An Affair

I have PTSD from my time spent in the military and was assigned a psychologist. From the moment we met there was an attraction between us. Long story short, we fell in love and had an emotional and sexual affair. She is married. I married to hopefully put an emotional buffer between us, it did not work. The affair continued until my wife found out and divorced me, I had custody of my children from a previous marriage and am now facing a new custody battle because of the affair. My psychologist stopped seeing me because my estranged wife went to talk to her employer. She told me that if anyone found out that she could lose her job and licence. I have done everything I can to protect her from harm. She still calls me daily and professes her love for me. I told her employer that I was gay to protect her and I have had to lie quite often on her behalf. I am left with nothing, facing homelessness but she is safe. I feel as if she calls only out of pity or guilt, she has done nothing to even attempt to help me. I feel really used. I can't talk to anyone in my hometown as it is rather small and I promised her that I would not see another therapist since they might know one an other.
Does anyone have any advise, should I hold on to the idea that we will be together one day? The thing is I have never felt a love so deep. I am at the point of never wanting to see another psychologist ever again. Please help.

sam61 - my heart goes out to you

This psychologist sounds extremely manipulative and has really abused her professional position to put you in a horrible place.
You've lied for her. You are going through a custody battle from this relationship

She is cheating on her family and she didn't stop you from getting married so you could cheat on your wife.

She is still lying to her family and asking you to continue to lie and not tell anyone the truth about your relationship with her?

you said Why do you believe anything she says to you anymore? You are going to be HOMELESS AND SHE ISN'T DOING ANYTHING!!!! She doesn't care about you - would you ever let someone you cared about be homeless?
She is treating you like a puppet.

Please go see somebody else and let them help you work through this. that woman deserves to lose her license immediately. Her job is to help you not hurt you, which it sounds like she has done a lot of.

Wishing you all the luck in the world and the strength to do what needs to be done.

ALL MY LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU! it hurts to see 'pain' in your post and the deep-emotional upset you have in this situation. I hate to say this, and I am not in your position, BUT..............as humble and respectable that is that you 'protected' her...............she IS NOT protecting you and has made itVERY hard for you................. I dunno. I would report her and get it ALL out in the open, I mean you are even lying about yourself to protect her?!?!?!? and then you are the one suffering.....NO WAY that flies.

We are all here to support you in this journey but maybe some soul-searching in order to free yourself from this mess.....and in soul-searching I am meaning perhaps think of what the best way to report is...

ALL MY PRAYERS

You "feel used" because you ARE being used. She should be reported and lost her license, however, I know you don't want to do that, etc...... You are left with homelessness and she is safe......what does this tell you?

If she truly cared/loved you, she would help you.

Don't take any more phone calls, and do everything you can to help your situation; call a hospital social worker, etc....not to talk about what happened but for some support, guidance in your situation.

Thank you all for your posts. When we were together I did not have to think about my past and what I had to do in Iraq. I felt like finally, I was loved. With her, I had thought I had found salvation. I will not place her children or her husband in the situation that I have gone through. I guess I was right there is no redemption. I should have known better she may have encouraged me to do as I did but, the fault ultimately rests with me.

Thank you all for your posts. When I was with her I did not have to think about want I had to do in Iraq. I thought that finally, that I was loved. She was my salvation. I will never place her children and husband in the situation that my children had to go through. I guess I was right, there is no redemption for me. She may have encouraged me to do as I did but, ultimately, the blame rest with me.

Sam,

I agree with the other posters. I cannot even imagine how difficult this is for you. You are not at fault. She took advantage. She was supposed to maintain the boundaries. I have heard posts before that have said even if you walked in naked and asked her to have sex with you, that it is still HER JOB to say no.
I know you are in heart over head. I personally think you should see another T to help you figure out this mess. I understand the never feeling a love so deep.....but it is in part because your old T is not only filling present love needs but past ones as well, whether it be from parents, old girlfriends, etc. This is called transference.
This is not your fault but you do have a responsibility to prevent this from happening to someone else. Unless your T is willing to give up her job and persue a committed relationship with you she is using you. Protect your yourself and future victims. Report her and get some help for yourself so you can heal from this and get into a healthy relationship in the future. Sending lots and lots of love your way. Thanks for your service to our country. You are not alone.

No sam61, the blame absolutely does not rest with you!!!!!

You went to her for help and she took advantage of you!!!

She is to blame. She had a position of influence and used it to do harm.

You are a victim here....I am so sorry....after everything you have done for our country....that you have had to go through something like this....what a terrible thing for her to do to you.

You didn't do anything wrong....please speak to another person about this...and we are all here for you.

None of this was your fault! T's are legally not allowed to have relationships with their clients for a reason. IMO - it was not an affair, it was manipulation and abuse. She holds all the blame in this. T's are responsible for setting boundaries and respecting yours. It never could have been a consensual relationship because she holds the power and you were in a vulnerable state. I'm sorry this happened. You shouldn't feel the need to protect her. She broke the law, she broke your trust, and she violated you. You deserve so much better than this. Please report her, not necessarily to prevent her from doing this to other potential clients (although that would be an added benefit) but to begin the healing in yourself.

Thank you for serving our country! You deserve the chance to heal!

Sam,

I was in the same position as you. This is not your fault.

What really bothers me is that she doesn't want you to see another therapist. That right there is a big RED flag. You have PTSD and that alone needs treatment. For her to tell you not to see someone else is unethical and can cause you harm.

You need to do what is right for you. It will be hard. I would set up an appointment with another T. You don't need to talk about it with them right away. But please see someone else. Your PTSD issues haven't gone away and this abuse by your T will crop up and needs to be dealt with in therapy with a good therapist.

Thanks for your service and please take care of yourself.

It is not your fault, she was in the position of power and was supposed to keep the relationship safe. I have not been in this position with a T but I was with an employer. It is all self serving lies and manipulation. It is very unlikely that she will sacrifice her career and family to come clean yet alone to have a relationship with you. Even then you can expect she will do the same thing again if she doesn't already have others. My mother growing up always used sex to keep her most recent ex on the hook while having a current boyfriend and sleeping around to find the next man in the series.

Find a real therapist to talk to. You can share as you feel comfortable. You can work on the PTSD alone. If you are struggling with the affair at the very least you can talk about an affair gone wrong without mentioning she was your T or using her name. Although personally I think she needs to lose her license.

You were victimized by her. My male T once told me that even if he were WILLING and SOUGHT OUT to have relations with a female T he was seeing, if she took action on it, it would be her fault 100%

PTSD is a disability. it is not just something people can say "Oh that doesn't impact me in this one area" because it DOES impact every single thing we do. There are layers and layers of pain that go along with PTSD. A therapist has to know how that works.

You DESERVE MENTAL WELLNESS !!! You fought for it already! It is a crime that she abused her position of power over you for her own benifit. Yes, that is exactly what it was.

You don't have to go looking for revenge against her because I know how that could harm you even further. ((Even though she needs to be charged and serve jail time!))
But you DO deserve your own sanity. You also deserve and have earned mental help for the PTSD.

I hope that you will reach out to maybe other male survivors ((just google that term)) and find a therapist who can help you get back YOUR life.

Don't give up on yourself. You DESERVE far better than this!

The problem was that your PTSD that was caused by what you had to do in Iraq needed to be treated by dealing with those things & working through them.....it's a painful process.....but it's the only way to be able to work through those pains. Instead.....that T only piled more painful experiences on top of what you already went through in Iraq.

Yes, it was your choice but unfortunately, you were wanting a way out of feeling the pain & what she offered you was what seemed like the easy way out.....along with making you feel loved. It's a T's professional responsibility not to allow a patient to be put into situations like that. A patient who is dealing with a mental illness (which PTSD is) is not able to think through life options rationally or clearly....& for that T to take advantage of your situation was completely unacceptable.

What is the point of loving someone to the point that you destroy yourself & your whole life around you......when she has gotten everything she possibly can from you & ends up walking away from you even though she calls you every day...probably to keep you from taking any farther action against her.....you really meant nothing more to her than a fling.

You feel used because you have been used.......It's important to take the appropriate action against a T like her to stop her from doing things like this to more of her patients. She doesn't deserve to be in practice...if she can't be strong enough not to get involved emotionally with her patients.......she isn't cut out to be a T & needs to loose her job so that she doesn't think that she can treat other patients by getting emotionally involved with them also.

Sometimes we have to just STOP & start doing what is the right thing...piling lies on top of lies isn't the right thing & you know it....allowing yourself to loose everything so that she can walk off free from the damage she has done to you is WRONG....it's time to start making some right choices....it's never too late. Maybe talking to a lawyer about what has happened, or to the ethical practices board:
http://www.apa.org/ethics/

It's never too late too start making good choices in your life. Start with telling the truth about what happened & hold onto the truth....lies will only dig your hole deeper & it will be harder to get out of what you are piling on top of the PTSD you really need to deal with in order to heal.

There are so many situations where people feel deeply attracted to their T, but it is never appropriate for a T to act on this - there is such an imbalance of power and it is just not a safe things to do because of the potential damage it can cause to the client.

Maybe your T was inexperienced in dealing with this, but regardless her behaviour was not appropriate and it sounds as if she is not in a good psychological space at the moment either.

It may be helpful to both of you to highlight this to the relevant people. Your T can get the help she may need to deal with this serious breach in trust and most importantly you can then get the help you need and I agree with CSC above, the help you deserve after you have served your country.

My sincerest thanks to all of you. I served for over twenty years in the Marines, all in the infantry. I learned that we need to take responsibility for our own actions. I acted in an unethical way that brought harm to those around me and I deserve what may come. In my therapist I saw a very sad and injured soul that needed help. Therapists have feelings as well, they are only human. This is not a simple matter of transference it's the story of two lonely hearts that found each other. I understand her fear all too well and though it may sound strange, I trust her and in the love we shared. Even after all this she is worth it, my pearl of great price...

This sounds an awful lot like transference... Ever felt this way before in other relationships?

Of course this is true. The huge difference in this kind of relationship is that the therapist has an ethical obligation to do no harm to the client. When feelings come up...and they will come up....the therapist needs to maintain these feelings and keep them from interfering with a client's therapy. If he/she feels unable to do this, he/she should refer the client to another therapist.

Because of the power differential, this can never be an even relationship. There is role confusion. This can be harmful to your emotional health. I understand your wanting to fight the notion of transference. Your feelings are indeed real, but the feelings likely have more to do with you than her. It sounds as though her boundaries were not strong enough to protect you. It is her job to protect you.

It's always beautiful when we discover aspects of our loving selves. These are parts to cherish. I think it's wonderful for you to appreciate these aspects of yourself. I hope that one day you will understand that this is about you, and not her. Please take gentle care of yourself.

Hi Sam

I know how 'deep' that love can feel; it's a real hook. You believe that anything that feels that strong must be worth fighting for/holding on to at all cost/and protecting.

However, put aside the fact that this woman is a professional in a role for a second, strip her down to what she is behind that label, nothing more than another human like you and I, then listen to these words:

NO WOMAN IS WORTH THIS MUCH EFFORT, PAIN, AND SACRIFICE. NO WOMAN.

Now go back to the fact that she is a professional who had the role of helping you. She failed.

Dump her professionally, Dump her emotionally. This woman is not good enough for you in either capacity Sam, she is below you. Please find the professional help you need for your PTSD, you cannot battle that alone, and I really wish the best in finding new love in your life that can replace this vile excuse for a professional and for a woman.

Sam,

"We need to take responsibility for our own actions"... I believe that too... and your a man's man for saying it.

I have no good advice really... other than to say things happen for a reason. There is meaning in how this happened to you and her. I could say silly things like a man and a woman find themselves together, both in pain, and reach out to each other for comfort, resulting in an affair. No judgement. It happens. You can cloud it with what your jobs are, and people can say that it was not her job to do this. I'm not going to argue with anyone on that topic. When you strip it to it's fundamentals, it's just a man and a woman who had an affair for reasons that exist somewhere, and both trying to deal with the aftermath.

Everything will work out. If you could make it through a shooting war, you have what it takes to make it through this as well.

Did want to add one thing. You said "I acted in an unethical way that brought harm to those around me and I deserve what may come". Don't blame yourself. Good people don't want to harm other people. You know that, and you are a good person. However, life (and war) is a balancing act when it comes to helping vs hurting people. You know that too. You tried to help each other, and other people got hurt. Maybe a mistake? Maybe not? It happened. You both did what you did at the time because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. The outcome may not be what you want, but that doesn't make you an unethical person or someone deserving to be punished. Good intentions, maybe not so good results... it is what it is. Move on... and see what happens next. People who are good will always prevail.

Take care,
Mark