Trying to get out

I don't understand this line. I understand the part about inconsistency, but not the second part "which developed into an intensity...."

"Initially the person that had become an abuser was inconsistent in approach, which developed into an intensity perhaps not matched in other relationships of the victim."

Can anyone with a clear head explain this for me?

Ramona, you can build connection with your H.

Little things like him trying to make eye contact bit by bit. I've problems making eye contact with my SO but slowly made better and better eye contact. He can work with his T and you on this and it'll possibly also build the connection between you and him.

Couples therapy will help but in the meantime you can also look up blogs on Gottman Couples Therapy on building connection between the couple.

Connection with your H might really help.

Do you still have sexual fantasies about him?

Because the abuser is not consistent, your brain gets wired to dump a LOT of feel good chemicals in your brain when they give you crumbs.

Think of a starving person unable to get consistent food. You'll gorge on what little unpredictable food you can get.

Then after the high from the crumbs (which isn't truly hunger sating wears off), you crash and go into withdrawal needing your fix again. It makes intense highs and lows.

I'm like that with my sister and I'm obsessive over her for more than ten years.

Please try to cut T1 off. You will feel absolutely terrible but this cannot continue. You're being harmed.

Constantly. All day long. I can barely focus on anything else.

Well, that is interesting in a sense that you desire someone who has affected you so negatively and caused so much pain while (if I recall correctly) you don't have much for your husband who is kind and affectionate. I was just thinking, this is perhaps something you could potentially explore in more depth? With T2 and/or your husband.

Yes. There is clearly a giant red flag here. I would give up absolutely everything in my life except for my baby to be with T1 sexually. He's a relatively handsome guy, but he's by no means a hunk. He's 50 and a little dorky but handsome in a suit and I love him. But I'm smarter than he is and he doesn't understand me at all--I just have this insane sexual attraction to him. Everyone keeps telling me my behavior around this is very "young," which makes totally sense because I feel like I've been stuck in my early teen years since I met him. I spent most of my teen years miserable, but when I got past my depression around 22/23, I remember wishing I could tell my younger self: "it's all going to work out fine--like really great! And my life was really happy for like 12 years, and then the breakdown, and then T1. And I'm totally sidetracked and avoiding my life because of it.

It is so tiresome. The whole thing is so weird. And my husband knows it's weird. I told him I was going to fire T1 this week and then told him I didn't do it. He gave a sigh but didn't press me on it.

It's all so messy. And T1 is like "maybe this is exactly where the therapy is supposed to be..." I know in my heart he's a total tool but I desperately fantasize about him and want this sick **** to go on and on. I could totally stop it! I just have to call and say I'm not coming back, and then I'll melt down for a little while and then it'll be better for me. I know that it's true, but I'm afraid to take the leap.

I spend a LOT of time thinking about what I should wear to the next session that might turn him on and get him to say he wants me again.

Sometimes we remain drawn to and attracted to unsafe people because it mirrors earlier relationships we've had with attachment figures.

You can work on that with t2 or a female therapist, but NOT with t1 who is involved with all of this. He's unable to be objective and your therapy ended ages ago when he decided to use you to meet his needs.

If there was a way to cancel everything with T1 for you, block all communication channels to him, and physically stopping you from going to see him...

But there isn't. You have our support as you struggle to make the choices you need to make. It isn't just one big choice, but also lots of smaller ones regarding walking away from this harmful relationship.

I've stayed in harmful relationships, not judging you here. Trauma bonds are hard to break. Many return over and over again.

May you find the inner resources to leave him and not return.

Seeing both T1 AND T2 on Wednesday. Absolutely ridiculous. I am SO ****ING DEPRESSED about my life. I'm afraid that once I get rid of T1 it'll push me over the edge. I'd love to believe it'll actually be the thing that lifts this neverending weight off of me, but I am SO ****ING AFRAID.

I'm sorry I don't know all that is going on -- did you take on t2 initially because of the t1 situation or for other reasons?

I agree, you are right, that it's a red flag knowing you would give everything up except your child to be with T1. Just to cover all bases- has your family doctor checked out your physical health. lately....your heart, your hormones, your thyroid, etc.?

I had symptoms for years that everyone thought was severe depression, anxiety and "adult onset asthma." Well, I moved to a new state and my new doctors found out I also had heart failure. I wasn't on the right meds, in fact, I was on some wrong ones. Plus, I had a GYN issue that was undiagnosed.

It's just an idea. You might have already thought of it.

I took on T2 because after 2.5 years with T1 I was still having panic attacks all day long and not sleeping. My psychiatrist recommended T2 because he felt T1 was dropping the ball. I took on T2 (who is a training colleague of T1) and then told T1 about it a couple months later. T1 didn't have a problem with it. Then after months seeing BOTH of them, I was suicidal over T1 and told him I had no one else to talk to about the situation. He suggested telling T2, friends, and even my husband. T1 seemed to have no awareness that everyone I told would tell me to run like hell from him immediately, including T2.

T1 encouraged me to talk to others about it as if I had been rejected by a man I had feelings for. Then everyone I talked to about it immediately said: "You're being abused by your therapist. Never, ever go back there again, and you should report him to the board." T2 actually didn't say report him to the board, but he said that seeing him is like poison, and everyone else said report him to the board.

T1 and T2 know each other and have for a few years. It's AWKWARD.

I WISH it was a physical issue. Sadly, I've had all of that checked--hormones, thyroid, etc. This is all got set off four years ago from that job rejection. I have these horror sobbing episodes in the morning. Then I messed around with different meds for years, none of which worked. Then I got off them all to get pregnant. Then I went back on Zoloft WHILE pregnant and I'm still on that. It's helped a LITTLE but not really. I'm just deeply, deeply depressed. Now I'm on a bunch of sleeping pills as well. My obsession with T1 rules my life.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like a ****ing crazy person!!!!

You're in some strange triangle there with your two T's

I know attachment is rough, but it should not be this rough. It's not healthy... would you ever consider seeing someone not involved in this situation?

Or perhaps taking a break from therapy altogether? Like a month or something? Just because it sounds like issues around therapy and the therapists have really invaded and sort of monopolized your life and your every day... I don't think it's good even if therapy goes very well. Maybe a bit of distance could help find new perspective?

I took a month off in January. I felt EXPONENTIALLY BETTER but had NO sexual desire whatsoever. This is where I'm stuck.

Is the sexual desire because this man is Older than you and a caregiving figure to you? Or is it bc the whole idea of f-ing ur therapist is just so taboo and naughty? Or both

Both! I've always been "good." And he kept reading me that Mary Oliver love poem "You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves...." He REALLY ****ing got me in the sweet spot!

I really should fire T1 and take a month off of T2 and see if I even want to go back. I guess never having good sex again is better than constantly wanting to blow your brains out.

You're in the thick of this right now. I don't really know how to help. I want you to know that I have felt the same, I suffered , I had the big black void...and I'm still here.. there is a life beyond these relationships

How long did it take before you starting feeling better?

Yes! I'm in a total ****ed up triangle! I guess I really need to lose them both, take some time off and go elsewhere if I want more help. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I am going to be posting on here even MORE than normal.

Got it! Thanks!

Talking about the situation can be both helpful and counterproductive, I've found. It's good you are talking about things. However, talking alone doesn't help you to make changes in this situation and it has a huge potential to keep you stuck in the futile cycle of confusion and self-loathing even more. Changes can come slow, I know, and that's ok as long as you are trying to make them. Does your t2 offer you any suggestions on how to work to leave t1? Does he suggest you try to change your thoughts to gear them towards you and your needs instead of t1? Anything at all besides just talking?

I do hope t2 is trying to empower you to leave t1. If he is not making any suggestions for change, I'd highly consider discussing that with him to see if he can help you with that. If he can't, go find someone who can. You need support and guidance to get out of this. I've found there is no better support than working with someone who has been there, done that themselves, or has successfully helped someone through this before. Support groups (for me it's Al Anon) give that and it's kind of like free therapy. I'll get off my soapbox now. Just hope you are getting the help you need. Remember the best thing you can do for yourself is to be kind. Allow yourself the compassion, understanding, and patience you deserve but do not remain still. Baby steps are awesome and work great -- as long as you take them.

I appreciate this so much. It is so kind. Thank you.