Transference: Do I have to let it go?

This is a loooong post, sorry. Summary: Transference is a good thing, right? So do I have to lose it? what if I don't want to?!?

Now... all my life I've mastered the art of the unrequited crush. I didn't date anyone until college - only after I came out as a lesbian. That was a joyful moment in my life.

I'm getting close to telling my T about my transference with her. It's maternal and erotic. We've been honing in on the lack I felt as a kid. I'm up to speed on all that now. I was raised by a single Mom who was abandoned by her husband (my "NotDad" is the label I have for that man) and most likely Mom suffered severe post-partum depression and still suffers from bouts of depression to this day. It took some time to take my Mother off the 'pedestal' and examine how her situation did fail me as a child. I know she did her best and I had other sources of care (Grandmother) but no doubt there was some things lacking, despite the very real love and affection I did get. This is all one major source of my anxiety, depression and other stuff.

So there's that. Okay, I get it. T:crush= Mom/lover/safe-space for all that needy childhood stuff as well as some contemporary needs for validation, attention, self-respect, etc. (Yay me!) Thing is, right now, this crush feels fine to me. I know I need to talk to T about it—*because I do think it's inhibiting me on some topics (I haven't even discussed anything about sex or sexuality with her yet and I'm pretty sure that's transference keeping me from doing so) but ... I guess I'm a little afraid of losing some of the bittersweet fun of it too. Sometimes it is like a habit-forming drug that I'm trying carefully not to use too much of, but other times it's more like a security blanket that makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Also, aside from the occasional distant crush on teachers, friends and other women in real life, I've always had a 'fictional' romantic/fatherly thing for older male celebrities. Go figure. I've never felt the need to analyze it, it seems apparent to be these were father figures and just safe psychological landing pads for that side of my emotional/fantasy life. I know now the word for this is Transference. We're about to talk about all this in session because I'm realizing there are lingering "NotDad" issues I need to resolve. This is another major source of my anxiety and depression (not about the lack of a "Dad'" but the way my family dealt with the divorce and my Mom's pain.)

I've had some pretty good obsessions over the years and my obsessions always lead me to discover new things (literature, theater, art, etc. whatever that particular celeb is into.) I've had intense sexual fantasies about many of these male celebs but I've never even felt the need to question my real life sexual orientation because — well- I know the difference and I know what it means for me. It's just some emotional need or safe exploration of that side of my brain.

I don't want to lose that side of me. It feels creative, fun, expressive and joyful. I'm nervous that as I begin to unpack what the Father figure (or lack thereof) means in my life - I will lose some of the joy in these fantasy idols.

It seems to be transference will always be a thing. If I can just be honest about it— I don't see why it can't be a good thing?

I'm passing trough the same situation as you! i have transference for my T since 2012 and even if hurts me so much i... how can i say... i love this feeling... i have erotic/paternal/romantical transference for him, i want to be some kind of lover to him and at the same time his little girl because of bad relationship with my father but for me it's like a drug! passion for me in general is like a drug, maybe because i have borderline personality disorder but i don't want to lose this feeling for him, never, it's a good thing for me this transference even if hurts me like i said.

I agree with you, why transference have to be a bad thing always?

I wouldnt judge it as good or bad. Its just something you will be getting more information about as you explore the sources and dig thru the layers of your feelings. Hopefully if something is useful you keep it; if it is counterproductive or causes you problems, you would let go of it.

You're just overthinking it. Like you, I don't think it's a bad thing. I also don't think it's an "unreal" thing, i.e. I think I really love my therapist, and I want him sexually... transference is a label, it's not a way of saying my feelings are somehow not legitimate. If my love isn't real then my love for anyone and anything has never been real... I hope you're following me. IMO people who fall in love with a therapist might be more likely than others to have needs stemming from unmet childhood stuff. People with secure childhoods still fall in love with those that meet their needs, they just might have different needs than me, good for them I guess.

FWIW, I don't think talking about transference diminishes it, and if it does it's not immediate, at least in my case. It was scary and hard to do, because it's like admitting nothing will come of it. You're putting it out there for analysis, so in some ways the fantasy will take a back seat, at least while discussing it. in other ways though, I've discovered I kind of like professing my love. I like that its out there, vs past loves of teachers etc, where I hid in silence and they probably never knew how I felt. I think a lot will depend on how your therapist reacts. So long as they aren't new to the profession you should be good, but best to keep in mind some therapists (I've heard) react poorly, get freaked out, terminate therapy... that was my biggest concern, but when it didn't happen I felt so much lighter about everything. Good luck!

It certainly could be a good thing, and it looks like it is a good thing in your case. In and of itself, transference is neither good or bad. It's just something that naturally develops under certain conditions, and, it's not confined to a therapy room only, by the way, but that's a different topic.

The effect of transference can be either healing or harmful depending on various factors, but primarily on therapist's behavior. Clearly, in your case, it's a healing thing and doesn't need to be gotten rid of. I think, when you are ready to end therapy, it will transform. May be it'll become less intense, may be it'll transform into something else, but it'll be something that wouldn't prevent you from leaving when you are ready to leave. I am just speculating..

Why does it have to be transference. Why can't a zebra be a damn zebra. Why can't it just be you love, like, adore, sexually desire, what every, because of their philosophy in life, their journey in life, their looks?

It's not that easy. I have maternal transference with my T both positive and negative. I could tell myself that the positive is just love but it's nothing I've ever experienced before and that's due to being emotionally neglected as a child. The negative has been crazy. I once asked her if she was purposely acting like my mom. I have fought with her, gotten mad and expected the worse from her. THAT is not normal for me. And while I could see and tell myself she's not my mom, deep down I saw the same negative traits my mom had in her. It's been a wild ride!

Because how can you 'love' someone of whom you actually know very little about?

You might love what you do know- but odds are - most of that is really just about what you get out of the conversation in that office space during therapy— and if your T is doing things right— most of that time is about YOU and YOUR issues.

Unless your T is a pin up model. Sexual desire is never just about their looks. (I would argue pin up models aren't about their looks either- but that's another forum.)

Some T's share more about themselves than others. My individual T is fairly tight-lipped about her personal life (aside from occasional shares relating to being a mother, etc.), but my marriage counselor shares much more of himself in sessions. Mostly, it's sharing experiences from his personal life to relate to what my husband and I are going through, but some of it is definitely revealing. He's also very open about having faults and insecurities. It's effective for therapy because it's very humanizing--it's not like he's some demigod up on a pedestal trying to advise us. And it also makes him very appealing to me--I'm not into the confident, arrogant type. I have feelings of love for him while also acknowledging that I don't know all of him. I love what I know of him and how he is to me.

And I also have love for my individual T, though it's more of a maternal transference thing (we've discussed it, it's fine). Incidentally, she's also like 25 years older than me, while MC is like 10 years older.

Oh.....I guess because my T does not hide behind an analytical stance. He is transparent with me and has graciously disclosed information about his journey in life, his struggles, his successes so I love what I know about him.

Falling "in love" with a person, with the intense sexual desire that comes along with it, is always something that always fades with time as you get familiar with that person. Crazy in love: What happens in your brain when you really do have chemistry | Daily Mail Online

I know some therapists purportedly say this, "how can you love me when you don't know me.." and I say ********. How well do you/can you know anyone? How many dates would you need to go on and how much personal info shared to "legitimately" love someone. The reality (I think) is we have a fantasy image of every single person we think we know.

This! So much this!