[BrunetteBabe1005]

Ok, I have had severe Anixety issues, and Depression since I was 10 years old. I am now 19, but I have a bad issue, that I don't understand. I was always bullied by kids, and my extended family always insulted me, and especially my grandfather his kind words to me were always "Your fat" "Your Ugly" Your Stupid, and so on. Because of my family, except my mother and father, have always insulted me, I have a severe low self esteem issue, that I have been trying to deal with since I was 8 years old. I have seen so many therapist/psychologists since I was 12, and I felt that none of them helped, or understood my situation, therefore I quit going to therapists, and such at 15. Well, because I bottle up my problems, I felt like when I was 18 that I needed to give therapy one last shot, and talk about my problems, cause my family hates me, and never comforts me, so I need an outlet. When I was 18, I went to this therapist in June 2012, and it's funny cause when I first met him, I thought he was unattractive, and I don't mean to be rude when I say that, I was actually glad he was unattractive cause then I could tell my problems to him. I thought he was really cool! I liked how liberal he was, and how funny he is, and how just overall, I was looking forward to the sessions, unlike the others ones I dreading going to them. I just thought he was a real cool guy to talk to, and that was it. All of a sudden November of 2012 (5 months later) I develop these really strong feelings for him. I started to find him attractive, and I started to just really feel connected to him, I basically was thinking "This is the perfect guy!" It is now almost a year later, and I feel that I am getting worse. I am obsessed with him in a sense that I think about him way too much, and I see him twice a week! So I shouldn't really be thinking of him constantly. I am not obsessed where I would stalk him, or anything like that I am just always thinking about him. What really scares me is the fact that I look at every guy now, and I think to myself "You are not as great as my therapist" "Your worthless compared to him" I don't like that I think that way! I never thought that way about any guy! Trust me I am not the lovey dovey type, if anything I always had the attitude "I don't believe in love" So it is new to me that I feel this infatuated with someone. I feel like I am crazy, and I don't know what to do! I don't like that I look at every guy, and I am like well they are not as great as my therapist. I feel very depressed about the whole thing, also knowing that I will never be with him, is also a bummer too! Because he is 37 yrs old, and he has a wife and 2 young kids, so I know there is no way, plus I feel bad that I even like a married man. I feel like it's wrong, and I shouldn't like someone who is married, granted, I dont flirt with him or anything, it is strictly platonic, but I just feel bad. I am just very confused, and depressed, and don't know what to do! Any thoughts? Thank you for answers!

[refika]

What you are experiencing is common when working in therapy. You are experiencing transference, the transfer of feelings to someone else in a relationship. There are many good links on this site where you can read more about transference.

The best course of action is to bring up your feelings to your therapist and work through them. It is common to have feelings of love or affection for your therapist based on the nature of the work, the relationship, and the fact that they care for you where others in your life may not have. Definitely bring this up with your therapist - you will find out more about yourself, and your professional relationship with your therapist will grow deeper and stronger.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe1005

Ok, I have had severe Anixety issues, and Depression since I was 10 years old. I am now 19, but I have a bad issue, that I don't understand. I was always bullied by kids, and my extended family always insulted me, and especially my grandfather his kind words to me were always "Your fat" "Your Ugly" Your Stupid, and so on. Because of my family, except my mother and father, have always insulted me, I have a severe low self esteem issue, that I have been trying to deal with since I was 8 years old. I have seen so many therapist/psychologists since I was 12, and I felt that none of them helped, or understood my situation, therefore I quit going to therapists, and such at 15. Well, because I bottle up my problems, I felt like when I was 18 that I needed to give therapy one last shot, and talk about my problems, cause my family hates me, and never comforts me, so I need an outlet. When I was 18, I went to this therapist in June 2012, and it's funny cause when I first met him, I thought he was unattractive, and I don't mean to be rude when I say that, I was actually glad he was unattractive cause then I could tell my problems to him. I thought he was really cool! I liked how liberal he was, and how funny he is, and how just overall, I was looking forward to the sessions, unlike the others ones I dreading going to them. I just thought he was a real cool guy to talk to, and that was it. All of a sudden November of 2012 (5 months later) I develop these really strong feelings for him. I started to find him attractive, and I started to just really feel connected to him, I basically was thinking "This is the perfect guy!" It is now almost a year later, and I feel that I am getting worse. I am obsessed with him in a sense that I think about him way too much, and I see him twice a week! So I shouldn't really be thinking of him constantly. I am not obsessed where I would stalk him, or anything like that I am just always thinking about him. What really scares me is the fact that I look at every guy now, and I think to myself "You are not as great as my therapist" "Your worthless compared to him" I don't like that I think that way! I never thought that way about any guy! Trust me I am not the lovey dovey type, if anything I always had the attitude "I don't believe in love" So it is new to me that I feel this infatuated with someone. I feel like I am crazy, and I don't know what to do! I don't like that I look at every guy, and I am like well they are not as great as my therapist. I feel very depressed about the whole thing, also knowing that I will never be with him, is also a bummer too! Because he is 37 yrs old, and he has a wife and 2 young kids, so I know there is no way, plus I feel bad that I even like a married man. I feel like it's wrong, and I shouldn't like someone who is married, granted, I dont flirt with him or anything, it is strictly platonic, but I just feel bad. I am just very confused, and depressed, and don't know what to do! Any thoughts? Thank you for answers!

As refika said, totally normal. It's frustrating, and sometimes upsetting -- but it's a normal thing that happens in therapy, and if you can tolerate it, it can be a VERY valuable tool for understanding how you relate to other people.

Certainly read up about transference, which is a general phenomenon but is especially intense with therapy... basically, "transferring" your feelings about other people who have made you feel a similar way onto a particular person. We do this all the time, but in therapy, since you know so little about T, this can be even stronger because you place your own ideas and feelings into the blanks. There are other reasons, too, but that's a crude summary of the theory.

And more broadly, it makes total sense to me that after feeling rejected by the people who ought to have been loving and nourishing toward you, of course you're going to develop really warm feelings toward someone who gives you those things you deserved but didn't get. And you wouldn't be the first person who fell in love, over time, with someone she wasn't attracted to to begin with! How we see other people changes so much with the way in which we know them. Sure, you don't love him in a classic give-and-take sense, but the feelings of attachment can still be there.

I know what you mean about the guilt. Not only is my T married, I am too. But you can't control your feelings, just how you respond to them. If you have a good T, this is a great way to explore those feelings, because a good T will not take advantage of you or use your vulnerability to gratify his own needs... you can talk and explore and know you're safe.

People experience many different kinds of transference, so it'll be interesting for you to ask yourself why yours is of a romantic nature. I'm still figuring it out myself, but it has helped me learn a lot about me and why I respond to certain situations the way I do.

Please keep posting; you're in good company here.

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by refika

What you are experiencing is common when working in therapy. You are experiencing transference, the transfer of feelings to someone else in a relationship. There are many good links on this site where you can read more about transference.

The best course of action is to bring up your feelings to your therapist and work through them. It is common to have feelings of love or affection for your therapist based on the nature of the work, the relationship, and the fact that they care for you where others in your life may not have. Definitely bring this up with your therapist - you will find out more about yourself, and your professional relationship with your therapist will grow deeper and stronger.

Thank you Refika! I understand I should bring these problems up to him, but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's more the shame, and the awkwardness, is the reason why I don't want to bring it up to him. I was reading about Transference, and It does seem like that's what I am probably going through.

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

As refika said, totally normal. It's frustrating, and sometimes upsetting -- but it's a normal thing that happens in therapy, and if you can tolerate it, it can be a VERY valuable tool for understanding how you relate to other people.

Certainly read up about transference, which is a general phenomenon but is especially intense with therapy... basically, "transferring" your feelings about other people who have made you feel a similar way onto a particular person. We do this all the time, but in therapy, since you know so little about T, this can be even stronger because you place your own ideas and feelings into the blanks. There are other reasons, too, but that's a crude summary of the theory.

And more broadly, it makes total sense to me that after feeling rejected by the people who ought to have been loving and nourishing toward you, of course you're going to develop really warm feelings toward someone who gives you those things you deserved but didn't get. And you wouldn't be the first person who fell in love, over time, with someone she wasn't attracted to to begin with! How we see other people changes so much with the way in which we know them. Sure, you don't love him in a classic give-and-take sense, but the feelings of attachment can still be there.

I know what you mean about the guilt. Not only is my T married, I am too. But you can't control your feelings, just how you respond to them. If you have a good T, this is a great way to explore those feelings, because a good T will not take advantage of you or use your vulnerability to gratify his own needs... you can talk and explore and know you're safe.

People experience many different kinds of transference, so it'll be interesting for you to ask yourself why yours is of a romantic nature. I'm still figuring it out myself, but it has helped me learn a lot about me and why I respond to certain situations the way I do.

Please keep posting; you're in good company here.

Thanks SallyBrown! I am starting to understand about Transference. I know I should bring this up to my therapist, but I just can't bring myself to that, because of the awkward feeling I will feel, but because of that I created a metaphor lol. I say that I am in love with a different guy, but really I am talking about him, but I am using a "fake guy" lol, I know its crazy, but I feel like I need to talk to him about this in a subtle way, cause I just cant bring it up to him. Do you think that's ok what I am doing? Will I heal, and move on if I keep using this metaphor? Thank you!