I am uncomfortable with my feelings and have great difficulty talking about them with her but I do because she says it is important for me to accept my feelings and not "beat myself up" over them. I just get all confused because I look to her as a mom figure in my life and it does not feel right to have sexual feelings for her but I do.

reseach has shown that having romantic feelings for the therapist is normal, even if u are of the same sex. I find its easier to just ignore the feelings, and they'll go away in time.

If you ignore feelings, they will keep "pressing" you to address them in some fashion; it is healthier to express them....scary, but better than agonizing over them.

Feelings don't usually just go away.

Thanks for the info:, I appreciate it. I am interested in the research that seems to support the topic of :
heterosexual patient and attraction to same-sex therapist as normal. If you have any suggestions great, if not no problem.

I never dreamed that I would find myself in this situation. I am really struggling with my relationship with my T. She is great, and even though it is hard work during our therapy sessions, I find that I enjoy spending that time with her.

I could never, ever tell her! Part of me wants to discuss this with her, but I can't. I feel like it would ruin everything if I told her. I am just hoping that these feelings will go away!

The relationship between a T and client is very complex. I am still trying to figure it out. I feel like I think about her way too much. I guess because I am lacking an intimate relationship in my life, she kinda fills that void for me.

Squiggle: As you've been reading and will read in more posts, it's very common to have strong feelings for your t, even sexual feelings, and even for the same-sex t. I have those kinds of feelings too. In my years of therapy, I've found that it's much better if you tell your t. She won't be shocked at all. It will not ruin anything, but will help your therapy. The feelings probably won't go away, but will get stronger if you don't discuss them. I know it's embarrassing, but when you get the feelings out in the open, they won't seem so overpowering to you. I hope you can find the courage to bring it up with your t. Write it if you can't say it.

This is so true - I learned it myself. It's hard, but it is beneficial to the relationship and the therapy....really, if it's not talked about at all, it can hinder the therapy. Once we talked about my attachment feelings, and she was so gentle and nonjudgmental with it all, it actually made me feel freer. Free from whatever shame I had at discovering those feelings were there - it was embarrassing and disconcerting to me to have them, and it took me 3 sessions to get enough out about it that we could have the conversation! But then I was glad I did, because then the feelings had less power over me and also I had permission to feel them, explore what they meant....and see the whole attachment/feelings/relationship as a wonderful chance to learn lessons about my relationships with others. Also, it allowed my T to see and understand me better too - which helps her work with me more effectively.
So....for me, I think discussing the feelings has allowed both my therapy and the therapeutic relationship to deepen in ways it could not have without being open about them. It's OK, it really is!

I called her tonight and we did talk a bit about that. I told her that it felt weird to cry and she does nothing to console me. She asked me what I needed for her to do. I was freaked out by that! She also said that she is not my friend. A friend would console you.

I said, "What I need from you, you cannot give." I also told her that it makes me feel rejected and abandonded to be so emotional and no one is there to console me at all. I think if she just moved closer and sat by me I would feel better. She wouldn't have to hold my hand or hug me.

That is where she says I need to learn to console myself. To be honest, I basically told her that was ridiculous! I mean, who wants to hug themselves???

I told her that if I was going to be on my own with my emotions, why bother coming to therapy? I said that I can be alone in my bathroom and do that!

She said that I was doing very well at expressing my anger and telling her what my needs were. What good did that do?

I am so mixed up about therapy. I just don't really get it at all. I am not giving up on it just yet, but I don't understand it!

Squiggle, I have had this exact conversation with my T, and this is exactly how I feel about it too! You are not alone, and it doesn't seem to make any sense does it. My T however does sometimes hold my hand, and sometimes does sit by me, but then sometimes doesn't. It is confusing, and to feel alone with your pain when you have already had a life of that seems pointless. My opinion, is that it IS pointless. My answer to this is that first of all you need to know what it is like to feel comforted (in our case by a safe person) before we can then learn to comfort ourselves effectively. It's not rocket science is it! And it's not something we should have to point out to T.

not all of them are touchy feely. It really depends on the individual therapist's personal boundaries. I honestly have no idea if my T really *is* touchy feely, even though I've been seeing her for 9 1/2 years. And the reason is......I've never asked her, because I am pretty touch-o-phobic. I did cry in front of her once, but she did not come over and sit down next to me, the only thing she said was the usual "there are kleenex over there". I always shake her hand at the end of a visit and it's a firm one, which is returned......

......however, at the end of the last visit before I moved away 4 years ago, I let my defenses down. I hugged her and didn't ask first, but she hugged me back. I honestly thought I was never going to see her again, and I guess I just got emotional. I think I am going to revisit my feelings on that hug with T sometime down the road, because I have to be real once and for all about being freaked out by physical affection, especially hugging. I am at the point of therapeutic maturity where I can identify that I need to explore why hugging T bothered and still bothers me, instead of wondering in the past if my hug bothered her.

I am SO happy to report that I have processed those feelings and they are no longer driving me crazy with insanity! While I do think she is really cute and I like her personality, and we clique really well, I no longer have those (stupid) sexual thoughts about her. YAY!

It took awhile for me to finally figure out what our relationship is. She is not my friend or a potential mate. She is my safe place. She is the one person that I can confide my deepest thoughts, issues, fears, and desires with. She is the person that I can be myself with. She is non-judgemental, yet gives me feedback to challenge what I am thinking, feeling, or how I am processing something.

I think she is really great and feel totally blessed to have a person like her in my life right now. We are not going to be best friends when this is all over and I have to be okay with that. At this point, I just need to embrace this relationship and see it for what it is. So many people are not as fortunate as I am to be able to participate in therapy. Even though it is really hard work and not fun sometimes, it is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I have the same feelings too.... does it have to be transference or can it just be that she is cool?

I once dreamed I was sucking my own breast and managed to tell T and got a really unexpected response (that had to do with her and me) that was quite helpful to me. Another time I dreamed I had my head in T's lap and she was stroking it and I told her that too.

I don't know if i quoted that right or not but i tried. Perna, what did your T say that dream was about??? I would have left me cofused for sure. If it too personal then by all means don't feel as though you need to answer it. I was just curious. You know when you are just skimming through things and then you see something that cathes your eye and you are like "What was that?" and go back to re-read it, That's what heppened for me.

I also think that a letter would be a great idea. As someone already posted if your T is well trained then she will know how to address this for you. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do with this!

I really had a bad experience, i went to see a therapist because of my anxiety and insomnia problems. The sessions were realy well and I get bettter quick and fast even my friends used to ask me where i found this therapist so good. Unfortunately, this was my fiest experience with therapist and I feel and strong empathy and fondeness to her. Guess I am a loyal and thankful person, wanted to retribute all her help. During one session she did not feel very well and talked about some of her issues, I felt sorry and I wanted to help her with my company aand listening to her. Next, she decided to refer me to another Therapist. I asked her no to, since I felt so confident with her, and I wrote and email where I express my feelings (nothing sexual). I wrote about her excellent qualities as a person and professional. And I understood that she wanted to vent with me some of her concerns. However, she freaked out, and never again answer my phone calls or texts. 48 hours after receiving my email, she text just text me the name and phone number of a new therapist. since then I have not been able to talk to her, at least to explain my email. Her response was that the person I described in my email was not her. The rest was a nightmare,I felt so abandoned, I went back to my insomnia and anxiety, and have felt realy guilty since then. I am not quite sure if I have overcomed this experience. My advice, run the risk and express your feeling. If the therapist run away ffom you, like mine did, I guess is not the right person to help you. Good luck

My T has held me. She has come over to where I sit and put her arm around me - encouraged me to put my head on her shoulder. She has told me my tears are ok. And has asked me to let her see them. We have told each other "I love you." We hug at the end of each session.

She is showing me what it's like to be accepted - heard - loved. And she's one of the most ethical professionals I've ever met.

I struggled with my romantic feelings for her for over 3 years until I finally told her. As a married man who has never cheated on his wife in the 25 years we've been together, I was so confused by my feelings for my T. I, too, had all the sexual fantasies. Sometimes even when I was with MY WIFE that way... (When I told my T about that, she suggested I keep my eyes OPEN so I can not dissociate and picture her! -- YIKES!!) I had all the "jealous thoughts." (Who's she with? What's she doing? Etc.) The GUILT, and SHAME, and EMBARRASSMENT, and CONFUSION got to the point where I honestly thought I would lose my mind. I felt like a perv, a lousy husband, too broken to be fixed...

Finally, I was able to tell her. And ever since then I've felt like I've finally entered therapy!! No more "secrets." No more being so distracted by "how I looked to her," or "am I saying the right things to get her to like me," or "am I leaving a good impression." I could now be HONEST. Completely. Telling her was the hardest thing I've ever done. To confess my feelings for her. And the guilt, and confusion tied up in them. I was convinced she would "quit me" and refer me to another T. But she was awesome with it. Told me she understood. And that she loved me too. To quote : "I love you Terry. How could I not."

But she went on to explain that that love was from a therapist to a client. A client who, because of his past, has NO IDEA what it's like to be truly loved. No matter what. "Warts" and all. And my therapist is showing me what that's like. She's showing me that my transference feelings for her are no more than the reactions of a little boy who was never truly loved and cared for. So when she shows me the kind of love and affection that little boy should have gotten a long time ago, of course there will be a reaction! She also reminds me that now that that little boy is a grown-up, those reactions come out in "grown-up ways." And she shows me what those reactions really are. Not sexual craving for another. Or even a romantic interest. They are the reactions of that little boy finally getting what he's always needed. She's showing me I'm gonna be ok.....

So - to use her words : I still do love my therapist - "How could I not." I love her today for the person I've come to know. And for her unceasing support and encouragement. I love her for giving me a life. She would disagree with that. She always insists WE'VE done the work. It's not due to something SHE did... Maybe that's true. Maybe I DID have something to do with it. Be SHE was the one who showed me I could...

Those sexual fantasies and jealousy only show up occasionally now. Mostly, me and my T have built a relationship centered on mutual respect and positive regard. We want the best for each other. I want someone for her to share her life with. (I know it can't be me) And my marriage has never been better!!! All because of my T being willing to accept me for who I truly am. And my being willing to show her who that is!!

Ignoring or trying to put those thoughts out of my mind only made them worse. Facing them - being open and honest about them - gave me freedom. The freedom to be who I really am!! Who I've wanted to be all along.

Good luck!!!

My T appeared in a sexual fantasy, but she was not a participant. She just stood by the bed and seemed to approve of what we were doing. Her presence was strangely comforting, but that was all.