Any therapist have statistics on Transference?

I see. You've GIVEN over 1,000 hugs.

I also wonder this? I have had seen my former T for only a very short amount of time before I felt very connected to him and ended it because I wanted him as a friend, not a T, and now have a new T. I want to contact him and try to be friends, but am scared of rejection. Any advise?

Butterfly,
I have had over 5 years of experience feeling love for my T. I have spent huge amounts of time talking about it with her, tried every way imaginable to get her to tell me whether or not we can be friends one day after therapy is finished. Well, I just got my definite answer in our session last night. Her answer was "NO". She has hinted at it in the past, but since I have not been able to let the question die, she felt it necessary to be direct with me.

Here is what I wrote in my journal:
I finally got what I’ve been asking for all these years, and I hate it. I have tried every way I can think of to get her to tell me whether our making at least an attempt at having a friendship might one day be possible. As of last night’s session she has made it very clear that we will never be friends. Once therapy is finished, we will no longer have any contact with each other. She allowed for the slim possibility that I may contact her if I have the need to, on a professional basis. But we will not be friends in any configuration one might imagine. “You do not belong in my life,” was one statement she made. She gave me a list of life situations for which I have my “work cut out.” The relationships/emotional situations include: my relationships with my wife, with my kids, with my self esteem, particularly in regards to how I will cope with earning money or not earning money, whether or not I will have more friends and how I will choose to deal with them, how to be a friend in general.

The emotional pain of hearing that I will not know her better, will not be in her life and vice versa is profound. She knows me in ways no one else does. She said she knows that hearing this is painful, but my fantasy has been overwhelming. It is an escape (addiction?) from things in my life that do not make me happy. What first comes to mind is, “My old maxim must be true. Once a person gets to know me well, that person will not like me.” I can’t help but blame myself for showing her who I truly am. But then again, she has told me that she does not become friends with ex-clients. I have always thought that I might be the exception. But why would I be? What about me would possibly draw her into a friendship with me? What do I have to offer her as a friend? It seems that she has all that she needs.

She has insisted for years that I am not using our sessions to my best advantage. “Our purposes are at odds with each other. You come here to try to make yourself feel better. I am here to help you do the hard work of therapy so you can feel better in your life outside of therapy.” “The point of therapy is not to wait until it ends so we can then be friends. It’s about making you better at handling your life.” Of course she’s right. But her being right does not make the pain of losing contact with her one day, of knowing that she doesn’t think well enough of me to want to try being friends. It feels like she is soon to be leaving me, although I have no idea when that might be, and leaving me with a huge void in my life.

At one point I said that regardless of what happens to her, whether she moves away from L.A., or even dies before me (oh please don’t let that happen), I will always have a place in my heart for her, but I will forever be angry with her for not letting me into her life. Her response was, “You would rather I die than just choose to not see you again. One seems to be out of my (her) hands; the other is a choice on my (her) part.” That’s like what is said by someone whose spouse divorces him. “I would rather she die than leave me.” Also, “I would rather she leave me for someone else than just leave me because she doesn’t want to be with me any more.” I care as much about her well being as my own, if not more. I would much rather she be happy and healthy than have any outside reason to not befriend me.

Something that really pisses me off is why the f**k didn’t she tell me this years ago, when she first realized that I was stuck? I asked her years ago if we might one day be friends. I never got a straight answer. She must have known for a long time that she had no intention of ever being my friend. Why put me through all the years of wishful thinking, angst, and wasted session time when she knew what she told me yesterday?

My advice is to let it go.

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Statistics would be so interesting! I very much doubt there are any accurate ones out there however. Whenever I've asked psychologists /counsellors about falling in love with therapists, i often get told it is rare but it does happen.

I'm a T and I never get bored of listening to people. Yes often there are patterns and similarities in suffering, but everyone is unique and brings unique things. Plus people grow and change and appreciate you, that's definitely worth all the hard bits!