Lesbian woman attracted to her therapist...

Hi! Looking for some advice and perhaps some support... it feels so lonely sometimes!
I have been struggling with my sexuality for a long time, and just recently I have come to terms with being a lesbian - exciting yet it makes me nervous!

I see my psychologist for generalized anxiety - I am on no medication, and I am progressing very well A lot of my anxiety was due to me strugging with being gay - so it has been very liberating for me to accept and love myself. My T always says to me, "You are making amazing progress, that is why you are getting better so damn quick!"

Anyway, I begun feeling very attracted to her a few months ago - we had talks about boundaries in terms of relationships (as a former lecturer was attracted to me) and she didn't seem to mind - in fact she didn't understand why it was a big deal between two consenting adults.
I picked up a Psychology paper out of interest at Uni - and she would say, "I can imagine you as a psychologist... have you thought of doing clinical?" I loved studying Abnormal Psychology... hence now I am in my last year!

All our conversations deepened my feelings for her..... and recently we have been talking about coming out. She said that if I didn't it would almost be like me choosing to be single forever - which she couldn't imagine happening because I was very beautiful.

Then just recently we were talking about values.... and I listed what I thought I was, smart and caring, loving - she said she thought I was all of these things... and then again she said, "and....beautiful" - but she seemed hesitant when she said it this time, and she sort of stumbed on the words.

But thee things she says makes me feel more strongly towards her - we talked about my feelings towards her before these things were said... so she definitely knows I like her..... damn. It is so tricky! Should I bring it up again? Could it be countertransference?

There are a few things here that give me pause...

She doesn't see the big deal between a sexual relationship between professor and student if both are consenting adults? The emphasis on consenting adults without a thorough consideration of the power differential and the professional ethics at play seems like a bit of a red flag in a therapist.

It's worse somehow for a beautiful person to be unhappily single than it is for a less beautiful person? Huh?

Yeah there's probably some element of countertransference here whether in the sense of sexual attraction or not. I do think it's worth discussing. But tread carefully, it sounds like her boundaries are a little mushier than they should be!

It could be that you are hearing/interpreting her differently due to your feelings for her. It may or may not be transference. Is there much of an age gap between the two of you?

It could be the intense acceptance you are feeling from her, making you feel invigorated. Those feelings release all those happy chemicals and could make us feel in love or all tingly inside.

Just my thoughts. My therapist is the same age as my mom, late 40s. I am in my 20s.
I have had sexual feelings and thoughts about her and since day one have found her incredibly attractive. She's not from this country and looks exotic...and she definitely dresses to impress! But I feel so disturbed about the age difference. I am aware that these feelings are not real and it has everything to do with the emotional intimacy I never received from my mom, but am now receiving from my therapist.

Thank you so much for your reply - it is much appreciated! Hmmm... In terms of the professor/student issue - I was surprised with her reply too! We discussed it very little after that... but I found it quite interesting.

In terms of the being beautiful/single... I am a firm believer of beauty and love within a person (I have no self-esteem issues, so I don't think she was trying to make me feel better about anything) but.... it is nice to hear from someone you are attracted to say you are beautiful too - confusing at the same time, because I thought she may realize her comments could be bringing up emotional/sexual attraction.... Cause she knows how attracted I am to her in return.....

Thank you so much for your reply! Perhaps I am interpreting her differently - considering my feelings for her! She is in her 30's and I am in my 20's too.

I know these feelings could be due she was one of the first people I came out to - and I am such a self-sacrificer - so it has been nice to have someone care for me and meet my own needs!
Just frustrating when my feelings continue to grow for her - I will not let it interfere with therapy... but I do get a bit mushy when she says I am beautiful.........

Could it be that she knows that you need to hear that you are beautiful??? I felt ugly growing up and still do sometimes and I think it would feel incredibly therapeudic to have my T say that to me sometime.

Thank you for your reply, Renie! Has your T said it to you too? I am sure you are beautiful - inside and out

In terms of needing to hear the words - I don't have many self-esteem issues as of yet... I am confident in the sense that I hope my kind inner persona helps me to be the person that I am, and I do hope it is a beautiful thing

I guess it is just difficult to hear from her when I am attracted to her... but at the same time, it feels nice because she knows I am into her..... arrrgh, I don't know - perhaps I am overthinking! It is like hearing the person you have a crush on say, "How can you be single for a long time - you are a beautiful girl!" It creates a little bit of dissonance in my head.... ha ha!

Ohmygosh, are you me? Well I'm not lesbian (I think.. lol) but I could have written that post myself! the first time I got those feelings for her was when she told me I'm pretty

*hugs*

Hi! Thank you so much for replying - it's so nice to be able to share the same perspective! How are you feeling about it? Are you coping OK? I am happy she gave you such a lovely compliment - how did it unfold?

(: we are the same ages as you and your T. I sort of came out about another issue that affects me (sorry to be mysterious it is just really specific lol, but it's something a lot of people might not be willing to deal with) and was so scared to tell her but then was SO relieved to realize she was still my ally. She was so proud of me for telling her and that session was overwhelmingly a positive bonding experience. Then that same day she told me she didn't usually compliment patients so not to get upset if she didn't say this every time but that she was thinking when I came in that I looked so pretty. I did end up wanting to hear that more though lol. She said it one more time a couple weeks ago and the feelings suddenly got really intense and I realized they were both maternal and love-y. But we have kinda started talking about it and I think it will be good for the therapy if I can cope with it and really say everything. I'm really trying to but I become a mess when there is any tension, even good tension. There was a lot last week so I worry that she could be struggling with her own feelings (though maybe I'm totally wrong...) Right now I think about her all the time and wonder if she thinks of me too, and read into everything too much. :B lol I feel so pathetic but...

Isn't it so amazing though to be able to trust someone you care about so much to support you on difficult issues?

How are you coping lately? It's hard to accept the reality isn't it :c

I PM'd you - looking forward to hearing from you!

I'm going through something similar with my T as well! In the last session or so, she brought up the idea that I might have romantic feelings for her (I'm gay). I know I have positive feelings toward her, but I never really took the time to pick apart my feelings. I'm probably going to bring up the topic in my next session, even though it's uncomfortable. I think it's worth you bringing up to your T again too if you feel there's more to work through on the topic. After all, that's what your T is there for!

I have no idea what my T's sexual preference is, but regardless of that, she mentioned the significance of my feelings. T and I are around the same age and she suggested that my feelings were part of a larger pattern of my romantic relationships. Thinking about my feelings in that context actually made things a little less confusing. Maybe it would be worth thinking about why you have these feelings for T and what purpose it serves in your life? What about your T do you like and how does it relate to your life outside of therapy?

Thank you so much for your reply! When I break it down and look at it in smaller components, it makes me realize it is someone like her I would like in my future partner - stable, loving, educated, passionate.... among other things! I think this stability helps balance out the instability in my romantic relationships (I have just left a relationship with a man - it was very short term, but intensive) and I felt like I needed to compensate for what I felt ashamed about With her, I can just be who I am.... and that feels so good

Could it be because she's one of the first people to appreciate you and care for you as a lesbian? You've only recently accepted that you're gay and have been discussing about coming out, so my guess is - no one else in your life right now knows you're gay, which means they do not know a very important and deep part of who you are. Your T is perhaps the first person to know this very intimate secret, AND APPRECIATE IT. Your T did not freak out, did not reject you. She accepted you for who you are, which no one else has done for you just yet because well, no one else knows you're gay.

All this could very likely be why you feel so attracted to your T.

Personally, I'd say, try and keep your feelings under control while it's still manageable, and do not act upon it even if your T does give you hints. If it becomes obvious to you that she is attracted to you romantically, then perhaps it would be time to consider if you may need a new T.

I wonder if talking about your feelings for your T with her might be helpful, and perhaps you could discuss your boundaries. Other members on the forum can tell me if this would be good advice, as I'm not sure.

Thank you very much for your well-thought reply - it means so much!

I think a component of this is very true - though some people did know, it wasn't to the depth I described to her. I hadn't been able to describe any deeper into my feelings of my own sexuality, and to be able to fully appreciate and accept this part of me - until I worked with her to open these doors.

Possibly what made these feelings stronger were her compliments - it isn't really part of the context of my therapy, it was more in the sense of, "There is no possibility of you being single forever - because you are such a beautiful woman" (Though I don't fully agree - beauty is only in the eye of the beholder! - Being beautiful in your persona is most important!)
It's just so strange hearing that from someone you are attracted to (and even if I had an attraction to someone in a casual setting that knew I liked them - it would be a bit odd!

But, perhaps that is just me and my feelings towards it!

I understand what you are going through.

I am a bisexual woman and I am very much attracted to my female therapist (who I believe to be heterosexual). She has never said she thinks I am beautiful, but she has told me at times that I "look lovely", or "look nice", and once said "you look *really good*". It definitely had an impact on me. During one session she told me "you are *so cute*" and I couldn't stop thinking about it for days.

I just interpreted the things she said as an innocent compliment meant to make me feel better and encourage self-care. However, she doesn't know I am attracted to her. I know straight women constantly compliment each other's appearance as a socially acceptable way to bond, so that's what I assumed she was doing. I imagine your therapist does not know the impact her comments are having on you.

One of the tough things about being attracted to a therapist is that the way they act is the way people act toward people they are attracted to. T's listen attentively, make eye-contact, hang on your every word, are very responsive, kind...etc. Their appropriate behavior can unfortunately fuel one's attraction.

If the compliments escalate and they make you feel uncomfortable, you should let her know! Or if you are comfortable, you could ask her why she's telling you you are beautiful.

Good luck!

Thank you very much for your reply, and sharing some of your experience!

I am quite comfortable with it, I do think the only part that tends to concern me is my feelings towards her - but she text me saying we will talk about the attraction stuff at our next appt..... it is making me nervous!

I think what is happening is that it parallels an experience I had with a woman around her age too - a former professor. I would have never thought she would have felt the same way for me.... but she did. It was a very long and drawn out process, as she was really struggling with her sexuality.
I think with the fact I initially thought that she would be a "safe" attraction, and I wouldn't have to worry about her returning my feelings and I could explore my own feelings... but things got very hot and heavy quickly!

I am quite possibly going through my "safe attraction" thing again - with the hope I can explore this without her returning my feelings. If that makes any sense?
It's not a big deal if she had feelings either - mind you, we are all human! Just wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable or struggling with it either....

I'm glad your therapist is so open to discussing your attraction toward her! This is a great opportunity to work out what happened with your professor but within the safety of the therapeutic relationship. The great thing about therapy is that you can experience and discuss all your feelings and NOT have to worry about taking care of your therapist's feelings (easier said than done, I know, but in theory!) or that they'll act out inappropriately.

Thank you! I think that is exactly the beauty of a therapeutic relationship - that the attraction would not be acted on - which could act as a confounder in the relationship. Even if she DID have feelings, it is not possible for her to act on these at this place in time - though, I just hope she wouldn't struggle with it if she did.... as I (think) she is heterosexual - but it is my guess she will have the resources to deal with it if it did arise!

Hmmmmm.... well, it was an interesting appt - to say the least!

We were able to set some firmer boundaries - in terms of messaging, etc. But...... the appt just didn't feel engaged after all that. She said she didn't want me to depend on her - which I understand completely, though I probably do enjoy talking to her about random everyday things more than I do with my friends... just because I find the things she says quite interesting and educational.
But anyway, it felt so awkward - almost like she couldn't wait to get me out of there! Usually we have a nice, light ending to the session with a few laughs - but this was just, "OK, see you later" - earlier than before our time even ended.
Actually, I didn't talk about my attraction to her - which was probably the main issue in the first place... not my support network, which is somewhat fine.
Now, it feels like a bit of an artificial relationship - of course I do understand the boundaries she needs to implement, but the tension in the room afterwards......... oh dear.