[coltranefanatic]

There he was. Flirty T. He came out to get me from the lobby and how did he greet me? By raising his eyebrows up and down suggestively.....

But I didn't bite.

I kept my poise. I never dropped my crown. He was super super smiley, flirty. It's been bout 2 weeks since my last therapy when he became cold, and he said "so....it's ummmm...it's been a while...." and he got a really sheepish grin.

But I didn't bite.

And I was fine.

We spent time talking bout my difficulty with being vulnerable, and how he'd really like to see that part of me.

He...will be waiting an eternity before he sees that too much.

Life..marches on. So did I. Transference can be conquered in the heart.

[Petra5ed]

I know your situation well and can understand your desire to conquer transference and not become vulnerable. This was my thought as well. Your therapist however might just want you remain very attached. Actually most of the talking therapies view the relationship as the prime element of change, and believe that "real change" cannot occur unless you are deeply attached to your T and vulnerable. For some developing the transference is the prime objective.

It sounds like your mutual affection for each other is just being complicated by some erotic feelings on both sides, very normal. To me it sounds like maybe he got a bit too close, he obviously likes you, he probably freaked out a bit and got cold realizing he might have been a bit too seductive... now he's back. Your T has to show you a balance of things, he has to prove to you he's trust worthy and not going to consummate anything, but also remain with you in a very intimate relationship. Beyond that his affection for you has to be genuine or you will intuitively spot it as a lie.

Do you think you could find a way to be with him where you accept these strong feelings on both sides and at the same time know they won't ever be acted on? It is very difficult, but if you can manage this, then the theory is you can potentially make huge gains from the therapeutic experience.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

There he was. Flirty T. He came out to get me from the lobby and how did he greet me? By raising his eyebrows up and down suggestively.....

But I didn't bite.

I kept my poise. I never dropped my crown. He was super super smiley, flirty. It's been bout 2 weeks since my last therapy when he became cold, and he said "so....it's ummmm...it's been a while...." and he got a really sheepish grin.

But I didn't bite.

And I was fine.

We spent time talking bout my difficulty with being vulnerable, and how he'd really like to see that part of me.

He...will be waiting an eternity before he sees that too much.

Life..marches on. So did I. Transference can be conquered in the heart.

Nicely done. I bet it was difficult in some ways, and very rewarding??

[coltranefanatic]

Petra5ed, well absolutely, that's the whole thing! I...was cool and in control and fine!

And fwiw, as I've mentioned so many times on this thread/subject/situtation, he is married, as am I, so I mean, nothing was EVER going to happen on my end, anyway! And like I mentioned from the times when my transference was so high so I looked up the wife online and realized we have to be almost diametrically opposed. I mean it's like I'm pizza and she's sushi. That kind of diametrically opposed.

I intend to stick this out. For one reason only. Therapy, despite all the challenges of my gorgeous sexy T, is working. It has to be. I AM calmer. I am able to make decisions better. I am less quick to anger! Twice this month I did things that made everyone around me go "whooo are youuuu?"

He is helping me out. And I sort of look at my time there and my transference as a challenge to my own issues in a positive way now. Mostly, I think the best part is that the knowledge that he's not a real person to me, we're not friends, we're not buddies, we're certainly not lovers, it helps keep me grounded.

But, this was a telling session in that, I felt really completely centered, but I think I threw him a bit today and I won't deny, I didn't hate it. It wasn't my intent, this is not bout power games, or me doing things to him, to act out that which I can't do sexually, but if anything it made me feel just a little less...helpless, which is how I felt. I did let him know though, that I read part of his thesis paper today. He had asked me during the last session "who are you reading bout psychotherapy?" and I said "stuff." Today I said "I read some of your stuff, cause I figured it would be a good way to get to know how you think about therapy, until I realized, that there was NOTHING in your thesis that could possibly help me."

He looked a little nervous for a second there. I kind of liked it. Felt a touch like payback. (okay not really but a little). (I am really kidding here).

And I caught him doing things today like shifting around a lot in his chair, and sitting on his hands. In fact I said "am I making you uncomfortable to him" and he sat up QUICK and went "no no".

Something I also noticed from today. He always seems to bring up Chryssie Hynde when we speak. I must remind him of her. Ain't mad at THAT!

I think what felt okay today was that I walked out and felt STEADY. I felt fine. I didn't walk out wondering if he wanted me, or if he hated me or what he thought of me at ALL. I just walked out and went home and made an awesome dinner.

It's gonna be fine.[/QUOTE]

[nicoleflynn]

Good for you. Unfortunately, my feelings cannot be conquered by my heart, as my feelings are from my heart. I can't help how I feel, only how I respond and behave.

[coltranefanatic]

Nicoleflynn,

The situation with your T, as per what's been shared here, is very convoluted, and while I'd never judge anyone's situation, as we are all, in therapy for issues, and we're all here to support each other, your own situation, as you've documented here, is in a very different place, and one that, actually is counterproductive to therapy, and moreover, you yourself, know this, which makes me have to wonder, how much of your own issues, are you really getting help for? Are you in therapy? Or are you in a suspended, and clouded love affair, that you won't walk away from?

You have never, taken a stand, about your own situation, which has to be, absolutely agonizing, but you don't seem to want closure either. I think you're in a state of limbo with this person, that, is fueling you, you're thriving on it, which has to be negative, and probably part of the things that brought you into therapy in the first place. You acknowledge and admit that your situation is, ultimately, negative, and that people should in fact be wary of such integration with their T's, yet you yourself are very integrated in extremely boundary pushing levels, but you choose to remain in "therapy" with your T, despite all of this.

FWIW, the only reason I bring any of this up, and what is troubling to me, is that you're one of the key responders here giving warning, to others with T's and transference issues, and boundaries. In fact, I took your advice, and got the Rutter book, and it actually really helped me.

My question is, are you taking your own advice?

Our situations, are utterly different when you get right down to it. And for what it's worth, I believe, truly, that if you allowed yourself to step back from your situation, you'd realize, that therapy, has long since ended with you and your current T. You two, are essentially having a love affair, disguised as therapy, which the prevention of complete consummation keeps the dance in the air. It's unhealthy, and I believe you can not get help, or therapy in this way, and it's crucial, that you get your therapeutic experience in a pure and real way.

You say you can't help how you feel, but in fact, you can. Stopping therapy with a man you're essentially having an emotional long distance love affair, would be a step in that direction. You need....a therapist...who is there for you, and doesn't want anything FROM you. Cept, of course, the money you give him/her for 50 minutes of time.

Lastly, I'd like to ask you, how you feel you could have real feelings, for a man who is clearly a little bit, sadistic, if not more than a little sociopathic?

You, have been incredibly helpful, and downright enlightening, and I've learned from you during this time here. It would PAIN me, to think, you're in a situation you can't get out of, when you have struck me as a strong, smart, and insightful person.