[zombie paloma]

This is another post about being in love with my therapist. It is not a fleeting admiration, it is a hit-by-a-train when I see her situation.

She knows I feel this way. We have discussed transference and the unfair nature of the relationship. This hasn't helped. I had a good month last month and made lots of progress, she suggested we see each other once a fortnight, I felt like my heart had dropped out through my arse. Things have gone downhill since then. Last session consisted of me sitting in silence gritting my teeth and not being able to look her in the eye. I detest this feeling so much, I want to quit, but then I'll never see her again, but then I'm angry with her and I want her to miss me. I should probably discuss this with her, but it won't change how I feel about her. All of these irrational and needy thoughts are making me very angry with myself, it makes me feel pathetic.

Originally Posted by zombie paloma

This is another post about being in love with my therapist. It is not a fleeting admiration, it is a hit-by-a-train when I see her situation.

She knows I feel this way. We have discussed transference and the unfair nature of the relationship. This hasn't helped. I had a good month last month and made lots of progress, she suggested we see each other once a fortnight, I felt like my heart had dropped out through my arse. Things have gone downhill since then. Last session consisted of me sitting in silence gritting my teeth and not being able to look her in the eye. I detest this feeling so much, I want to quit, but then I'll never see her again, but then I'm angry with her and I want her to miss me. I should probably discuss this with her, but it won't change how I feel about her. All of these irrational and needy thoughts are making me very angry with myself, it makes me feel pathetic.

Hi ZP -

Over time, discussing these feelings can make the needs grow smaller and smaller. Is once a fortnight less or more than before? Less?

I know it's difficult. In my opinion, "falling in love" with your therapist makes the therapy better....with the type of therapist who works with transference.

I don't have any advice, I just really feel for you. These things really have nothing to do with romance.

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by zombie paloma

This is another post about being in love with my therapist. It is not a fleeting admiration, it is a hit-by-a-train when I see her situation.

She knows I feel this way. We have discussed transference and the unfair nature of the relationship. This hasn't helped. I had a good month last month and made lots of progress, she suggested we see each other once a fortnight, I felt like my heart had dropped out through my arse. Things have gone downhill since then. Last session consisted of me sitting in silence gritting my teeth and not being able to look her in the eye. I detest this feeling so much, I want to quit, but then I'll never see her again, but then I'm angry with her and I want her to miss me. I should probably discuss this with her, but it won't change how I feel about her. All of these irrational and needy thoughts are making me very angry with myself, it makes me feel pathetic.

I'm going to have to agree with Skies here. Talking about my feelings for my T has helped SO MUCH. It didn't help at first, it felt so awkward and exposing but over time I started to realize my feelings were warranted and accepted even though they weren't going to be returned. If you think your T is capable of managing your feelings (mine has proven to be, thank God) then I would suggest really allowing yourself to feel them and talk about them as openly as you can.

For me, I reached a turning point when I acknowledged that my feelings aren't about him so much as how he makes me feel. I also lost a lot of the shame my feelings caused me when I started to understand there's a big difference between intentions and feelings. I have loving feelings for my therapist but I have no intention to do anything with those feelings. I have learned to be less judgmental of my feelings because my endearment for him has helped me feel closer to someone and makes me want to work hard for someone I respect.

I've also talked about my feelings of neediness (like you described) in that I wanted him to like me (not romantically), wanted him to think I was working hard enough, wanted to know I mattered to him outside sessions, etc. I found it all very healing to talk about.

It comes and goes, but I currently don't feel pathetic about my feelings for him at all, though I truly used to. I see them as a healthy part of a therapeutic bond and an essential part of MY experience, even though many people claim not to experience transference at all. It didn't happen overnight and I talked about my feelings for him (in some capacity) at nearly every session for months. His patience never wavered and we had the same conversations dozens of times. But it helped. And I "love" "him" more than ever. And that's okay.

I wonder if it's possible for you to start to change your relationship to your feelings and stop beating yourself up over them?

[zombie paloma]

Thank you to both of you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot to be understood and you have mentioned some good strategies that I will try. I don't want to quit because I'm in pain (I'm a stubborn wotsit) and I need to be able to cope in the future if I meet someone and that person has less compassion and patience than my T.

Sorry you are in pain. I agree working through this with your therapist can help with relationships. Work through my love feelings with T made such a difference.

Z, come down below to the main forum and post. There's a lot more going on down there!

[SabinaS]

Do you mean she has suggested going from once weekly to once fortnightly? If so, that doesn't seem very fair to me and I can understand why you would feel angry and let down about that - especially if you have been discussing the strong feelings you have towards her. What type of therapy are you in? See if you can keep it once weekly, as the more you see her, the more opportunity you have of working through your feelings... and yep, discuss all of those feelings with her if you can.

[zombie paloma]

Hi Sabina, thanks for replying

I was having counselling once a week and my T suggested meeting once a fortnight instead. I haven't mentioned that she works for a charity and is volunteering as a counsellor. She is fully qualified and works elsewhere too, which is why I feel awful - I'm not paying to be there, she is giving up her time for me. She is lovely, she really is. I know loving her is ok, I just want to work through the pain of not having her in my life. She ticks so many boxes for me, it's ridiculous. She's funny, warm, gorgeous and clever - what's not to love. I've tried to convince myself that she kills small animals in spare time... (She doesn't, she loves animals damn it!).

I have Borderline PD (which I constantly apologise for) amongst other things and I just wonder if she would prefer me to see someone else now. I'm a terrible mind reader and she is keeping strict boundaries and I am sticking to them, it's just a horrible, horrible war in my head.

I'm seeing her on Thursday (I think! I walked out a fortnight ago). The attraction is bonkers, I haven't felt like this since I fell in love with my best friend at school. The anger and frustration are not me, I'm a peace loving person and the strength of these feelings is too much.