[Shattered007]

Hello I'm new to this forum, so I'm not sure if this is right. I have D.I.D and have been in therapy for loooong time. My T is amazing. The problem is I feel very much attracted to him. He has never been untoward or anything but a complete and total professional. I know everyone thinks what I feel is transference. But I can assure its not. Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Can the heart simply want what it wants without all the ramifications? Thanks for any advice. Shattered007

[nicoleflynn]

transference; just a fancy word for....feelings. It is normal to feel attracted/love, etc for someone who cares for you.

[Shattered007]

Thanks. I understand it's really just a "fancy" word for feelings. I just don't understand why two consenting adults are obligated to shut down emotions or what they maybe feeling. I've been in therapy for about 11 years and have made great strides. I just can't shake these feelings for my T. I have pretty much normal relationships outside therapy. Question is should I tell my T and hope for the best? The best being he doesn't look at me like some freak and refer me to someone else. Or do I sit on what I feel and pretend I feel nothing?

[thesnowqueen]

Shattered007 if he is a competent therapist he will not look at you like a freak and refer you elsewhere.

I think therapy is not helpful if one cannot discuss things that feel important and that trying to ignore issues can make them worse.

On the other hand you might be hoping to have an actual romantic relationship with this therapist and I think this is unlikely to be in your best interests. So, its worth discussing it with T but keep in mind that if he is a proper professional and really does have your best interests at heart, he will not take this as an opportunity to initiate a romantic relationship - and that this in fact is a good thing.

If you choose to tell him, it's important you don't expect him to reciprocate. It would be completely unethical for him to do so. So please don't take his lack of reciprocation as rejection, it is simply a sign that he is an ethical therapist.
What do you want from telling him? Is this something you'd like to work through therapeutically? I think you need to take a look at what you would like to happen within the realm of what realistically could happen, and decide whether that is the way you'd like to take your therapy forward.
I don't think it's about "shutting down emotions" so much as valuing the safe and therapeutic space of therapy enough not to risk damaging it by engaging in a dual relationship. (That doesn't just go for romantic relationships - colleague relationships, friendships, business relationships and so on are also unethical dual relationships in therapy).

[Shattered007]

Thank you so much for your advice. You know it's like a part of me gets its wrong and such. But at the same time I really don't understand why. So I guess I will take the leap and just be honest with him. I know it won't ever go any deeper than the therapeutic environment. I just hope he doesn't become uncomfortable with me and refer me to somebody else. Thanks again for the advice.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

If you choose to tell him, it's important you don't expect him to reciprocate. It would be completely unethical for him to do so. So please don't take his lack of reciprocation as rejection, it is simply a sign that he is an ethical therapist.

I think it depends what the T says and how it is delivered. It could end up being a profound rejection, as it was for me. I think it's important to recognize that the client in this situation might feel as though they have been enticed into these feelings, and then advised that such feelings cannot be gratified. A bit like a cruel practical joke.

The feelings are possibly nothing more than what they appear to be, but will possibly be objectified and made into a clinical entity to be studied and deconstructed, which for me was distressing and alienating.

I had real feelings for my T, and also was projecting old longings, given the vaguely maternal role she was playing. She immediately labeled it all transference, probably an attempt to make it go away. Didn't work.

OP: I relate to your predicament and I feel for you.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by Shattered007

Thank you so much for your advice. You know it's like a part of me gets its wrong and such. But at the same time I really don't understand why. So I guess I will take the leap and just be honest with him. I know it won't ever go any deeper than the therapeutic environment. I just hope he doesn't become uncomfortable with me and refer me to somebody else. Thanks again for the advice.

I don't think the feelings or desire is 'wrong'. The therapeutic structure leads to it - almost inevitably - for many many people. The reason a romantic relationship between patient and therapist is wrong has to do with the implicit power structure of the relationship. If you do some searches regarding the outcome of such relationships you will see that they are always devastating for the client. It is tempting to think it will be different in ones own case - but the chances are it won't be. That doesn't make the desire wrong, but it does mean that it would be wrong for T to try satisfy that desire.

[nicoleflynn]

A good therapist will handle ALL of your feelings, and gently talk about it with you. I told my t years ago.....My feelings have stayed the same.....feelings are real (and normal)...not right or wrong.

[Shattered007]

Thanks your advice means a lot. It's also been very helpful. Thank you for not judging me, I'm thinking that maybe I should just tell him. I hope all goes well as I tend to make things more awkward than they need to be. I've just never in my life have I ever felt such a strong desire towards anyone. And knowing it can never go anywhere is heartbreaking to say the least.