When is Erotic Transference a positive thing and when is it a negative thing?

In my opinion,

Positive:

• When the transference creates a level of intimacy that allows the client to open up to the therapist and tell the therapist personal information that he or she wouldn't have disclosed otherwise.
• When the transference inspires the client to see the therapist as a positive role model.
• When the transference allows the patient to find the best qualities within himself/herself.
• When the transference helps the patient understand how to love another person.
• When the transference motivates the client to find a person who will give him/her the love that he/she needs.

Negative:

• When the transference is identified by the client early on, the client concludes that he or she has fallen in love with a professional who does not genuinely loves him/her, and blames and resents the therapist for playing with his/her emotions.
• When the transference is identified by the client, the client feels tricked and deceived, begins to distrust his/her therapist, and regards the therapist as a negative role model.
• When the transference is identified by the client, the client loses faith in therapy, and discontinues the treatment or does not seek further treatment that might have been beneficial to him/her.
• When the transference causes the client strong feelings of unrequited love, which lead him to contemplate the option of causing harm to himself/herself or others.

What are your thoughts? Do you think that even something positive can come out of instances when the client reacts negatively to the transference? And while it might not necessarily be the therapist's fault when a client falls in love with him/her, do you think that therapists share some responsibility in those instances when the client does not respond well to the therapy because of the transference?

I went through a process where I evaluated if I was still getting good out it - along with the difficult experience of transference.
I did this self-check about once a month. I always felt like I was progressing, learning, even with the challenge of feeling guilty or ashamed of my erotic feelings. I was a petulant teen about my parental transference. I was just fine with the feelings about him that were like friendship - so good, why leave?

I think that my therapist was ethically responsible for dealing with the situation because he was the trained professional. I realized that he wasn't equipped but I wasn't able to separate from him (that's the transference!). If he had referred me to another therapist, I cannot say if I would have been angry or happy.

I can tell you that therapy done WITHOUT the challenge of erotic transference is mighty simpler and so much more enjoyable.

Are you willing to say more about how you felt unable to separate from him? I feel the same way but thought it was just a natural bond that has developed...

transference is a very tricky part of therapy and is so much more common than people think and/or talk about. the fact of the matter is that ALL therapists are trained and taught how to deal with transference the proper way. when dealt with properly transference can be a very helpful and healing tool in therapy. but on the other end of the spectrum, it can also destroy the therapeutic benefits and hurt you. this all depends on the therapists willingness and ability to deal with transference. some therapists are simply too uncomfortable, not well-equipped, and in extreme cases use it to take advantage over a client. personally, i have experienced transference to be both harmful and helpful, with different therapists. one was sick in his own mind and used my transference to take advantage of me and abuse me sexually. my current therapist uses transference to explore my past, my needs, and works with me through it.

i would suggest a book if i may called When the Past is Present by David Richo.

I feel for u this can be hard. Fear of abandonment may have something to do with ur inability to seperate from your therapist. I was only seeing my psychiatrist for about a month when I started with the fantasies.I felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend of 6 years and that made me feel guilty and ashamed. I had no idea what transference was at the time and was soo relieved after I read about it.The fantasies have stopped but still come up from time to time. I saw his wedding ring and found out soon after he had children and was happilly married. My hard part is that my psychiatrist works at the same hospital as I do. I'm an RN and I have to see him for consults for pt.'s on my floor, very uncomfortable.I have not discussed any of this transference stuff with him yet I'm not sure it's a good idea. I wish you the best of luck and wish I could help u more...

I definitely felt a bond, but I also felt very frustrated by the fact that my T did not have skills in dealing with positive/loving transference and limited skills addressing sexual trauma. I communicated my frustrations in writing (a pro/con list!) and verbally.
My logical self said "Go! Move on!" but my emotional self said "He's so great, you'll never find someone else who is such a great fit!".
So, we were stuck - he wasn't altering his approach and he wasn't providing me with a referral. I was frustrated but too attached to leave. My logical self finally won, after 2 tense months. The day I went in to say "I've got to terminate" was the day he announced that he was leaving.

@charlie13 - yes, the guilt and shame of loving this person was very intense and it continues even now, 9 mo after terminating. Thankful I do not have to cross paths with exT.

@milkblood - I can't agree that all therapists are trained to deal with erotic or loving transference. It may be a topic that is covered, but I think most are stuck learning on-the-job. My exT trained in the early 1990s and had no recollection of getting such training.

This discussion only leaves me with an unanswered question of my own:
When is sexual contact therapeutic ?

I understand all about ethics, legal issues, and etc., but why then do some practitioners involve sexual surrogates as a form of treatment ?

How important is the study of Kinsley or Masters & Johnson in practice ?

Seriously; I don't get it. And sadly, I am unable to find anyone in the profession willing to stand up and take a challenging position, one way or the other, and especially now in these fragile economic times.

Anyone willing to comment.
Anyone with personal experiences ? I have one.
Tom S. in Tn.

so..... if you have feelings of love in regards to "loving this person as a close bond that will hurt when T is over" is that a negative thing?

What about just a few....um...."thoughts of erotic images while sitting across from my T in therapy?" Is that a negative?

On the other hand, I feel this is a growing experience for me.... I wanna know why it was so easy to feel this for him and no one else... so I am kinda stuck in whether this is Neg. or Pos. any thoughts?

To me, it is only negative if it inerferes with your treatment.

I think transference can be a positive thing in therapy—at least it was for me with my previous T. I started going to her when I was having a difficult time with my then-partner and deciding whether or not to end the relationship. At that stage of my life, I was felt completely dead inside—emotionally, relationally, sexually. Then, all of a sudden, I started going to T, I started getting my feelings validated, and I began to awaken. After about a month, I realized that I could FEEL again, that I could enjoy the little things again, and that there were women out there (like my T) who were attractive, intelligent, and caring— who could make me feel things. I knew (of course) that nothing could ever happen between my T and I, but having this attraction to her made me realize that I needed to feel that again—I needed to experience that feeling of attraction, desire, and excitement again. I needed to fall in love again. And I was definitely not in love with my current partner. The way I felt about my T was a way I would never feel about my partner. That made me realize that I needed to end my relationship and that, someday, I would meet another woman (not my T) who would make me feel that way—and would feel that way about me. Thus, for me, having erotic transference for my T gave me the courage I needed to end a bad relationship.
However, I never told my T about my transference. I only saw her for a short time and I made the calculated decision that it was better for me not to disclose my transference. Had I done so, I’m not sure how she would have reacted or whether my experience would have been as positive—or, alternatively, even more positive.
After she left, I got a new T, who I do not have erotic transference with. Therapy is slightly less titillating (no pun intended), however, after a year, I am realizing that I am starting to experience maternal transference with my current T. I don’t have a mom and I have never experienced that kind of maternal affection. While my T only rarely goes into maternal mode, when she does, it begins to fill this expansive void inside of me. It’s truly the most incredible feeling. It makes me want to just cuddle up to her like I’m a little girl. (Of course I can’t ACTUALLY cuddle with my therapist—though I fully admit I wish I could). My T simply makes me feel safe, protected and nurtured in a way I’ve never experienced; in the way I suspect a daughter would feel about her mother.
Once again, though, I have not discussed these feelings with my current T. I’ve considered doing so, but am afraid that they may freak her out or cause her to pull away from me. I’m afraid she’ll be concerned that I’m becoming too attached to her and not want to fuel my attachment. It would absolutely devastate me if I felt her pull away from me just when I’m starting to feel so close to her.

My T is psychanalytically trained and also a psychiatrist. So she welcomes both negative and positive transference. When talked about it improves our relationship. Maybe not for me in the moment, but I end up understanding my behavior. She actually told me once that if I developed any erotic transference that it was ok to talk about it with her. She is the best T I've ever had. Because I don't have to hide anything from her.

Now, I think transference can be BAD when you have a T who hasn't had advanced training and doesn't either understand it or has their own issues.

My first T was a social worker. No advanced training after his degree. He was manipulative, used my transference and we ended up having a sexual relationship.

I suggest that before exploring your transference, you ask your T about their training. Specifically regarding transference. That way you can make sure when you disclose it you feel that your T is competant and you will be safe.

You have made so much sense. I find it interesting, though, that you never told her about your feelings towards her.. only because it is such an overwhelming feeling to have. My T tells me that feelings are just that, feelings. BUT I have a hard time decifering exactly what that means. Anyways.... you must be a strong person to make that decision and actually decide about what to do with the issues on your own. Like you, I too am going to be completely devastated if my T pulls away from me after spilling my guts literally out in front of him this week. I have a very very tough time making a decision when it comes to myself,so I have to tell my T to figure this out. lol. Thanks so much!

You were very lucky then to have a T like that! Unsure if my T has had any of that training...I'm fairly certain he has but how do I ask that? LOL Um excuse me Doc..... have you had tranference training? LOL.... then he is SURE to know that I am having that..?? He isn't a psychiatrist he is a psychotherapist is all I know. I will ask him though, because ou are right it would be best. It seems it would be hard to actually have that relationship and then have it end on bad terms because didn't you wind up more confused and stuff? I mean, as much as I have these feelings, I would still rather have him in my life then not... ya know? Thank yu though, you guys are so wise

I've pondered this too. I suppose it implies that feelings aren't reality because they are intangible, shifting things, but reality is such a subjective concept. The only reality that exists is your own, and that includes the tangibles and intangibles. Clear as mud, right?

WOW, you sound JUST like my therapist! LOL.
YEs and then he says to me, when I say... "it feels like......"... he says, "..remember it FEELS like..." well, yes, that is what I just said. LOL... Then it goes on to be about using our emotions to feel.... Uh LOST ME lol.

The fact that feelings are just that...feelings... means, to me, that feelings don't define us or make us the people that we are. Emotions aren't an extension of ourselves, they are simply what they are. Something like that...

That makes a lot of sense! Thanks

I really enjoyed your post! Well, I experienced erotic transference for the first time about a year ago(had been seeing my female therapist for about 6 years by this point): I was working on issues around my sexuality and wasn't quite sure if I was more attracted to men or to women. When I finally had the courage to bring up the erotic transference in a session, the relief was immense! I was able to start to explore my "frozen" sexuality in a healthy, positive, safe way because I knew that I wouldn't really act on my fantasy nor would my therapist remove her boundaries. I can now talk about my feelings for men, women, my fears, my questions, my hopes, and sex.
I think many positive things can come out of it if it is handled in the correct way.

These kinds of feelings for my therapist come up from time to time. I know that I can talk about it if I choose to and she is ok with it. She is very gentle regarding my feelings around it mainly feeling embarressed and ashamed. She has never once wavered in her response to me and has told me that I can discuss this with her anytime and she will never abandon me over it. It still is very difficult to talk about. It is a positive thing for me because I can see that my therapist is very accepting of me no matter what and I can trust that she will maintain the boudaries and she will still hug me when I ask her and she feels safe to me because I know she will always listen to me.