[LonesomeTonight]

This question is for those who've shared their feelings with their T. I assume you probably talked about it for a few sessions, maybe more, then the topic turned more back to other therapy stuff. I think I know the answer for a couple of you, but did you feel the need to discuss it again later? And did you?

I ask because I shared a few months ago with my marriage counselor, we had a couple individual sessions in which we discussed things (and also discussed things in a couple joint sessions with H). Then nothing has really been discussed for a couple months, but we've still been having regular joint sessions. Lately, I've been feeling a need for...something with MC. Kind of like a need for reassurance. But I'm not entirely sure what I need to be reassured of...That everything's OK? That he's still there for me if I need to talk? Something else?

I sent him an e-mail yesterday about something completely unrelated to any of this, just addressing something that had come up in session about my kid and wanting clarification. (I don't e-mail him much--last one was a couple weeks ago, just as an update, then before that was a couple months). I told him I didn't need a response (though if he wanted to give one, great), but we could just discuss it in session. I was basically looking for reassurance on how I'd handled something.

I realized a bit after I sent the e-mail that I don't think I was so much looking for reassurance on that specifically, but just in general. I thought about sending another e-mail stating that, but didn't want to be annoying (and then if he didn't respond to that, I'd feel weird and wonder if he'd bring it up in session next week). If he was just my regular T, I'd bring it up in our next session. But I feel odd bringing it up in front of H. I'd be OK saying at the beginning of the session that I'd like to talk to him for a couple minutes by myself at the end if he and H are OK with that, adding to H that it's nothing bad. And then I could say something about feeling the need for reassurance and not knowing if I wanted another session or just a brief check in at some point, or what exactly. Or I could leave him a voice mail and ask him to call my cell? Or hand him a note at the end of the session, though that might be weird since H tends to walk out behind me.

Suggestions? And have other people felt this undefinable need?

And I could talk to my individual T about it, but I intended to bring up stuff with her last week but couldn't seem to do it (plus I had other stuff to talk about). I have some maternal transference with her where I fear she'll take away something I care about if I let on how much I care about it. So I know that plays into it...

[nicoleflynn]

I discussed my feelings for my t years ago....after my situation was resolved.....business dispute, I stayed with him because I loved him.

[LindaLu]

Oh yes. Yes I've felt that vague undefinable need! For me it has an element of dread because of past abuse.

I once asked my T what I refer to internally as "My three questions." Questions about how she feels and thinks about me. I carry those Qs inside me, sometimes wondering whether it time to ask her again. But I remember her reassurance and feel better.

Some of this stemmed from my admitting ET for her. Really uncomfortable topic.

It's hard to navigate attachment and vulnerability directly. Talking about lots of topics has reduced my need for reassurance or contact out of session, extra sessions, etc. Even talk about random topics about stuff in this small town helps demostrate she is reliable and steady.

Sorry to ramble on (as usual but the main point is to give yourself time with this MC. He is still fairly new to you. But your feelings and actions are understandable!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by LindaLu

Oh yes. Yes I've felt that vague undefinable need! For me it has an element of dread because of past abuse.

I once asked my T what I refer to internally as "My three questions." Questions about how she feels and thinks about me. I carry those Qs inside me, sometimes wondering whether it time to ask her again. But I remember her reassurance and feel better.

Some of this stemmed from my admitting ET for her. Really uncomfortable topic.

It's hard to navigate attachment and vulnerability directly. Talking about lots of topics has reduced my need for reassurance or contact out of session, extra sessions, etc. Even talk about random topics about stuff in this small town helps demostrate she is reliable and steady.

Sorry to ramble on (as usual but the main point is to give yourself time with this MC. He is still fairly new to you. But your feelings and actions are understandable!

Thanks for your response! Don't worry about rambling--I always intend to give a quick reply on here, then go on for paragraphs!

It helps that you've been through something similar and understand the "vague undefinable need." I've never actually asked MC what he thinks and feels about me because I'm not sure how he'd answer. Like, would he feel like he had to give an answer like, "I care about you, just like I care about all my patients" or something like that? At one point recently during therapy (session w/my H), I mentioned something I was worried to bring up because I thought it would freak MC out (

Possible trigger:

random thoughts of self-harm that I later realized were related to Effexor

). And he said that he had his impression of me and my H, and that very little I could say would change that. I would love to know what his impression of me is (and my individual T said to just ask him), but then part of me is afraid to know!

You mention that he's new--the thing is, we've actually been seeing him off and on for like 2 years. The ET has really only surfaced for me in the past 6 months or so though. So I feel like I know him fairly well and have a good sense of who he is (he shares a lot about himself--though obviously not everything!) Though having these feelings for him (and having him know about them) is fairly new.

Again, part of the awkwardness here is because he's not my individual T. I wish I could just hand him a note mentioning the vague undefinable need (or say something about it just to him, without H being there), hoping he'd understand what I mean and maybe know the right thing to say to make me feel better. Or say that maybe we need a full individual session, if he needed a better understanding of what I meant.

I assume my H would agree to my talking to MC for a couple minutes on my own if I assure him it's nothing bad. (He may ask me about it later, but I can come up with something to explain it.)

I could talk about this with my own T, but I tend to feel weird talking about this with her. She's fine and understanding about it, and we can joke about it too (which is good!). And I trust her not to say anything to him unless I want her to (based on her past actions). But I think maybe I"m afraid I'll tell her, and she'll be like "Let's process it in here," when part of me feels like I at least need even a very brief conversation with MC (even if it's just over the phone). Though maybe if I talk to her about it, I can get a better sense of what I want/need from MC, so I'm not just like, "So I have this need," and he says, "What's the need?" and I say "I dunno!" And then asks "What can I do to help?" and I'm like "I dunno!" Because that would not be very productive I'll think about it.

[rainbow8]

Do you think you need MC to reassure you again that he accepts your feelings about him, like maybe you're afraid he changed his mind? Or, another possibility is that you want to connect with him on that deep level you were at when you talked about your feelings. Of course you probably know that I'm one who talks about my feelings for my T whenever they come up, which is fairly often!

It sounds like you wouldn't be satisfied working through it with your regular T. You want to talk to MC privately without your husband, and then make up an acceptable reason to tell your H. I may be wrong, not it seems like you're trying to rationalize talking it over with MC. I'm not criticizing you because it's how my mind works too! So maybe the reassurance is actually a wanting to connect, which may be all right, except it may escalate your feelings for him. Just my opinion. Like I side, I could be wrong.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I have some maternal transference with her where I fear she'll take away something I care about if I let on how much I care about it. So I know that plays into it...

Oh boy this comment struck me. I grew up this way....my mom and step dad were like this. So I've always been rather closed up, keeping my feelings to myself. Unfortunately, my T has proven to me that she is also this way.

[LindaLu]

Maybe I thought your mc was recent because you started posting about him within last 6 months. Or maybe I'm just spacey!

It seems if you don't talk about this with someone it could lead to more Rumination and discomfort. Alternatives... are there books about undergoing couples therapy that might explain (normalize) what you're feeling? Was there something that happened in your life around 6 months that contributed to these feelings that you would be comfortable processing with your individual T?
Or maybe there something that changed in the dynamic 6 months ago (e.g., you were validated by MC) and that validation brought on these feelings?

It's hard to be vulnerable and hear from your individual therapist "Let's process that rationally." I'm need to process a classic case of transference with a third party with my T and it's excruciating to plan for that session. Your situation with MC is much tougher, seeking the truth from him, getting possibly the neutral "you're important to me like all my clients are important." Double ouch.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by LindaLu

Maybe I thought your mc was recent because you started posting about him within last 6 months. Or maybe I'm just spacey!

It seems if you don't talk about this with someone it could lead to more Rumination and discomfort. Alternatives... are there books about undergoing couples therapy that might explain (normalize) what you're feeling? Was there something that happened in your life around 6 months that contributed to these feelings that you would be comfortable processing with your individual T?
Or maybe there something that changed in the dynamic 6 months ago (e.g., you were validated by MC) and that validation brought on these feelings?

It's hard to be vulnerable and hear from your individual therapist "Let's process that rationally." I'm need to process a classic case of transference with a third party with my T and it's excruciating to plan for that session. Your situation with MC is much tougher, seeking the truth from him, getting possibly the neutral "you're important to me like all my clients are important." Double ouch.

This!!! The part that I bolded about being validated by MC. Two things around the same time (6 months or so) here:

1. At the time, I wasn't feeling empathy from my H in general. I was crying in an MC session about not feeling empathy from him (H0 and being unsure of my feelings for him and feeling badly about that. Was explaining this to MC. While I was crying and having trouble getting the words out, I said to MC, "I'm sorry" (as in "I'm sorry I'm crying and having trouble talking"), and he said "It's OK." It's not what he said, but the way he said it that was just so caring and understanding--I've referenced this on here before, but it was like he was hugging me with his voice.

My H also gets upset with me saying "I'm sorry" too much, and a while ago (pre the 6 months), it came up with MC. Was trying to explain why, and MC said it was probably that I was looking for reassurance. Which I realized was the reason. I'd thought H would understand from that and be less annoyed at me apologizing. Like, if he realized I just needed reassurance, he'd reassure me instead of being annoyed. But it didn't really work that way. I did try to cut back on my apologies, but he'd still often get annoyed, even if I was apologizing for something "normal" to apologize about (like not doing some household chore I'd said I'd do, not hearing/understanding what he said, etc.).

So I think that's part of why MC's very caring "It's OK" (when I was basically apologizing for crying in a therapist's office, which is totally normal!) was so affecting to me.

Will put the second part in a separate post in a bit (it also involves my individual T).

[LonesomeTonight]

Ok, so other thing occurred not long after that. There was a career-related thing that I was really upset about. My H didn't give me much support--what he said kinda made me feel worse. Then I had my T the next day and figured she'd support/validate me, both re: the career thing and my H not being supportive. Nope--she actually said, "I know you want validation right now, but I'm not going to validate you." I think she was trying to get me to think more about what happened and my role in it/response to it, but it just crushed me. I sat in the car and sobbed in the parking lot for like a half hour after that.

Had MC maybe 2 days later. I talked about the thing in there and H's reaction to it and how that made me feel. And FINALLY, I got some validation, from MC. I was also getting the sense he understood me better than T--from things he's said, I get the sense he's "been there" personally for some of the same mental health issues, like anxiety, as me, while I don't get that sense from T. Plus personality-wise there's more in common, like introversion vs. T's extroversion.

So that led me to, I think the next week, ask MC if he'd be willing to see me for a few individual sessions (to talk about stuff with me, avoiding anything about H). He said he'd feel more comfortable if I just continued seeing my T, I think partly because he didn't want to be infringing on her space. Oddly, when I was asking him this (in person, at the end of the appt., after asking if I could talk to him for a sec alone), it suddenly felt like I was asking him on a date or something. And there was this strange sensation of chemistry there as I was standing talking to him. That feeling plus my weepy reaction once I got outside made me realize I had some sort of feelings for him.

I also felt guilty like I was cheating on my T (played my tears off to my H as that), and figured MC would mention our conversation to her, so I called and left a rambling apology on her voicemail. She called back, said it was fine, she understood why I was mad, we discussed what had happened at the next session, and I think our relationship got even better as a result of that.

I mentioned having some maternal transference for her, and along with the ET for MC, I'm pretty sure I'm also having some paternal transference, even though he's only like 10-ish years older than me (T is my parents' age). When I met with him later, and this came up, I realized it was almost like I was mad at "Mom," so I ran to "Dad," like a child would do.

Talking about the paternal stuff now, that shows itself in my feeling safe and emotionally secure with MC, and in my initial desire for him just to hold me (rather than...other stuff)--this is stuff we talked about in our first individual session. (It all made sense in terms of some stuff with my father, who is fairly emotionally detached, and who I felt like was rejecting me at one point in adolescence because of my issues with anxiety). I think some of the paternal stuff is coming out, too, because I have a child, so it brings back stuff from my childhood. Plus, my H is now not just an H, but also a father, so I'm seeing him in that way.

So I wonder if my need for reassurance or whatever it is could maybe be coming from the paternal place rather than the erotic (hate that term!)/romantic one? Yeah, this is all very confusing and complicated.

[LonesomeTonight]

Eek, that was long! Thanks for reading

[Petra5ed]

You and I have so much in common. Yes, I feel a need to keep talking about my attachment to my therapist in our sessions. It is something I think about too frequently really, and it's a hard subject to bring up! I've brought it up, even told him I'm in love with him, but it is so awkward that I have never really stayed on topic. It occurred to me the other day that if I really started to talk about how I feel I would lose my **** and probably cry one of those incoherent cries through the whole session. I'm afraid of losing my ****! I don't even want to cry in front of him, let alone the incoherent bawling I know is lurking right under the surface now.

I was once in your shoes too and seeing my beloved therapist as a marriage counselor while seeing my own female individual T. I would suggest you do what I did, which is I told my current beloved T I preferred working with him and wanted to see him individually, and I fired my old female T who I wasn't working well with in retrospect (even though like yours we got along just fine). Luckily I felt for my T and did this early on before we really got off on the marriage counseling front, but we still do marriage work from time to time. Do you think this would work for you? My husband has never said he cared.

I think we have the same issue too. I feel so ******* alone. My husband doesn't emotionally connect with me at all. I need to make new friends. I want a love relationship with passion/ empathy/ something! My therapist is my most intimate relationship at the moment, he's the only person who seems to truly see me, which is very appealing. It's like something I crave now that I've seen it can exist (being seen and felt by another person)... and it's something I crave that I cant have that is tantalizingly just out of reach. Sucks!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Do you think you need MC to reassure you again that he accepts your feelings about him, like maybe you're afraid he changed his mind? Or, another possibility is that you want to connect with him on that deep level you were at when you talked about your feelings. Of course you probably know that I'm one who talks about my feelings for my T whenever they come up, which is fairly often!

It sounds like you wouldn't be satisfied working through it with your regular T. You want to talk to MC privately without your husband, and then make up an acceptable reason to tell your H. I may be wrong, not it seems like you're trying to rationalize talking it over with MC. I'm not criticizing you because it's how my mind works too! So maybe the reassurance is actually a wanting to connect, which may be all right, except it may escalate your feelings for him. Just my opinion. Like I side, I could be wrong.

Rainbow, the part I bolded is exactly what I'm trying to figure out! Do I need the reassurance that it's (my feelings) are still OK, that he still accepts me? And if he just says that (or something to that effect), then I'll be OK? (And that could be like a 5-min conversation). Or do I just want to feel connected again? Though I often feel the connection during the marriage counseling, since he often talks directly to me in there, as well as to both of us and directly to my H. We talk about some of my individual issues/concerns in there because they ultimately affect our marriage.

I think it's just weird in a way that it was talked about it so much for a bit, then it's just sort of there in the background, but not being talked about. Like the proverbial elephant in the room. I'm curious, does MC wonder if the feelings are still there? Though maybe he can tell, I don't know. (He certainly didn't seem to realize before, or else he was a really good actor when I eventually fessed up.)

You've given me some more stuff to think about, so thanks!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Rainbow, the part I bolded is exactly what I'm trying to figure out! Do I need the reassurance that it's (my feelings) are still OK, that he still accepts me? And if he just says that (or something to that effect), then I'll be OK? (And that could be like a 5-min conversation). Or do I just want to feel connected again? Though I often feel the connection during the marriage counseling, since he often talks directly to me in there, as well as to both of us and directly to my H. We talk about some of my individual issues/concerns in there because they ultimately affect our marriage.

I think it's just weird in a way that it was talked about it so much for a bit, then it's just sort of there in the background, but not being talked about. Like the proverbial elephant in the room. I'm curious, does MC wonder if the feelings are still there? Though maybe he can tell, I don't know. (He certainly didn't seem to realize before, or else he was a really good actor when I eventually fessed up.)

You've given me some more stuff to think about, so thanks!

I doubt whether MC wonders if the feelings are still there. He probably knows they are. Like my T says " you can notice the feelings and move on." I think WE are the ones who find it hard to move on. If we need to talk more about it, then maybe it can be productive. Like Petra, I believe my relationship with my T is my most intimate, and I too want the passion, the empathy, the connection I don't have with my H. So no wonder we want to talk more about our feelings to our T. The trick is to realize it's like a steppingstone! It's unhealthy to get those needs met totally by our Ts. So, Lonesome, I think it can be both, a need for reassurance from your MC, but also a need to have someone to give you what you aren't getting elsewhere. It's cool, I think, that he's your MC, because he can help you get those needs met by your H. There's nothing to DO with the feelings for MC or our Ts. That's what is frustrating for me. I can write poetry or paint pictures, by sometimes I just need to tell HER, like at my last session, how much I like her hair when it's wet. So, maybe you just want to TELL him again?

[LonesomeTonight]

Will respond more to everyone later. Thanks for the comments!

One thought/question first--would it make sense to, say, copy/paste my comments from this thread (I'd conceal any of your names!) and show it to my individual T? That might be easier for me than opening up a conversation with her about it. (And if I had something printed out, it would presumably keep me from talking about other stuff for 45 minutes, then be like, "Oh, I wanted to talk about MC, but oops, will have to wait till next session.")

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I doubt whether MC wonders if the feelings are still there. He probably knows they are. Like my T says " you can notice the feelings and move on." I think WE are the ones who find it hard to move on. If we need to talk more about it, then maybe it can be productive. Like Petra, I believe my relationship with my T is my most intimate, and I too want the passion, the empathy, the connection I don't have with my H. So no wonder we want to talk more about our feelings to our T. The trick is to realize it's like a steppingstone! It's unhealthy to get those needs met totally by our Ts. So, Lonesome, I think it can be both, a need for reassurance from your MC, but also a need to have someone to give you what you aren't getting elsewhere. It's cool, I think, that he's your MC, because he can help you get those needs met by your H. There's nothing to DO with the feelings for MC or our Ts. That's what is frustrating for me. I can write poetry or paint pictures, by sometimes I just need to tell HER, like at my last session, how much I like her hair when it's wet. So, maybe you just want to TELL him again?

OK, one quick response since I have a minute (I want to respond to Petra, too!) I think there's something to this bolded part, that maybe I want to be able t tell him how I feel. But more on that later (need to go out to dinner w/H and kid).

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I doubt whether MC wonders if the feelings are still there. He probably knows they are. Like my T says " you can notice the feelings and move on." I think WE are the ones who find it hard to move on. If we need to talk more about it, then maybe it can be productive. Like Petra, I believe my relationship with my T is my most intimate, and I too want the passion, the empathy, the connection I don't have with my H. So no wonder we want to talk more about our feelings to our T. The trick is to realize it's like a steppingstone! It's unhealthy to get those needs met totally by our Ts. So, Lonesome, I think it can be both, a need for reassurance from your MC, but also a need to have someone to give you what you aren't getting elsewhere. It's cool, I think, that he's your MC, because he can help you get those needs met by your H. There's nothing to DO with the feelings for MC or our Ts. That's what is frustrating for me. I can write poetry or paint pictures, by sometimes I just need to tell HER, like at my last session, how much I like her hair when it's wet. So, maybe you just want to TELL him again?

Responding in more detail to this...I definitely feel very close to MC in terms of intimacy and empathy (and to my T to some extent as well). I think you may be right that I feel a need to share again how I feel. I think of times in the past when I felt something for someone I was dating at the time (or someone that I wasn't dating at the time), where I just wanted to be like, "I adore you!" or "I love you!" but felt like it was too soon. Definitely felt that at one point with my current H, where I just kept thinking "I love you!" but couldn't say it because it had gone badly a couple times in the past. I mean, one time, I just told a guy after our 4th date when we were kissing in public (maybe a little drunk!), "You know, I really like you!" And he was like, "That was very brave of you to say." Then I never heard from him again.

But yeah, there's this part of me that if I feel something, I want to express it to the person and also have them be OK with it. So sometimes it's like I wish I could say what I'm feeling to MC--I mean, it's probably obvious, but I love him (not sure if it's in the sense of a, well, lover, or like a paternal figure or even a friend). But I worry he would be like, "OK, if you feel that way, then maybe we shouldn't continue marriage counseling" or "That's so flattering but I can't say anything back to that."

So this part of me is like, would he still accept me if he knew what I felt? Or even if not to tell him that, to just be like, "You know I adore you," or "You know I think you're awesome," or even just, "You make me feel really safe and secure. I'm glad you're in my life." (Or, in a less appropriate statement, "Sometimes I have sexual fantasies about you...")

But I can't tell him any of that. So it's like, maybe if I could just say something small, like, "I really appreciate you," or even, "I'm glad you're in my life," it would help. But then it's also like I know he couldn't necessarily reciprocate the statement to me. After our second (and last) individual session, when we were parting ways, he did the usual handshake and said "It was good to see you." And I was like, "Thank you" (because he was originally reluctant to do a second individual session." And he said, "Thank you!" to me. So not sure what that part has to do with anything, but yeah...

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

You and I have so much in common. Yes, I feel a need to keep talking about my attachment to my therapist in our sessions. It is something I think about too frequently really, and it's a hard subject to bring up! I've brought it up, even told him I'm in love with him, but it is so awkward that I have never really stayed on topic. It occurred to me the other day that if I really started to talk about how I feel I would lose my **** and probably cry one of those incoherent cries through the whole session. I'm afraid of losing my ****! I don't even want to cry in front of him, let alone the incoherent bawling I know is lurking right under the surface now.

I was once in your shoes too and seeing my beloved therapist as a marriage counselor while seeing my own female individual T. I would suggest you do what I did, which is I told my current beloved T I preferred working with him and wanted to see him individually, and I fired my old female T who I wasn't working well with in retrospect (even though like yours we got along just fine). Luckily I felt for my T and did this early on before we really got off on the marriage counseling front, but we still do marriage work from time to time. Do you think this would work for you? My husband has never said he cared.

I think we have the same issue too. I feel so ******* alone. My husband doesn't emotionally connect with me at all. I need to make new friends. I want a love relationship with passion/ empathy/ something! My therapist is my most intimate relationship at the moment, he's the only person who seems to truly see me, which is very appealing. It's like something I crave now that I've seen it can exist (being seen and felt by another person)... and it's something I crave that I cant have that is tantalizingly just out of reach. Sucks!

Thanks for the response. We do sound quite similar. I miss the passion/empathy, too. Having it with your T makes you miss it more at home--it makes you remember what you're missing. Just the feeling of connection when you look in their eyes, feeling understood and accepted... (I've had it in some past relationships, too.)

Not sure if switching to MC as an individual T for me would work here--mainly unsure about how my H would feel about it. Well, and how MC would feel about it, too. Or my T. H (and MC for that matter) is fine with us continuing to see him, though, thankfully!

And it helps to know you feel the need to talk about it with your T repeatedly, too.

I'm thinking of talking to my individual T about my desire for reassurance (or whatever it is I want!) from MC in our session tomorrow to see what she says. Maybe I could start by showing her my initial post on this thread--does that seem like a good idea?

[LonesomeTonight]

And that question about whether I should show my T (individual, not MC) at least my first post in this thread tomorrow was for anyone, not just Petra! (If I show her all my posts in this thread, she'll spend the whole session just getting through them! Plus a lot of it is background info that she already knows.) I'd welcome any thoughts :-)

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

And that question about whether I should show my T (individual, not MC) at least my first post in this thread tomorrow was for anyone, not just Petra! (If I show her all my posts in this thread, she'll spend the whole session just getting through them! Plus a lot of it is background info that she already knows.) I'd welcome any thoughts :-)

Id show it to her, can't think why not. I like bringing in written material, a lot of times that's the only way I can communicate when there's something I really want to talk about but is hard to bring up, embarrassing or whatever.

[rainbow8]

Are you sure you don't mind your T reading what you wrote about maternal transference toward her? I would reread your post to be sure you want to tell her everything you wrote. If you do. then I think it's a good idea.I hope your session goes well!

[susan900]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I discussed my feelings for my t years ago....after my situation was resolved.....business dispute, I stayed with him because I loved him.

Hey Nicoleflynn. and All folks!

Do any of you remember me from 2012? I was feeling Abandoned by my Therapist.. as he said my sessions finished but call me back in a few months.. for more therapy.. He promised he will help me with Ocd, till I am better.. and like a fool I trusted his every word.. but he don't like me now. Hope he don't hate me.

I shared with him that I had feelings for him.. and can't cope without his help for my Ocd problems.. He told me at first to keep in contact..then when I did.. he told me on phone..(I am NOT your friend! ) I did him called a couple of times, twice in one day, I didnt know he was not in till afternoon...

Anyway.. now, I am seeing a New therapist for my Ocd.. and the new one says he knows my Old T! Also New Therapist said to be last week.. Did I stalk my old T?! I said Noway! But I want to talk to New T tomorrow, as I am uspet that my old T. said bad stuff about me.. So my question is, Is sending emails or messages on facebook classed as Stalking your Therapist?? I hope not.. I am married and would Not have caused my Old T any harm.. but I did feel alot for him..

Hope your all good, and getting good help from your therapist.

Susan

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Are you sure you don't mind your T reading what you wrote about maternal transference toward her? I would reread your post to be sure you want to tell her everything you wrote. If you do. then I think it's a good idea.I hope your session goes well!

Rainbow--that's a good point about rereading the post again. I did actually mention that aspect of my maternal transference for her a couple weeks ago. She said it was interesting and very insightful of me!

It's interesting that with her, I seem to be more projecting stuff from my mother on her, like expecting her to respond a certain way and worrying about telling her certain things. Even though she's not like my mother. While with transference for MC, it's like I see him both as a more idealized romantic partner and father figure (as compared to my H and my father). I suspect the reasons for that are based on the differences between my relationships with my mother and father.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Id show it to her, can't think why not. I like bringing in written material, a lot of times that's the only way I can communicate when there's something I really want to talk about but is hard to bring up, embarrassing or whatever.

Thanks, think I'll go for it. I can't remember if I've ever actually given her anything written or not. I've gone in with notes, but just to remind myself of what I want to discuss. I tend to communicate better in writing, so I'm not sure why I haven't tried the note thing with her before!

[Soccer mom]

I have two things I've realized lately that might help you.

The undefinable need. I have maternal transference for my T. I've seen her off and on for 5 years but the transference started after my mom died. My T. wrote me several times "I'm here" while my mom was sick. I balled like a baby because my parents never said that to me. I think that activated the transference. So a year later I've noticed I want to see my T. and miss her but I couldn't decide why. What really do I miss about her? I don't REALLY know her. I don't miss her sense of humor or anything specifically about HER. I miss the connection and attunement I never got as a child. This was posted on another thread of mine. So, I'm not sure I even want to see HER, I want the experience I get when I'm in my session with her. It feels good.

My T. also said I was focusing too much on the transference vs talking about my mom and noticing when the transference would come up. I was focused on HER. I realized after thinking long and hard that it's easier for me to talk about the transference - it feels good to have the connection and attunement. i don't feel it as much when talking about my mom because that's when my T. points out ways I need to think differently. Because, honestly, I would love to think about my T. less. I DON"T want her to be the focus.

I hate that I can't look back at posts to remind me why this was relevant. Anyway, I would tell your T about your feelings. I also recently realized that I cringe about telling my T. my feelings towards her. I finally figured out I want her to validate them and tell me it's ok to feel this way. She said she wouldn't and asked why I need others to tell me how I feel. (this sounds harsh but she wasn't). I kept talking and realized I don't tell others my feelings towards them because they may not want/accept them. What if I'm wrong? So, I'm scared to have feelings towards my T. because what if she doesn't want them. I guess i Never felt my mom wanted them. Or, I would express something that was bothering me and she would take something away. It's hard to push through those old defenses.

[LonesomeTonight]

So I just got back from my appointment. Preview (since this will be long) I'm...yeah, I'm not entirely sure what exactly happened there--more tears and revelations (about both her and MC) than I'd intended during the last 10 min, plus the 10 min she kept me over (which she NEVER does), plus the 5 min where she was trying to photocopy something for me at the receptionist's desk, and I was standing there with tear-stained eyes, when, naturally, MC came out of his office also to photocopy something, and he and I stood there having a mostly nonverbal exchange for a few minutes.

The appt.: I showed T the post partway through, but we ended up talking about a bunch of other stuff on my mind, reserving the end of the appointment to discuss the MC stuff (in retrospect, should have allowed more time--don't think my T realized quite how big this topic was--but we're going to talk about related stuff next week).

Things we ended up discussing: what my "indefinable need" might be in terms of MC. I mentioned a few things that you all said that particularly struck me, including the wanting reassurance that he was still OK with my feelings for him, that I wanted more of a connection with him, that I wanted to share more of what I was feeling, etc. She also suggested (as one of you did) that maybe I wanted to know how he felt about me. I said I knew he couldn't really tell me. She was like, "Do you maybe want to know if you're his favorite patient?" I was like, "He couldn't tell me either, and I'm probably not. I mean, I know he likes me and H, since he's said so." And I mentioned how he seemed very...genuine when he told me it was good to see me at the end of the appointment (vs. less so with my H).

Then, I'm not entirely sure what ended up happening, but it was like my brain censor completely shut off, and in the span of like 1 minute, I confessed that I loved MC, that I felt love for T as well (to which she said "that's very nice"--and she inferred that she couldn't really say anything back), and that it bothered me when she said she hugged some of her patients but never hugged me. She explained the hugging thing by saying it was partly because she knew I had some maternal transference for her, so she didn't want to act too maternal to me because we were working on me handling things on my own. Which I guess makes sense, though it didn't keep me from sobbing during that part. Apparently I have more maternal transference for her than I realized...

Then we were talking about where to go with the MC thing, since I knew session was over. She was asking if I thought it was more that I needed reassurance from him as a potential sexual/romantic partner or in a paternal sense. I said I wasn't sure and had tried to figure that out on here, too. I said I could see it being paternal, but it's kind of confusing because I also still have sexual fantasies about him. But then it's probably easier for my brain to think along those lines, because what's a paternal fantasy? Well, I guess him holding me, which is there too. But him playing with me at the beach? Him pushing me on a swing?

So T suggested that, assuming I was OK waiting till next week (which I am), we discuss more stuff about my father then, since we hadn't discussed him much compared to my mom. I said that made sense, that I'd think about it some more in the meantime. If it's more of a paternal need, then I think H would be much more OK with me, say, having another individual session with MC than if it was a romantic thing (of course, I guess I could always tell H it was paternal). And I think it makes sense for me to figure out more what my need is before asking for time with MC, so I don't just go in there and go..."So I have this need. I don't know what it is, and I don't know how you can help it, but um, yeah, so please magically fill this need, OK?"

We were already almost 10 min over at that point, when T says she wanted to photocopy something for me related to something we'd talked about earlier (on being an introvert). Copier is out by receptionist (who thankfully was on the phone). T is having trouble figuring out how to copy all 4 pages, since the version she had was front and back. So it's taking a while, and I'm just hanging out by the receptionist's desk (still on the office side of the door).

I hear MC's door open, but it's a patient coming out to use the bathroom. Then a minute later, his door opens again, and it's MC in a suit (which I never see him in). He comes up to the desk, smiles and says, "Hey!" to me. I'm sure it's obvious I'd been crying. I tell him that T is trying to copy something for me, but having trouble. He smiles and makes a gesture like I should just run out of there (I think that's what he was gesturing). I joked that we'd actually been out there an hour. I think he's also waiting to use the copier, so we're kind of standing there, just looking at each other, with him smiling at me with a caring look in his eyes. Finally, T is done with the copies and hands them to me, I thank her and say bye, tell MC I'll see him tomorrow, and he quietly says "Take care" in a really kind voice, which I say back. Then, I get the heck outta there!

So, yeah, I don't know what to make of all that. I just feel totally emotionally drained, but also kinda glad it's out there with T. H and I have our appt. with MC tomorrow, but I won't bring anything up then about a possible individual session--figure I'll wait to see T next week to discuss things.

Thanks for reading!