Trying to get out

It definitely HAS occurred repeatedly. I do a terrible job protecting myself from people who don't give a flying **** about me. I trust untrustworthy people over and over and over again. It's from my mom. She taught me to "be nice" over everything else--that there's nothing more important than being a nice person. She taught me "let everyone else go first. No one likes a pushy person." She taught me that standing up for myself was selfish and to just let people do whatever they wanted and don't fight back.

Now I'm afraid I shouldn't even trust T2 because wtf am I doing trusting another therapist again? I clearly have no good sense of when I'm in danger or how to protect myself. I've told T2 I need to talk about this tonight and that I'm now freaked out by him as well.

Saw T2 tonight. He knows T1 professionally and says he honestly has no idea what the ****ing guy is doing but he doesn't like it. He said "no way are you going to that appointment on Friday. You're not going."

I know it may sound infantalizing, but I think part of me is stuck in such a childlike state that it was an enormous relief for someone to tell me what to do. I told him "but...I could go and express my anger towards him and work through that." He said "Not on Friday. Not this Friday." I told him I had already made the appointment and it's too late to cancel because I still have to pay, and then offered to knock the missed appointment fee off of his own fee just to not see me go because he said it would be unkind of him to let me go see this person who's torturing me. He said "Friday is a no."

I really needed someone to speak to the child in me. I am currently too disorganized and off balance to help her. I needed someone else who I respect to tell me "No."

He says T1 is just a fantasy of someone in my life I never got to meet, which is very sad.

But no on Friday.

I think I'm not even going to let T1 know. I think I'm going to just not show up and put a check for the missed appointment fee in the mail.

Thank goodness someone heard you. I am so relieved, u managed to keep this T for now. He at least seems to know how out of hand things are.
I like he offered to knock the cancellation fee off his own fee. It shows genuine concern for your well being.
I also think it makes utter sense that you need someone to say no. You want someone to make you feel worthwhile, this T is saying, you are important, your worth protecting.
I am just so very glad you are able to talk to at least one person with your interests at heart.
Take care Ro, please follow this T's advice. Stay home on Friday.

Waking up this morning I can already feel my child self fighting because she wants to go tomorrow. I am not going to go but it will definitely be a battle. I'm trying to comfort myself by imagining how surprised T1 will be when I don't show up. I have never ever missed a single appointment in 3.5 years. It may be immature but honestly I hope the thought crosses his mind that I may have actually gone ahead and blown my brains out over this nightmare as I've told him I've been considering many times.

I'm just literally thinking--I KNOW I could get a crumb of affection from him tomorrow--I just know it. I could get my crumb! It's been 9 days since I've seen him. I want a crumb BAD.

You can do it, Ramona! You are strong!

I'm thinking of you, Ramona. It's taken me a long time to learn to make good decisions for myself. My Pdoc that went to federal prison....I wanted (want) to write him in prison. He's charismatic, entertaining, and weirdly I feel sorry for him. But I know it's not a good decision for either of us. So i won't.

Please make a good decision for yourself today, Ramona.

I agree, stay strong and don't go. When do you see T2 again? And does he allow out of session contact? Just thinking if you're having second thoughts tomorrow, you could contact T2, and he could help convince you to stay away. Hugs...

T2 says I can email him or call whenever I need to. I prefer email so sometimes I email him a couple times a day. He even said if I didn't know what to do during my session with T1 tomorrow I could go to his (T2's) office suite and hang out in one of the meditation rooms with my baby. He said his trauma patients do that sometimes when they have an anniversary of something tough that's happened to them or just need a space where they feel safe.

Luckily(?) my babysitter is sick and can't come tomorrow so that means I really can't go. I've had a LOT of suicidal thoughts today. I drove around for an hour crying and listening to Adele. It's not great. I feel like I'm going to have to tell my husband what's happened pretty soon because I can't stand being around him and lying anymore. I think about suicide A LOT. I'm afraid this may be the beginning of the end of my marriage.

Just wrote out the check for the missed appointment fee for tomorrow and put it in the mailbox on the corner. He won't get it until Monday at least. Hopefully he'll think I'm dead.

Hey, hang in there. Please. It gets better.

So depressed about today already. So depressed about spending the weekend with my husband lying day and night about what's going on with me. It's so ****ing hard to keep going. I am very depressed about my life.

That's awesome that your T2 said you can come hang out in the meditation room (and I love the idea of those--wish my T/MC had those, as it would be preferable to sitting in my car in the parking lot for a bit after appointments if I'm upset).

As for your H, don't tell him yet. Hopefully you'll start feeling better once you really get away from T1. Have you told T2 about the suicidal thoughts? If not, you need to. Hang in there...

Is it really going to get better? I don't know how long I can go on like this. There are NO breaks in the pain.

T2 knows about the suicidal thoughts.

Yes. I am speaking from experience

this is why a therapist should NEVER cross these lines.

the damage to the client is so bad

im here , and im reading, and im supporting you. i do know how painful this all is. and especially confusing. keep posting, keep reaching out, keep talking to T2

I have been sobbing all morning. I drank WAY too much last night and feel sick. I've been frantically emailing possible back up babysitters so I can possibly still go. No one is available.

Don't do that to yourself. Do not go. If you need to be talked down from this, contact your other therapist about what you are experiencing.

I didn't go. There is an email from T1 about the missed appointment asking if I'm OK. I'm not responding right now. There is also an email from T2 checking on me. He says the secret from my husband is really making me sick so I may want to just start the conversation that by saying "My relationship with T1 is unhealthy and not good for me." T2 also recommends we go see a couples therapist.

I binge drank last night and feel ****ing terrible. I feel overwhelmed and sad and exhausted and hungover. I hope things get better some day soon.

Well done for not going.

That's very strong of you not to go. And to not immediately respond to T1's e-mail. How are you feeling now? Hugs...

I still haven't responded to him. I'm glad I didn't go but I also don't want it to be over. He sent me a second message to check in at the end of the day:

"Hi, it's the end of the day and I haven't heard back from you regarding the missed session today so I just tried calling you to see if everything is okay. Your voice mail box is full and I couldn't leave a message. If you could send me an email or call to check in that would be appreciated."

I guess he's worried now. He should be. I have come close to hurting myself SO many times over this situation. I seriously don't feel like even writing him back. Was going to compose an email right now and let him know that "everything is most certainly NOT OK." I don't want it to be over with him. I want to go back to when things were OK before he started looking a me like a ****ing leper.

This is what I've composed to write him. When I refer to "Will"--that's T2.

Hi T1-

I didn’t kill myself if that’s what you’re asking, but “everything” is definitely not “OK.”
I didn’t come to the session yesterday because everyone in my life who knows about what’s going on with you literally begged me not to go, including Will. When I saw Will Wednesday and told him it was too late to cancel the Friday appointment I’d made with you because I would have to pay for it anyway, he actually offered to knock the cancellation fee I’d be paying you off of his OWN fee if it would help prevent me from seeing you. He says that going to sessions with you is “like drinking poison and expecting to feel better.” I had three different friends texting me daily saying “remember not to go see that ****ing creep on Friday.” One of my grad school friends who is a therapist now says you are doing “so much damage” to my psyche. I’m on a message board for people with depression and shared my story there and 8 people have messaged me saying that what goes on when I’m in the office with you is “horrible,” “damaging,” “abusive,” “disturbing,” and “cruel.”
I have defended you to every single one of these people, telling them that I just must be explaining what happened completely wrong. That you’ve done nothing wrong. That it’s all just me being needy and damaged from my childhood and misunderstanding things and it’s ALL my fault.
They all disagree.
I don’t want to stop seeing you. I want to see you every week, twice a week, forever. You’ve given me something I’ve been unable to get from anyone else in my life—this sexual awakening, but it has come at such a hideous cost—financially and emotionally and mentally and spiritually. You told me I could trust you with my heart and that you would never lie to me and you would hold my heart tenderly in your hands and then you tossed it in a ****ing shredder. I don’t know how I will ever trust ANYONE ever again because of this experience with you.
I still don’t want it to be over. I spent most of yesterday crying and nursing a horrific hangover that came from drinking myself sick Thursday night over the prospect of not seeing you in the morning. At the last minute yesterday morning I still frantically tried to find a last minute babysitter so I could come see you, but none were available.
I trusted you with something so delicate and precious, and then you told me things that lit me up in ways I’ve never been lit up before, and then when I told you how much that exhilarated me, you started treating me like a ****ing leper. You have recreated my junior high school rejection traumas with terrifying accuracy.
I’m not sure what I want to do next yet. Everyone I’ve asked for advice on this has said I should never, EVER step back in your office again. I told Will I don’t want things to end this way with you and he asked me to think about how I’d like them to end.
I would like them to end truthfully and honestly and for you to speak to me with compassion and respect again and not look at me with absolute terror. You have made your own feelings about this situation more important than mine. Now, when I go into the office, you sit there like a brick wall and just want me to figure it all out for myself when you used to be kind and compassionate. I don’t need a brick wall. Brick walls are available to talk to all over the city, for free.
I’m not sure what I want to do next yet. I’ll let you know if I’ll be able to make it to the next appointment.
I put a check for the missed appointment fee in the mail to you yesterday. It should be at your office today.

I'm glad to hear that you are sticking with it! I would maybe write and tell him what things upset you in his behavior and that you think he handled you unprofessionally and was selfish. You might regret that you did not express it later. I would not go back though... you mentioned a few times that the therapy with him was not really helpful and you kept going to feed the arousal triggered by him.

ETA: Oh, just saw your second post... I would ask myself what therapeutic value you expect to get out of this relationship at this point?

Thanks for replying. Do you have any feedback on the message I was going to send him above? I know this is all up to me to figure this out and make the decisions so I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but I am looking for feedback.

I think the therapeutic value I'm just thinking of is the sexual arousal I've been able to connect to with him that I've never been able to connect to before.