Intensely missing my therapist I fell in love with

I have seen other male therapists that would probably be considered attractive and kind by a lot of women, but have never had a problem like this before. I take issue with the term "transference" in my case because I feel as though I did in fact know more about my therapist than other patients would, as he told me things about himself. I feel like our therapy possibly began to lose focus once we became closer and basically got on really well, our chats were fun and engaging and just made me very happy.
I saw him for only twelve sessions, every week. I noticed a few things. Once when I spoke about a particularly upsetting experience he got a bit emotionally involved and his eyes went glassy and teary. I did see him look at my breasts one time, I think maybe it could have been more but I don't want to crazy in searching for reasons he may have had an interest in me (I've been strict in the way I've reflected on these things, making sure I wasn't getting carried away etc). Sometimes I felt as though he was really staring at my face. Obviously he was looking at me because we were talking to each other, but I mean sort of tracing my face with his eyes, really looking at it. He asked if there was any chance of reconciliation with my two ex boyfriends when that wasn't relevant to any of my problems. We spoke about sex for balanced lifestyles, I don't know why. That really made me think there were some attraction issues. He would tell me things about his interests and where he grew up etc. when I never asked, and I've never had any other therapist volunteer information about themselves like that.
We stopped our sessions because he was an intern and his placement was over, and he had got another job in another city. We spent half of our last session just chatting about music and little things etc. When he left he gave me his email address. He said that we might "bump into each other one day". I felt like saying that I don't know how that would happen, because it would be very unlikely considering not living in the same city and that it's not appropriate to email each other regularly (is it always inappropriate to do that?), but I didn't want to say that at all, because I had an attraction to him and am still foolishly hopeful we can see each other again. He is incredibly attractive and I took a fancy to him instantly, and had such a great feeling about how our personalities bounced off each other right away. This was an instant thing; the attraction didn't develop over time after I told him more things about myself. The way I felt and the way he seemed to act to me makes me think that if we met outside of therapy we'd have definitely arranged to see each other socially.
He spent a fair few minutes thanking me, and I think flattering me. He said "you've really heartened me" and similar things. In contrast to the way other therapists have said good bye or thanked me for being an engaged client, this was very different and certainly not clinical and perhaps not professional. My attraction and feelings make it hard for me to criticize him in my head though.
I did end up emailing him, which I don't think I should have. In response to my first email where I just asked whether he was enjoying his new job and place, he gave me his phone number in case I needed someone to talk to. He had referred me to a new therapist though and knew I was seeing the new guy (who I've now been seeing for a year since this old one moved away). My last email I said I should probably stop emailing him because I knew talking like this would have to end. He replied saying that he wishes every future happiness for me. We had emailed for a couple of months. I was missing him terribly and felt a huge loss. I just loved his energy and his expressions and mannerisms and the things we had in common. I knew nothing could happen, especially because he moved away, and also obviously because it's unethical. I also felt for him. I didn't want him to have to question his integrity in his chosen career that he was so new to. I didn't want him to question himself for how I think he was acting (if he did indeed have thoughts that weren't appropriate). He is also quite good at his job. Although some of you might be thinking that no way he is good at his job because of how we became close, he had tremendous insights and was very helpful and intelligent. I didn't want to distract him from his potential. I never brought up my perceived attraction to each other (although I'm sure it was real) because I didn't want to stop seeing him, and I was in such a mind to be proactive about my depression that I thought his helpful insights were worth more than this crazy attraction. A year later, I still miss him so much that even if I meet another attractive and lovely person, I think that they don't even compare to him, and then I'm left with thoughts of him for days.

What do I do with these thoughts? I can't go on thinking about him all the time. I don't want to mention it to my current therapist because they know each other, and I don't want to say anything that would sound wrong to him. When my old therapist was still chatting with me by email, my current therapist told me that he sends a hello my way. It seemed odd to me that he would say this to my current therapist when he was still saying hello to me regularly. I could be over thinking, but that seems like a bit of a cover-up behavior to me.

Goodness me, I'm really suffering from this. Honestly just his smile and our conversations about little nothings would fill me with happiness, and I just wanted it like that forever. It's really bad.

Thank you for your thoughts, I'm sorry I wrote so much.

((Emmy))

This sounds like a case for grieving.

Sometimes grieving is a straight path, but it can also be a long winding road. An element of obsession or fixation is not unusual.

When grieving about a relationship, you can never know exactly how the other person feels. I find that hard to accept.

Emmy,
What you write is so terribly sweet. I think he might be into you. BUT, and this is HUGE- is he married/involved? Because it sounds like you are both quite young I will be generous in my opinion. They can be huge manipulaters. Many seem to really "get off" on the positive sexual vibes they get from their clients, and cause tremendous harm that scars forever. That said, my advice would be to write him a very frank and honest note telling him how and why his continued attention toward you is confusing. You did not see him for very long, so unlike me (13 years) there is a chance that the affection is genuinely mutual. Write to him. Be honest. Do not compromise.
Don't actually say you're "in love", because in fact you are infatuated- which is totally normal. But, where there's synergy, in a case like yours, lay it out and see what happens. You're not so far in that you can't get out, and we are here for you.

Emmy,
You painted your picture very well. It sounds in some ways, very similar to my own experience. Only my therapist didn't move and we only became more enmeshed. I would encourage you to speak with someone about this. I encourage you to risk being "wrong" with your new therapist. Chances are he won't see you as "wrong" and can help you sort through this.

I hear your struggle. Hang in there!

Hi guys,

Thank you so much for your support.

CantExplain, there probably is a great element of grief. I mean, I saw a person in the street wearing a distinctive jacket a lot like the one my T would wear regularly, and I just felt this massive hole. It sounds crazy but I can't help it.

Hopelesspoppy, I am young. I am 21. Hopefully a mature 21 year old, but indeed very lost in this situation He would have turned 26 a few months ago. He is not married, and I cannot say if he is involved now, but he wasn't at the time we were emailing. Honestly half of me hopes that he has met some awesome people in his new city and even met someone special, because if he was into me, it probably messed with his head a bit considering how it could have damaged his profession. The other half of me is thinking that I will never meet a more wonderful person than the one that moved away. I have been considering emailing him again, but I'm just so critical of myself and don't want to appear obsessed or "crazy", and I don't want to distract him. It could be self-centred to think that coming into his life again could distract him, but I am so sure that we really enjoyed each other's company. Why else would we have chatted so much about the little things in life that were so irrelevant to the other things we started to talk about?

Jungatheart, if I mention is to my new therapist, could my old therapist get into some sort of trouble for emailing me? Also I don't really want this to be received by him as something for him to be terribly psychoanalytic about. Although some level of transference is inevitable, this attraction struck me instantly, and I would have to have it scrutinized in therapy, turning it into something even more complicated. And part of me wants it to be my own experience I keep to myself, because it does feel very special. It's so special because I liked my old therapist so much. I liked him more than I've liked anyone. It makes me feel violated to have it discussed with my new therapist. But obviously keeping it to myself isn't really helping, in fact I'm suffering terribly from thinking about my loss all the time. I'm so young, but I feel like I will be comparing every man I meet to my old T for a long long time. I will probably meet someone that makes me forget him one day, I know, but that seems so far out of sight. It's good that I'm not wanting a relationship at all right now because I'm focusing on other things like issues in therapy and studying.

Grief is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

I still think you should directly ask this on #1. Get clarification. Keep it as simple and innocent as appears to be right now. Again, he was you therapist for a very short time. I would not encourage you otherwise. But I do think that the answer to your confusion is relatively close at hand. Clear the air, and get on with your studies.

Emailing in and of itself is not unethical.

What worries me is that you sound like I did - ready to protect him at all costs. Secrets are not good, especially with therapists. It seems like there is much more to this than just what meets the eye.

Your not alone. I'm right there too.

I wish I had my old T's email address. tell me why emailing him is not enough? Weird question I know.

Ahhh..I could have written all of this just four years ago. Well, except I saw my therapist for a year and a half, and I was the one who moved to another city. He was also married with children, but we were the same age and like you, we connected on a very personal level. Even he admitted that we had a cool connection. He shared things about his personal life that brought down the "fourth wall" between therapist and clients, and the more he shared about his personal life, the more attracted/attached I became to him. I continuously resisted my feelings because it felt so wrong (not only was he my therapist but he was married), but they grew.

When I asked him why he told me personal stories, he told me he did so in order to provide examples backing up the strategies we discussed in session. True to form, they did this, but in hindsight, he could have made up a fictional patient and provided the same example with some distance. Most of his stories concerned him doing something great (sticking up for himself or a loved one) and that made me admire him even more.

Attraction to a person is transference. What attracts us to someone is usually something, that reminds us of something/someone else in our life--and it's perfectly normal. Transference isn't a bad thing or an indication that we're psychologically lacking--it just means we're human and able to love/connect.

When I first stopped seeing him (this was before I moved), I fell into a pretty deep, and unexpected, grief period. I cried endlessly, surprising even myself at the level of sadness I felt, but in hindsight, not only had I fallen in love (some may say infatuation) but in the end, it was a relationship break up. I struggled so much that I had to begin seeing him again, and this time, I admitted my feelings to him. I did so in an email and was soo embarassed to do so--but he couldn't have responded in a better, therapeutically appropriate way. We talked through my feelings, validated them, and being able to finally admit all that took a huge weight off my chest. I was no longer holding anything back.

When I moved from my town I still grieved the loss because that's what it was, and it was natural and lasted for awhile. When I found a new therapist in my new town, I worked through a lot of that grief with her, and it brought me to a stronger place.

All that to say, talk to your current therapist about your feelings-- the fact that you're still struggling a year later means you should consider exploring them. If you fear him getting in trouble, you can share this worry with your therapist first, so he can reassure you that he won't report him.

Honestly though? From what you wrote, your therapist has broken no professional boundaries. You have nothing to fear.

My work with that therapist allowed me to experience what it was like to be in a relationship with a healthy male, even though there was nothing sexual/untoward involved. It allowed me to work through the men issues I had developed through the years, and grow comfortable in my skin when I was around the opposite sex.

It was a gift, and four years, two therapists later-- I am so much better for it all.

So allow yourself to grieve and I suggest talk to your current therapist about this. It will feel good to do so. I spoke about it with the two therapists I saw following him and it felt great.

This may not be relevant anymore, but if it is, then you should email him. He was an intern, you're not seeing him anymore. Emailing is not necessarily unethical as someone else on here said. Lay your feelings out and see what happens from there. My opinion is that you should not mention this to your new therapist, at least not yet.

I am not sure that this is good at all. This guy was young and without experience, but I think he stepped over a line when he offered to continue to contact with you when he left. I don't think it was appropriate for him to give you his email address and certainly not his phone number and encouragement to call. Discuss this with your current T. Behavior like this on his part with client's in the future could cause a lot of damage.

Obsessing on unrequited and or impossible loves has been my life's work, so my advice is probably worthless here. I've heard that a "thought stopping" technique, I think it's from CBT, can work really well for obsessive thoughts. I haven't seriously tried it because I don't do CBT, but I did read a bit about it and halfheartedly try it from time to time. You should talk to your current T about these feelings, they might know a better way. Obsessive thoughts really suck, and I think mine are just a way for me to escape. I miss the days I could escape via TV, they were so perfect. Now there's nothing but crap on and I'm too obsessed with my therapist anyways.

Obsession is something I'm working on.

I really appreciate this post, cause it's exactly how I feel about my therapist! You're making me wonder if it's even worth saying anything to him about it, because...you're right. The wisdom and advice they have to offer for your life is and should be more than some attraction. So difficult. It's not our fault we're attracted to awesome men, therapists or no.

People might chastise me for this but I think the relationship you guys developed seems sweet. But you're smart and know for the best for both of you and don't want to peruse anything more. I understand. I think you did the right thing.

I guess all I can say is just that time helps everything. It doesn't erase, but it certainly can take the pain away, little by little, day after day.