Wishing T is my mom.

I sometime wish that my T is my mom, so she can protect me, to nurture me.
Is it normal to feel like that???

I think a lot of people feel that way, koala. I know that in some ways my T is sort of a mother to me. She is nurturing and encouraging and validating and stable and...lots more. My T isn't very much older than me, but in a lot of ways I feel like emotionally I am a child and she is re-parenting me. Which is probably unusual for a mostly cognitive-behavioral T, but there you go.

I have always felt this way about my therapist. She is okay with it. It helps that she is older than me. She is my "emotional Mom". I have come to realize over the many, many years that I can truly count on her. She is very warm and caring. She accepts me for who I am. Even when I cannot. I carry her with me everyday outside of therapy. She has written positive letters for me to have to let me know that she will not abandon me. I also have a few photos she let me take of her to have when I need something tangible to remember her. My life is so mucg fuller because she has been such a positive influence on me. She also gives me the best hugs. I feel cared for and loved.

My therapist said to me today that my attachment toward her is called Transference. She thinks i am transferring what i don't get from my mom onto her. She said it is normal in therapy to do that. I still wish i could hold her and to feel comfort in her arms. I am scare of asking her for a hug because i don't want to make her feeling upset at me.

My therapist and I will have this discussion on Wednesday, I think So many confusing feelings and deep desires. Yes, it's normal, though it does not make it "easy".
I do not think your therapist will feel upset at you for voicing your needs. She may decline due to personal/professional boundaries. It is normal to want comfort in therapy.
My therapist also has given me a picture (us and her together), and gives the best hugs/cuddles.
Sending you safe hugs and hoping you receive what it is that you need in this moment.

my T is so re-parenting me. she's the one that will sit on the couch and hold me. she's the one that tell's me she's proud of me. she's the one that tells me she isn't going anywhere over and over again. all that stuff i didn't get growing up. she said it isn't wierd and she's fine with it. i'm so glad. she says someday i won't need it - it's a process. and she's a year younger than i am.

*hugs* your post almost made me cry
best wishes
bpd mess

((Koala)) I too feel the same way about my T. I haven't told her I feel that way and I too wish for a hug but have never asked (I'm thinking my T isn't into giving hugs to clients even thought she is warm and friendly during appts). I don't know that she is parenting me (I don't think so) but she does say encouraging things to me and tells me that she's proud of me on occasion. Someday perhaps I'll ask her for a hug. - but I'm prepared for her to tell me she doesn't give hugs.

Its great to have a therapist who treats you with such love and understanding. Like me maybe you never had a real mothers love and this can heal so much pain. I had a t a long time ago and she treated me like a daughter, but when things changed I and she told me my Therapy with her was over, it nearly left me with the greatest emontional pain and resulted in terrible health. It took a long time to trust and to get over this. Years have passed and I still feel the loss. Loving someone so much who is really just a professional person and thinking this will be forever, is the worst thing you can do for yourself. If you understand what could go wrong and am willing to go through the lost, then go ahead and love your T. Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. forever mom 1968

So many of you have posted such nice things about your nuturing therapist that I wonder why I have not found a Therapist like that in years and years. I wish I had a T who could provide the love that I am so much lacking. I know that I would make good progress with someone who could provide so much love and concern. Where and how do you find that perfect match. Many are nice but not loving and I will always compare my first T to each one. I need someone who will boost my self esteem that is now very low. In the NY area there must be some good T that are nuturing. I wish I could find that person.

You are very lucky. I wish so much I could find someone like that.

Mine is probably old enough to be my mom and she's extremely caring, but I don't really see her that way. I understand those of you who do, though. For a while, I sort of thought of her as my friend, but I was bothered by that...it didn't feel right. The closest thing I can think of that would describe our relationship would be a teacher/mentor-student relationship.

My T is only a few years older than me (And we're both fairly young). I feel she totally gets me. I am projecting some form of transference onto her (it's getting stronger every session) but I've never discussed it with her. I'm not really brave enough. Maybe I'll bring it up in a text or email some time. I do miss her. And I told her that I was very anxious when she said she was going to be away for 3 weeks. I wanted to cancel that last appointment before she went away. I thought it'd be too painful (Yes, I know it's only a 3 week break!), but eventually went to speak to her about it, and she gave me some coping mechanisms. I'm really glad she's back next week.
She's caring and understanding, but very professional. Some days I just wish she'd hug and hold me, and just be there with me in the moment. But I don't think she's that type of a person. As it is, I battle to bring emotions into session - I've never cried, even though I'll burst into tears at the office. It's kind of like the more she digs (And she's gentle about it) the more I close up and don't allow my emotions out.

I need to know she cares; and like another poster mentioned - I want her to be my emotional mom. I've always been searching for an emotional mom...

Oh how i wish T was my mom. I have told her this many times and she has told me that I am like a daughter to her. I even call her mom sometimes. Sometimes it's when I am really upset other times it is when I am acting like a small child that needs a parent to help them or tell them to stop what they are doing and I usually make a sheepish smile and say. "yes Mom."

wow i didn't know that anyone else had this problem lol. this is all i ever think about. i can't even concentrate at school because all i'm thinking about is how i wish she could be my mom.

My T is very nurturing and caring, she gives me a hug every session. She calls me honey and baby and pet names I never got when i was a kid. I enjoy it. KInda makes me feel like a kid again, and at the very least, loved. I love the relationship I have with my T, i think of her often, when Im going thru a rough time I know I can call her just to talk,which helps a lot just to talk to her. She always knows what to say to make me feel better.
Beth

I have to say I am jealous..not in an nasty way just sad I too have BPD and I would give anything for someone (esp my therapist) to hold me but I know she wont.

I forever wish my therapist was my mum, she does know I feel this way pretty much although i dont think she realises just how much I wish it was so. I find it hard to think about the fact she is the mother to two young children, one of which is less than two and a little girl - and I cant help but just wish i was her and feel angry that she is getting everything I want and which I will never have

I have real mother issues even though my own biological mother is still alive as she isnt like a parent at all more a friend, so i lost out what it was like to have that caring responsible adult there I have had these issues since I was 3 or 4 years old. I have always been looking for that strong female who could be my mother, whether it was women in tv shows, school teachers, health care workers etc.

It breaks my heart to know that in realitiy I am just a client, she is only caring for me as a professional and that in the near future I will loose her too

dizgirl, I'm sorry this hurts so much.

Just wanted to say that I too have gone through life seeking a woman to be my mother (can really relate to the examples of health care workers and teachers), and for a long time I was consumed with grief that my T couldn't be my mother.

Does your T know how you feel? Does she know about the wishing and the anger towards her daughter and the pain you're in? Could you tell her?

Thanks for being so understanding its so nice to know that I am not the only one feeling these things. I think I am still grieving for what i'll never have as its really upsetting.

She knows I wish she was my mother and she knows I hurt because I will never have it but she doesnt really know how I feel about her daughter because I dont want her to feel annoyed at me thinking about her children like that because she already keeps strict boundaries and I dont want her to get even worse with them. Also even though she knows how much it hurts, theres nothing she can do about it and she has said things like - you wont have another mother or an adopted one, no one is going to hold you or stroke your hair or face etc at least not without wanting something in return (as love isnt uncondition usually from other people)...its the reality but it feels like someone is reaching into my chest and sqeezing my heart until it explodes when she says these things.

Yes, you are definitely not alone on this one dizgirl. Oh how I still wish that my T was my mom.... Maybe one day these feelings will pass but they don't look like they are going away anytime soon...

i dont know that i wish our T was our mom...well... i guess deep down some of the younger alters sure do. it would have been nice to have a mom like her, thats for sure. Our T is sorta re-parenting us also, like another poster said. She sits next to us on the couch and holds us, she fixes our hair for us and lets the younger alters play with her hair, we usually have a snack together, she calls us names like sweetie. She even gave us a little birthday party last year, actually we celebrated together because our birthdays are like two days apart so we had cake and presents for each other, and she brough presents for all the little inside kids. Our own family doesn't do stuff like that. And sometimes we get jealous of the way she talks about her kids--she is proud of them and she obviously loves her kids-- we've never had anyone talk that way about us. She knows its important to us when we do something hard and she says she is proud of us or says "I knew you could do it". Our T is only about 9-10 years older than us though... so maybe she could fit as an older sister, she isn't old enough to be our mom.

That sounds like it was a wonderful session for all of you! Sounds like you have an awsome T!

My T NEVER touches me. She has only asked to hug me once ever. I think I must repulse her. If she would do those things for me, I know I would heal and I would feel like someone cared. But instead I feel like a freak, someone nobody could hug, touch or sit on the couch by and hold them. I have actually completely fell apart on the couch, like uncontroable crying to the point where as you try to stop you stop breathing and the crying starts coming out in like a convusive way, and my T....She back away and watched me cry. I felt very alone that day. And it's been the same since. I wish I could have someone that would wrap their arms around me and tell me it's going to be ok, they care about me and they are not going anywhere. Instead I feel like they want the first plane ticket out of that room. They watch the clock to see when the pain of being in the room with me will pass.

Hi hardtimes101,
I'v seen several Ts and none have made any physical contact; but I have always been aware that that is for professional reasons. Still, I have never had anyone 'back away' when I'v expressed emotion - through uncontrollable crying, or in any other way. They are meant to be trained in handling emotion and if they cant they should find another job! If you have experienced this attitude from her over several weeks then perhaps you should consider seeing someone else, perhaps someone with more experience? I believe a T should be able to make you feel like they are holding you - though physically they are not. In depressive episodes I have very similar thoughts to yours - that I am repulsive, a freak, diseased etc. When my mood stabilises and I feel more integrated these thoughts dissipate. My T helps by just making it seem obvious that they are absurd. He is respectful, playful and caring - though he is a man, and not at all effeminate, I do, like others here, often wish he was my mother! I hope you find someone with better skills, and until then

This- perfectly. Thank you snowqueen for describing it.

I have always wanted physical contact from people in 'helping' roles. It became too important to me and I needed more and more. My current T does not touch me- ever. In my last session, when my jealousy of her little daughter felt overwhelming, I sat at her feet and sobbed my heart out that T is not my mama, never will be, won't even let us pretend for five minutes that she is. T was right there beside me, and let me cry without reaching out to comfort me. I realised afterwards that I hadn't even wished that she would. Nothing was missing. Without any touch my tears and my grief and my self felt 'held' by T.