Trying to get out

You have all the other email invites you sent out to your contact list to prove this was a simple mistake. I'm no lawyer, but, I'd wager a huge bet this will not affect your case in the least. Hope you can try to rest easy and that you get your sleeping pills today.

Contacting him again isn't going to impact your case(s) negatively at all- mistakenly or otherwise.

Got a message my sleeping pill prescription is ready. Can't wait for this day to be over. It has been a nasty one. I do not like it.

I hope you got some sleep

Got some sleep, but woke up today feeling like such a failure. What have I done with my life? Feeling incredibly low.

Your automated email to him won't affect anything

During the investigation into my former T I went online and read 2 news articles that were written about him and the situation... Just saying his license was suspended and why. I was not identified. Just referred to as patient x.. I read the comments and got so upset at the things his cronies were saying about me... When they didn't even KNOW ME OR THE SITUATION. I made an account and said I am "patient x" and chewed them all out.

It did not affect anything but I did tell them that I had done that and I was advised to refrain from future Internet stuff regarding the situation

I guess my former T read my comments because at the lawsuit mediation they made me sign a contract that was basically a gag order and it explicitly stated that I cannot talk about it online

Obviously i do but I will never say his name on here

Saw T2 again tonight. Haven't moved on to T3 yet. I think part of me feels weird cutting ties with T2 when I'm about to report T1 and possibly take legal action.

I talked to T2 tonight about how weird it was for me when he first told me T1 offered to come to one of our sessions and explain himself--and how angry I got at that, and how incredibly disappointed I was the next time I saw T2 and he said that T1 hadn't followed up on his offer at all or inquired about my response.

We started talking more about their interaction and I expressed to T2 that I'm afraid of how angry T1 will be with me when I finally do report. T2 expressed that I'm not responsible for T1's anger and that T1 is just an angry person in his perception.

He also shared that when he called T1 out on his behavior and said that he (T2) would back me if I decided to report him and said that T1 said to him: "I thought you were a stand up guy."

As in: "I thought you were the kind of bro who would have my back when I got super creepy and inappropriate with a client to an extent that almost led her to blow her brains out."

I sure did create a very different image of T1 than the person he actually is. What a ****ing dirtbag. I had NO idea.

It is STILL so ****ING hard for me to believe he was just using me, as he probably has with many others before me. It is SO hard for me to wrap my mind around it--even with all of the evidence--so tough. Part of me just doesn't want to believe it, ever.

I get this
I so get this
Did you see the post I made with the articles about narcissists?
You may find those helpful...

Mornings are so hard still. I wake up longing for him and feeling so sexually deadened. I wonder if I'll ever feel sexually alive again. I'm not sure that I ever will. I wonder if I'll ever have a day that I don't long to call him and feel those surges of excitement he made me feel again. It meant SO much to me--those times he made me feel so excited and alive. There is a dullness and a deadening without him.

I just looked up the post and looked at some of the articles. It sure does seem familiar. The sick thing is I can't help feeling disappointed that I'll never feel that euphoria again. My husband and I were just talking last night about how horrible things were when I was in the thick of this and he had no idea what was going on. We were both suffering horrifically.

Yet still, this morning I woke up wanting to see T1 one last time--like I need that rush to feel alive again and nothing and no one else will do. I miss him.

Reeeally suggest this one on how we "become the suffering:"
Breaking Our Narc Addiction: The Truth About Suffering

and this one on giving up the need for closure:
Narcissist Abuse & Giving Up Our Need for Closure

Low as **** again today. A friend that I told about the T1 situation told a mutual friend who I saw today, who said in regards to my entire situation: "Why did you let him do that to you? You're gross." I feel like a real piece of garbage.

I don't know if this lawyer I'm seeing on Tuesday can do a ****ing thing for me. He could be as much of a jerk as T1. I am SO tired and beaten down.

I'm in a miserable dead end job, a miserable place to live, I've spent the last 3.5 years being mind raped by a therapist who I thought I was in love with, I have a lot of REALLY ****** friends, my family is nuts, and my novel which I spent the last 7 months rewriting got rejected by yet another agent today. I just want to give up on life.

I can't orgasm anymore. I'm afraid that I never will again. I feel like I need to see him again, just so I can feel that release. I'm afraid that my pleasure is lost forever.

Your "friend" is a c*nt

I seem to have quite a few of those.

I've worked really hard over the past year to be more social and less isolated, and it seems that most of the people I've surrounded myself with continue to not be good for me. It's pretty discouraging.

And I still miss T1--especially in the mornings. I wake up forgetting the resolve I had the night before to "take him down" and wake up thinking "how can anyone think there was anything wrong or bad about this special connection between us, and HOW HOW HOW can I ever get it back?"

Today is ****ing AWFUL--as bad as things were when I was still seeing T1. I am so unhappy in my life. It's no wonder I was desperate to escape into a fantasy with T1--anything to get away from my real life. Today, all I can think is that I only have 18.5 months to go until I could legally have a sexual relationship with him and he wouldn't get in trouble. Today I'm thinking it's best if I just hold out for that, so I have something to keep me going. Otherwise, it's hard to see the point in keeping going.

One important thing I have learned on really depressing days like this is to not reach out to anyone about it outside of this board. No one wants to hear it. Any requests for help are either ignored or responded to with anger. I've been depressed for so long no one has any interest in hearing about it anymore. I've learned to just cut myself off--close myself in the bedroom and be alone. It's the best solution and I'm relieved that I know that now, instead of sending out cries for help into the void.

What do you have in your life that has nothing to do with sex? What interests? And, if none, what is something you could maybe start exploring?

One of the things I've realized in the last week is that I don't even know who I am apart from my ex-therapist anymore. I had to dig deep to find interests that were not connected to him.

The truth is -- you (like me) had a life before T1. What did you do with your time and brain space then?

I need to get a real job. I taught one summer camp class last month and felt a lot better about myself. One week back to stay at home motherhood and I'm so ****ing dark again.

Thought about T1 ALL day. I keep thinking that I've gotten away from him and then he comes back stronger than ever.

Do you have any local mom friends?

I'm a mom too (my daughter is 14 months old), and I reached out just on a Facebook page of moms in my county and was like "YO...I need friends to drink wine with on the porch!" It turns out -- so does every single mom in existence.

Expanding my world beyond S (ex-T) is the only thing keeping up my will to live. I would definitely suggest looking on Facebook and meetup.com to see if you can find any local moms to just...idk...drink wine with.

I have a mommy group. The woman who runs it is the one who told me I'm gross for letting T1 do that to me.

I have learned over time not to talk about my experiences with friends, family, etc. One "friend" said she thought I must be possessed. An elder aunt asked, "Honey, did he tie you down?" They don't understand and I can't explain it well.

I don't mention it to medical professionals, anymore, either. (Other than T and PrevT).
If I need a GYN exam or something, I say "I'm a survivor of abuse" if I need to. That's it.

Yeah, I need to not talk to people about it. I didn't actually tell that person who said I'm gross about it. A mutual friend that I told told her the whole story without my permission. It's hard because I'm lonely but seem to pick really terrible friends. I have SO many awful ones. I made a huge effort to reach out to people over the last year because I was feeling so isolated and I thought it was helping but I realize now that I trust people way too easily and always expect the best from people which is unwise and a lesson I just can't seem to learn.

I'm flying out to see the lawyer tomorrow.

Gary Schoener, PhD. Was on Oprah talking about this years ago and there were many negative comments and victim blaming. When asked why he thought he was getting negative comments, he said something like, people don't want to believe it can happen to them....

Glad your attorney appointment is here at last! Now things will get moving for you....

Are you in touch with T3, or TELL...? I hope you find healthier support.