On a break

I'm on a one month break from BOTH of my therapist. I feel a thousand times better. I also had a medication increase, so that might have something to do with it as well. But I think it also has to do with me having significantly more money because I'm not spending it all on therapy, and I'm also not spending every waking moment fantasizing about T1. This isn't an entirely accurate representation of the situation, but I feel like I walked away from a guy I've been chasing who's just not that into me. I feel like I have a regular life again.

On the downside, my sexual feelings have been completely shut down. I have absolutely zero desire for it. I don't know if that has to do with the meds or being away from T. It's not great.

Maybe now you have some extra spending money you could look into things that pique your sexual interest.
For me it was noirotica, but you know, horses for courses. Something that fires up your brain. But don't punish yourself if your just not into it at the moment.
A change in meds and emotional situation can massively influence our drives.
Give yourself time. Wishing you all the best.

Eight and a half more days to go. If you don't know me already, here's my story:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/roma...k-you-all.html

Next Friday I'll go back to T1--the one I have the intense ET for. The first two and a half weeks went OK--I felt better overall but my sexual desire tanked overall as well. Yesterday, for reasons I can't put my finger on, everything went back to the way it's been--constant longing for T1 and some actual dread about going back to see him because at least these past three weeks it's been my CHOICE to be away from him--I walked away from him. When I go back to therapy, I'll again feel like he's rejecting me at the end of every session.

I know I have some seriously major paternal transference issues to work through, and I'm wondering if it's even possible to work through these with him or if I should just walk away altogether. He opened up something for me sexually in a way that no one else ever has, which leads me to believe there is something to be gained by continuing therapy with him, but I'm constantly consumed by thoughts about him and not getting to be with him--which I guess is really about never getting to connect with my dad. Ugh. I'm seeing T2 the following week. He is a great therapist but I think I'm going to have to end with him for good because he's so incredibly expensive. He's the one who has the daughter with cancer so I don't feel like I can even broach the subject of sliding scale therapy.

I think it's been good for me to be away for a few weeks and focus on my real life. I also long for T1 desperately. I'm never going to have him. Is there any way this can work out positively for me?

Things have gotten way worse the last few days. Five days left until I see him again. I don't know if I'm feeling this badly because I'm so close to going back or what. It might just be best for me to cut things off with him permanently. Those first couple of weeks without him were such a relief. But as I said before I have ZERO sexual desire now. I wish my life could be something other than this suffering. There are so many good things in my life and I can't enjoy any of them.

How goes it? Did you see him? Did seeing him after a month break change anything for you?