Wishing T is my mom.

Hardtimes: mine never touched me ever either, not even 1 hug. Sometimes I feel really upset about it, I guess when I read peoples posts about being hugged and held it probably makes me feel worse, even though im happy for the people themselves.. I can't help but feel sad about it

These posts are so interesting. I have felt for a very long time that I was really weird or sick for feeling this way. I struggle with my feelings for t on a daily basis. Mostly back and forth between wanting her affection and guarding myself from her affection so I won't get hurt. It feels like a tight rope. My t only hugs when the client asks. I have only asked once, since I am afraid the physical contact would just complicate things. I have asked her why I have such strong feelings toward her and she keeps telling me that therapy is a controlled environment - that in the real world I would see her flaws. She tells me her adult children would tell me in a heartbeat that she wasn't the perfect mother I think she would be.

I've always looked for parental figures -- since i was in grade school (which is how i met my SA abuser). I tried having a mother-daughter type relationship in the past where i got extremely attached to an older woman, and it ended horribly. She drew me in, acted like she cared, even called me her soul mate and promised she'd never abandon me. Then one day, she did it. SLAM! And that was it. I cried literally for YEARS. . .

Now I'm attached to my t in the same way. And although there are times when i feel very cared for in a tender way, it has also been very painful for me. What causes my pain is that, like my former friend, i feel that she has been so nice to me, so caring, listens, validates, etc. All those things i didn't get from my mom and still don't. So i can't help getting really attached to her. But then, because of the attachment, i start wanting more from her than i can reasonably have. I start tripping over boundaries and running into walls because i feel like i love her so much and want to be with her. But the relationship only exists in the room. It's hard to understand. . .and with each deprivation . . .where i have to face that my t can never give me all that i lost as a child. . .then the old feelings of deprivation from my childhood get triggered all over again. It really, really hurts.

I tried for years to get my t to hug me when i was in pain. I felt rejected and hurt for so long. Then finally, my t agreed to do it. Since then, I've only done it 2 or 3 times. To be honest, i think it brings up too much of my overwhelming need and pain. It makes me want more from her than she can give me. So even though she's willing, i never ask for a hug. It's hard enough trying to deal with my attachment feelings with her.

I'm not sure how i'm going to cope when therapy ends. But i spend as much of my time distancing from my t as i do wishing i could be closer. I've never learned where the balance is, and trying to find it is painful.

I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm just having a bad day.

wow Peaches - (((huge safe hugs)))

Reading your post has brought tears to my eyes as I feel your words are mine also... I understand your pain, I know how it feels when you get your heart ripped apart...i know....

I think it's very normal to feel like that. I discussed all of this with my therapist about a year ago and was so glad I did. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother but my father was emotionally/physically absent(even though he lived with us) so my therapist is really another emotional "mommy" for me at times. She is warm, kind, caring, authentic, nurturing, truthful, and really appreciates me. I asked her for a picture of herself last year and now I carry it in my wallet - I take it out when I am feeling low and just need a reminder that things will be okay.
I know that some therapists are pretty strict about touching - I am a pretty open person physically(non-sexually) and often ask for hugs. I appreciate my therapist's boundaries and know that they are there for both of us.
I am so glad you have a good relationship with your therapist!

I feel like I could have written this myself. thank you.

I think the hardest emotion in life is getting over someone you truely love, but will never see again. It is even harder than if they died. I saw a therapist in 1968, and 6 years later, I don't know why, but she wanted to terminate our sessions. I loved her very much, and my life changed so much when I saw her. I finally felt so loved and had a sort of mothers love finally. I did so well under her care, and gave love to others because I was receiving so much. After in 1974, when this ended, I was never the same. So after all these long years I never forgot her and thought of her almost every day. She was angry at me because my Doctor who reccomended her to me was extremely angry at her, and told her so in front of other professionals. So do we ever get over this, maybe if you find another that is the same, you might. I never did, even though I tried. Every year I have thought of her less and less, but still I wish I could see her just one more time, even though she is retired. She taught me to love but she also taught me not to trust. I hope this helps someone.I do not regret my time with her. I would do it again.