Fired via whatsapp message

Hi everyone and thank you for having me here at your forum. I was directed here by another member who posts regularly in another forum I am a part of, she suggested I might find some advice from you wise ones.
A little background. I am an American woman, nearing 40 who lives overseas. Finding a good therapist with whom you connect is always a trial and error type of even but has been particularly difficult for me due to language barriers. I am nearly fluent in the language here but sometimes have difficulties with certain people's tones of voice, manners of speaking, etc. In any case, long story short, I finally found a great therapist. I had never seen a male therapist before as I prefer women for all of my medical needs but he was so good and we made so much progress together. It has been one year exactly since I have been seeing him. Several months ago I openly and honestly spoke of my feelings of transference for him. He said that he knew of these feelings, could sense them at it was not an issue if I didn't feel it was. The feelings have only gotten stronger and are hard for me to control but I have always behaved myself in session, aside from the odd joke here or there- which he has accepted and even engaged in. I have in the past messed him random things- photos I find funny or a questions having nothing to dow with our care and he has always responded, sometimes jokingly. He never sends me messages "out of the blue" but always responds if I do. I even brought it up, apologising for it, saying I know it wasn't respectful or professional but he assured me he didn't mind. At Christmas I gave him a gift of two books, meaningful in that they were hard to find, translations in both our languages of an artist we both admire. He did not open the gift in front of me but did open the card and cried while reading it. The card was not sexual nor romantic, just a heartfelt thanks for the help he has provided me. I am not sure if his tears were fake or if he was really moved.
In any case, to cut to the chase here, two weekends ago I called him asking if we could move up our appointment as I was feeling very down, unlike me. I don't suffer great episodes of depression, so I wanted to get a hold on this right away. (we see each other about every 2 weeks). He said he didn't have any openings. Ok. The following day I messaged him and said "look, I am really worried about how I feel in the meantime can you suggest something for my medications?" (he is a psychiatrist who also prescribes my medications). He read my message but didn't respond. This is where I became very immature and bratty and started sending messages like "are you really going to ignore me? please help me! I don't know what to do!" he then finally responded via whatsapp message that I should find a new doctor. The end. At that point I went into crisis (started drinking, I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been doing well thanks to him and a number of other supports) and really started behaving inappropriately. I sent a barrage of messages saying that he couldn't just leave me without one last session for closure, even if the issues of transference/dependence were getting in th way. I asked him what to do about my medications he replied "ask your new doctor" WHAT NEW DOCTOR?! How was I supposed to find a new doctor? On the internet? Who do I trust? A day later he sent a message with the name of a different doctor. He wrote that he had explained the situation and I could call her "after Thursday" (this was Monday, not sure fi that was some strange test) followed my "please do not write me again, I will not respond" and that is it.

I am crushed beyond belief over this. I had always been honest and open with him. I never tried to touch him, manipulate him, come on to him..... I just do not for the life of me how he could be the one person I trusted most in my life, diagnosis me with "severe abandonment issues" and then just leave me at the turn of a hat.

Does anyone have any insight? Anything? Some words of comfort?

im sorry. that sounds really painful and confusing.

from what you wrote it seems to me that something was going on inside him that made him uncomfortable enough to drop you like that. that is NOT an excuse for what he did, though.

I'm sorry smlmd, that sounds awful. This kind of sudden loss would be hard for anyone, but especially if you do have abandonment issues. I wish he had handled this differently... you have no closure or explanation this way. This has happened to other people on the forum and it's incredibly painful, I'm very sorry. It takes time, but you will get through this as others have.

I don't necessarily think the transference was why he was uncomfortable; if you had never been confrontational with him before, it might be that he's not good at dealing with that. It may be that he liked your admiration but has no tolerance when clients become frustrated or angry at him. If that's the case, that is a failing on his part, because the anger itself can be a kind of negative transference and could have been useful to discuss.

Are you planning to call the doctor he referred you to? I would be hesitant, because he says he has "explained the situation," and who knows what that means? You might be better off finding someone on your own. I know that's really hard to do. Could you make a goal of calling one possible doctor per day for several days? Here we have Psychology Today pages for therapists, is there perhaps something like that there? Or the equivalent of a Yelp page for doctors?

In the meantime try to cut yourself slack wherever you can and take it easy, give yourself time to grieve. This is not your fault, your emotions should be able to be dealt with in therapy, whatever they are, and it doesn't sound as if you were threatening him, it just sounds as if you were desperate. And you had a history of out of session contact, so of course you turned to that when things were feeling dire. You may have been "immature and bratty" but to me that sounds like some younger part of you was in control, which... again, could be useful therapeutic material, but apparently this guy couldn't or didn't know how to deal with it.

Keep posting here if it helps you to write it out!

The thought of this happening to me is terrifying, and I'm so sorry it happened to you. My initial thought (after the fear subsided), was that for me, seeing another therapist to help process the loss and feelings that accompany such a loss, would be necessary. That being said, I've also had the thought that I will NEVER put myself through this again, and unless I see a female and develop a different sort of therapeutic relationship (which I honestly have no interest in - which is really unfortunate), I worry about the deeply felt transference/feelings happening again.

Sorry I don't have anything more helpful to offer. I feel like it was really cruel of your T to drop you like that. No one deserves that, unless they've been physically aggressive. I hope you can move through this and be better on the other side of it.

from what I have read, it looks to me like your shrink made some mistakes
you flirted, was honest about your feelings, and he responded poorly.

presents for holidays to or from T's and shrinks never sat right with me, but................ on occasion I have given "things" I thought might be appreciated. his receptionist has also benefited on occasion.

ending your therapeutic/professional? relationship was a wise idea for him, but
he did not handle it well at all.
even if he thought your feelings for him were beyond his expertise, he could and should have dealt with it in a better way.

after reading this I was reminded of another reason I felt the need to respond.

"explained the situation" ????????????????
in my country this would be highly illegal unless okay'd by YOU.

I would ask him to explain what "explained the situation" means. Did he "explain the situation" to you????????????????
I would also think about calling the new Dr. and asking him/her to "explain the situation"

I agree with emwell. The way this therapist acts is rather unprofessional, whatever the location. I personally would not want to have another doctor recommended by him.