[calibreeze22]

A few days ago, I decided I couldn't deal with it anymore and I emailed T about my feelings towards her. I've been seeing her for about six months, and she's my third actual therapist in about five years. I've been enduring this growing, confusing, and annoying attraction for about two months.

As I expected, current T was perfectly professional and reassuring in her response to my email. She's very good. It almost read like something out of textbook, which I'm fine with. She wrote about my courage in telling her, the importance of talking it through in session next week, and how I don't have to be concerned with her crossing any professional lines and jumping my bones. I wasn't thinking about that last one at all and didn't mention anything close to it in my email, but I was actually disappointed reading that. I know I was being silly in thinking, "What, I'm not good enough to lose your license and life's work over?"

My issue now is that no part of me wants to go back. I'm a runner by nature, but I'm not just embarrassed. I'm seriously thinking I just can't deal with this issue. I'm extremely worried about two things: one, that I might actually like her romantically and this is a real crush, and two, my feelings have intensified exponentially since I confessed. I was expecting the opposite.

How do you tell the difference? What do I do if it's an actual crush? She's helped me more than anyone, and I desperately need my (now stalled) progress to continue. She's already said she can't do my sessions via email or phone, but thinking about going back there makes me feel like throwing up.

[Skeezyks]

Hello calibreeze22: There is a story I've told a few times, here on PC. The Buddhist teacher Rinpoche Chogyam Trungpa told a story about the time when the Dalai Lama & his followers were leaving Tibet for India. Rinpoche Trungpa wrote that there was an old monk who was fond of saying: "Walk toward what scares you..." Rinpoche said the last time he saw him, the old monk was walking toward China..." So, my suggestion to you calibreeze is... walk toward what scares you...

[calibreeze22]

Thanks, Skeezyks. I wish I didn't know your advice is sound.
I really don't see how I'll make it happen, though. It's easy if I know it's transference, but if I actually like her... I'm not in a place where I can deal with that kind of unavoidable rejection.

[thesnowqueen]

Calibreeze22, what constitutes rejection here? Ideally your T should care about your well being and not themselves have an erotic counter-transference...

[calibreeze22]

True. I know I'm not being clear, because it's really not clear in my head. I'm super confident there's no counter-transference. I guess I'm worried about her saying I should find someone else, or maybe that she'll become different in light of my revelation (more closed off, cold, formal... something) and that will keep me from being comfortable talking. I hope I don't actually want anything with or from her outside of therapeutic healing, but if boundaries shift a lot it'll put me on edge.

[thesnowqueen]

Well, the thing with 'transference' or having 'feelings' for ones T means that on one level one DOES want something more. Most of us realise at the same time that that more would ultimately be destructive and not in anyones best interests. I guess most of us think that if our feelings were at least reciprocated (without any boundaries being crossed) it would be the best of both worlds. Perhaps being equally desired is what we want most of all. On a therapeutic level I doubt it would be ideal but that doesn't stop us from wanting it. If T is not experienced and professional enough to accept your feelings and make you feel ok about them then she might not be the right t for you...