T and I are attracted to each other

Upon the first time meeting with my T, it was obvious that there was a connection between the two of us. We have been having therapy for about a year now and it is going just fine. We have been open to one another about how we feel about each other, but have done a great job so far with not letting it get in the way of the therapy. I am able to separate the urges pretty well. I am a long time veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and dealing with some issues about loud noises and combat stress. I have two college degrees and a high IQ. We have not crossed the line with contact and when it comes time to get down to therapy, I get down to business so to speak. I am well versed in the issues involved between a T and a patient and have done extensive research on the topic. My problem is this, when we first met, the connection was obvious, and regardless of our current situation, we are two adults that are attracted to one another. In any other environment, we would have easily started dating at this point. I am not interested in getting my T in any trouble in any way, and have even talked about what would happen after two years when we did start to date? what would her department head think? It is a shame with all the changes going on around the world with people now such as a black president, more women rights, gay marriage approved by the supreme court now, female priest in church and yet when two people met under this condition, it is still considered taboo. I hope things might change one day to evaluate each case by case basis and give merit where it deserves.

Hi 603783. Its a hard feeling. There's been a bit of discussion on this in this thread.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/roman...therapist.html

Welcome to PC. It's one of the perplexing aspects of therapy that it's supposed to be one sided with the T in control and holding back. The professional associations have come down really hard and convinced state legislatures and licensing boards to treat intimacy as a civil or criminal offense. It's frustrating and paternalistic. Or is it honorable and protective? I dont know but that thread Frack cites had a bunch of us going at it. Watch out for using gay marriage/relationships analogy around here. I did that and got my head bit off

My T and I have a great time during our time together. We have talked in great length about the pros and cons of what could and would happen if we got together and are aware of the outcome of both. We have had some hugs but that is the extent of our physical contact, which we both agree is the right thing since I am still technically still the client for another few weeks. When I am not with my T, my day goes on as usual, I am not obsessed with images of my T, or thoughts of what might be. I am not stalking my T, looking up information about my T on the net or things like that. My T and I do not try to contact each other outside of our sessions either. We are both very responsible about our situation and are trying to make the best of our circumstance. But regardless of that, we seem to both have the determination to see our relationship through after our session ends.

And I'm not sure what a black president has to do with anything either. Linda, Sorry if feel like you got your head "bit off." It just seems to me that we can discuss this issue without comparing it to minority struggles that have an entirely different historical and social context. I fear that comparing client/therapist taboos to the struggles of social subgroups diminishes the struggle of people in those groups. I understand the point, about perceived taboos and society 'rules' but generalizations can be hurtful when made by people outside of those groups.

I think we can talk best about our own experiences without bringing in other group oppressions.

I agree with you as well, but I feel just the same passion when this topic is generalized by social groups for its content. Instead of being based upon its individual merit and foundations. The only reason it was brought up was to bring to light the struggles that people can relate to, not to bring down any other group of people, for which I did not do. I merely mentioned that perhaps it's time to re-visit the issue due to the every changing nature of man and our society. By bringing up the other topics it was to help bring to light the same struggles and impasses that once stood in place for others, and who now have a voice for which I gladly fought for overseas and have paid a price higher than anyone here will ever know. Without bringing in other experiences or oppressions, are we not helping to close the door to our own. Without allowing other experiences to help assist and influence our lives, how are we to choose and make a decision without the history based background and lessons learned? Just thinking out loud I guess.

I find politics wearisome and try to avoid them altogether. Not so easy in such a totally politicized world.

it all has to do with barriers. There seems to be so many loop holes and barriers being put forth in front of us now, more so than when I was younger. Times are changing right in front of me rapidly, and I am a firm believer that perhaps it is time to take a look at things in a more modern way perhaps. There is talk of transference when the T or the client is perhaps attracted to one another, but that happens in nature when two people meet almost anywhere. One opens up talking on a first meeting and the other becomes attracted at the comments and openness from the other. I understand the power issues as well, the T having the position of power over the client per say, but in no way do I feel that in any way from my situation. I have had a strong position in the military, and extensive training in doing some of the very same things as my T does with me. I find myself pulling info from my T at times by accident due to my training and we laugh when we realize it. I stop and we continue. My heavy combat action is what got me to see my T for my PTSD, and my sessions are almost over. I expect that we will act on our feelings after time has run its course. It's just a shame that when two people who truly have feeling for one another fall into this situation, it is forbidden due to the work environment, with no consideration given into the side that perhaps it might actually be real.

I honestly think that even though we live in a modern society, restrictions were put in place for a reasons. In ethical discussions I've had in classes, I've learned that it's likely that regulations in the future may become stricter, not looser - the 2 year rule may become a lifetime rule. That's how much potential for damage there is. I know that I'm not be the most romantic person, but I think love can be found in many, many places and sometimes we need to say no. There will always e opportunity to find it elsewhere. I know a someone who fell in love with her husband's brother and ended up marrying him (after the divorce). They said they you can't deny love, but I just thought to myself, really? Sometimes we have to use self control, put those feelings aside and look elsewhere.

How about the potential for damage done to clients who came in looking for help and instead acquired a new problem of "transference" that they weren't looking for, can't reconcile with either the therapist or themselves, and will probably deal with for a lifetime in spite of all the emotional-growth B.S. sold in the same therapy environment that created the problem in the first place?

If transference is strong and the T does not handle it well, regardless of the nature, then of course people can get hurt. My response wasn't about transference though, I was responding about mutual attraction and a real romantic relationship. Transference is much more complicated and not at all the same thing.

And of course there is always the other side of the fence, two mature adults who happen to meet and instantly have a connection. Only due to ones profession, they would be forbidden to explore or nurture each other. Instead simply due to a meeting in a professional setting, it would be forever a problem for the T and the client even before the first session would begin. What ever happened to the normal side of life, when two individuals would meet, regardless of where, and pursue a relationship to see if it might turn into something more for the both of them. Are we not wired this way? We all have the choice in life to pick our own partners, that is except this one and pretty much only situation, safe guarded by society's rules that were implemented so many years ago to 'protect' the client from harm from the T being able to abuse their power. But what happens when the T and the client are both stable and mature adults who truly have a natural attraction to one another? They are forced to avoid the natural selection process we are wired within, forced to abandon their free choice of partner, forced accept that it is okay to be told 'you can't date them'. So, in reality again, it's because the fear of entering into a relationship under the wrong reasons, under false feelings and under fear that your feelings and the T's feelings are not real, but rather based upon insecurities and perhaps weak mental foundation for which a relationship is to be founded upon. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but most of todays relationships are almost all based with issues related to the above. I have yet to walk across a person in life who didn't have a problem with something going on in their lives. Yet they seem to get along with those who they meet, date and marry. It used to be when you got married the words "till death till you part" were spoken, but perhaps more so than every it should read "till you get tired of one another or want something else" as relationships and marriages are lasting shorter and shorter even without therapy. So is it really so wrong for two adults who truly desire one another to be banned from sharing some time together to find out if they have a chance at being happy? or go along with the norm and accept that others have a say on who you can be happy with? Isn't it time for everyone to be allowed to have a chance at happiness in life without so many limits on who we can and can not share our feelings and love with.

Are you sure it's real connection and not just your projections? Of course your feelings are real, but what is also real is that you can't possibly know everything about other person, especially at first sight. You may have some things in common, which are obvious from the start, but also you may be very different if you look deep enough.

Therapy is not "normal." Therapeutic relationship is unique and has no place in real life. Also, to me it seems you have this need to act on your feelings just because you feel attracted to this person. Can you try just talk about your feelings? Can you accept the fact that some things you can't have, no matter how bad you want them? These are the questions your T should discuss with you first, not how to live your life together. And although you seem to handle this whole situation in a very mature manner, I can't help but perceive it as dependency, just because you see her as "the one."

I don't agree that therapy is the only situation where you're not "allowed" to date someone who could be the love of your life. I think dating the partner or spouse of a sibling or other family member is off limits. The same goes for a very dear friend. Therapy is an unusual relationship and doesn't mimic any relationship in real life. People will do what they want and if that means getting involved with your therapist, so be it and hope for the best. I think the point is there are many times in life when you may come across "the one" but for one reason or another the stars don't align and a relationship isn't feasible. It's not an antiquated rule - it's one that has gotten stricter over the years to address abuses that have come into public eye.

I understand and respect the foundation of the rule put into place to protect those that come into therapy with issues that leave them open to vulnerabilities that would not be productive or conducive in a relationship. But there are a few out there, not many who have the mental fortitude to understand the complex environment, are able to discern between reality and fantasy and can truly see something for what it really is and not something that is a fabrication as a result of therapy or its setting.

If you and your therapist had the instant connection, you should have terminated and gone to another therapist. As soon as you realized it was reciprocal.

Then, ask her out on a date.

Not continue to see her in therapy.

Possibly. You portray yourself as an exceptional individual capable of attaining a relationship that every single book or article about this topic states is very rarely possible.

Mental fortitude, etc.

If that's the case, go for it. There is always the 0.1%.

Best,
Pam

Being that it was in the arena of the military side of life, I am limited in who I can see under my PTSD side of life here. We had discussed the issue of terminating our sessions due to our mutual interest in each other, but it was I who told my T that I was capable of separating our sessions during therapy. I have gone many time with therapy and had no thoughts of her in that way as I concentrate on what it is I am supposed to do. As a result of my many years in the military, I can follow directions well lol. Anyhow, I try to make the most out of our sessions, as they are limited and due to expire soon. Most of them are assisting me with my aversions to loud noises from my combat exposure and I was assigned to a T as a result of recently returning from overseas combat tour that saw a lot of action. I am a little jumpy from loud bangs and I am just getting to relax back at home now around civilians and since the 4th of July was just around the corner, they assigned me some sessions to ensure I am okay. That is how I ended up in my T's office. But, I am also strong enough to acknowledged that if my T really felt that uncomfortable with the situation, I would not pressure it, as I would not want to harm my T's career. I care for my T too much to be that selfish. So, I guess the course of action is to wait the two years, prove myself to the 'board' if needed and see how things go I suppose. I think the time would actually fly by really. I know I would run into my T as a result of visits to get some of my injuries repaired, as I have had a few of them as well with my many tours overseas. I imagine I would take the course of action and smile, say hello and continue on my way so as not to 'contaminant' the time frame.

It's interesting to me that you seem to want to convince someone that maybe the rules shouldn't have to apply to you even though it won't change your situation. Actually nobody can change your situation, so what do you hope to hear? If your feelings are worth it, then wait the 2 years, yah? The rules are there because they need to be, for the majority of the client population who is vulnerable to T abuse. Just because you feel like your situation is an exception doesn't mean the rules shouldn't be there.

So maybe you stumbled onto true love in therapy. If it's true, then you just gotta roll with it. Circumstances happen in love and true love is supposed to be able to outlast them.

I agree 100%. You're going to think whatever you want to think and do whatever you want to do anyways. Why do you need the validation of complete strangers?

The chances of you and your therapist spending happily-ever after together is slim to none. In fact, I would be willing to bet it never happens.

Also, how do you she's the same person out in the real world as she is when you're in her office? For all you know, she could be a hot mess who is really good at doing her jobs within the walls of her office.

I think this "instant attracting" to which you keep referring represents a deeper issue. What that is I have no clue but you definitely need to prepare yourself for the reality that there will be a point down the road where you won't be in each other's lives. Period.