Trying to get out

Not that I want you to be in more pain but Many times therapists/doctors act out like this and their colleuges know about but it doesn't get reported- Can you ask T2 if he has heard of Eric doing anything like this before? He may deny it or cite some kind of "confidentiality. But isn't it worth a question?

I wish my T had turned me down. Instead he drugged, raped, beat me, shared me with his friends and family, and sold me to complete strangers.

I'm sorry this happened to you, too. I'm also a survivor. May I ask how long ago the abuses occurred?

So, T2 consulted with that other therapist who said that Eric had REALLY screwed up a patient over a billing thing (I think I mentioned it earlier in this thread a couple times), but said there was no mention of sexual misbehavior--at least not with this specific consulting therapist.

My old psychiatrist, who Eric referred me to, repeatedly told me to stop going to him and told me to go to T2, and I don't know if I'm reading anything into it or not but he would sort of give me this intense LOOK like...MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST SEE T2....IT SEEMS LIKE ERIC ISN'T HELPING....MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP SEEING HIM AND JUST SEE T2...Like,...he kept SAYING it in a way that made me think he was trying to tell me something but I could just be making it up.

A friend of mine who's also a therapist who has been helping me through this says the fact that he doesn't have any complaints on his official record doesn't mean there haven't been any--just that there haven't been any that were officially on the record--that there could be a huge stack of complaints in his file of other women he's walked this line with, but never actually had sexual contact with. She's REALLY pushing me to report, saying that if there are other complaints like that, one more might actually push the board over the edge to actually investigate. Or, if there aren't, that if I make a report now, it might push them to investigate with the next one.

T2 REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLY wants me to report him. Bad.

I think if I found out this was something he had done repeatedly it would be SOOOOOOOOOO much easier for me. The anger would fall right into place and I would report the **** out of him. I would feel like I had power then. He was careful in his emails, but not careful enough. I think I have enough on him to bust him.

I'll ask T2 more directly about whether he has any knowledge of sexual misconduct on Eric's part tomorrow. I think if I asked him, he'd find a way to tell me even if he couldn't say it outright.

I started seeing this therapist, Eric, 3.5 years ago. A couple months after I started, he touched the back of my hand which set off this intense sexual reaction in me, and did a couple other things that made me feel really "special" and that's when I got hooked. But I didn't tell him about the reaction or my feelings for him for 2 years, even though I was having massive panic attacks and depression about him all day every day. I told him about it a year ago, and for a couple months he said nothing, then things started getting weird. It was about 9 months of creepy, I guess, but 3.5 years of misery overall. I don't know if he was being creepy before that or not. I don't know if he meant to touch the back of my hand or not. I don't know if he knew about how I felt about him before or not. He may have been manipulating me from the beginning. It's very unclear to me. I honestly didn't think he'd done anything wrong until I started talking about it here.

So sorry this happened to you as well. There was no actual sexual contact between me and him. There was handholding and a lot of inappropriate things said.

Jesus Christ. How did you get away? Is he in jail?

I havent got away and its still ongoing. Not the drugging and the raping thank goodness, but him and his friends are still breaking into my home regularly and stealing stuff. Hes still spying on me all the time, and they're going all out to continue discrediting me. Hes constantly trying to make out I have severe MH issues like hearing voices, being psychotic, or having DID. Non of that is true. Sure I have massive issues with anxiety and PTSD / flashbacks but I have never ever heard voices, I have never had DID, I have never had psychosis. But hes going all out to discredit me so much worse than I am - I guess so when it goes to court no one will believe me. Take this week for instance - I've got a crappy virus that has really knocked me out. He's trying to get everyone to believe that I've been doing drugs and this is me going through withdrawal. Its utter crap - I will do whatever it takes to get them put in jail for the sentences they deserve, and I'm not going to discredit myself more than he has already by taking drugs.

Well, I'm feeling the anger pretty hard today, but not towards T1--just angry at myself and my life and the mess I've made of it.

I really do miss the guy. Seeing T2 tonight. Hoping he can shake some sense into me.

Saw T2 last night. It did bring me some relief. I'm going to see him next week as well. I may ultimately end up going to T3 but she is SO far away from where I live it's going to take a lot of organizing.

He said he's been trying to get Eric on the phone to talk about my case and that Eric is avoiding him like the plague, saying things like: "I have 10 minutes available on Thursday at 2 and that's the only time I have this week," and so on.

I told T2 how desperately I've been wanting to contact T1 to see if he'll take me back, that I have the craving every single day. He said he would be so angry if T1 agreed to see me. That actually surprised me. It's like no matter how many times someone tells me what Eric did is ****ed up I still need to hear it 1000 more times. It's iike every time I talk about it I expect someone to tell me what he did was fine and I'm to blame for any pain I'm feeling and no one ever does.

I'm feeling better overall, but I still long for him. I talk about all the ****** things he did and I STILL long for him.

T2 asked how he could be most helpful to me and I asked him if he had any insight into WHY Eric did this. He said he's been trying to get him on the phone to ask him the exact same question. He didn't want sex--he slapped that down and said it was never going to happen, which was one of the reasons I thought there was nothing wrong with what was going on. What did he want? Just to feel powerful?

T2 said he believe Eric to be a very unhappy, frustrated, angry, dissatisfied person. Whether it's true or not it comforted me to hear him say it.

He did not personally know of any other cases in which Eric showed evidence of sexual misconduct but did say he had another patient who went to Eric first--a teenage boy who said he couldn't connect with Eric at all--that it was like talking to a brick wall.

I always think of Eric as someone who LOVES his life and himself very much. He was always telling me to let my negative thoughts just pass by like a cloud in the sky, so I assumed that that's what life is like for him--his negative thoughts just float by like a cloud in the sky. It helped me feel a little better to think it's not as easy as all that for him.

You probably said before, but what degree did he have exactly? I think you said he went from a career in business to psych. Also, that "float away like a cloud" thing is probably the weirdest (and most unhelpful!) thing ive ever heard from a t. How many years experience did he have when you started with him? It cant have been many.

He's a PhD psychologist. The cloud thing is part of this constant MINDFULNESS trend that makes me want to just stab someone in the eye. If I hear someone tell me mindfulness is going to cure my anxiety or depression one more time I'm going to mindfully push them in front of a truck.

T2 says he believes T1 has about 10 years experience in the field. Really goes to show that pretty much anyone can get a PhD and open a practice with zero skills or insight or competence. Very scary.

"Just let the thoughts pass through your brain like you're watching clouds passing overhead...."

BLOW. ME.

He might have gotten a bachelor's in business then went to grad school for psych

He has a Master's in International Finance, a Master's in Psychology and a PhD in Psychology. I used to look up at all of his degrees and think of how incredibly accomplished he was and how much money it must have cost to get all those pieces of paper. Guess it truly doesn't mean ****.

He has PhD, MBA on his nameplate, which I guess is pretty weird--like for a psychologist to include MBA as part of their title when they're not a businessman anymore.

It's amazing how hard it is for me to accept that he's truly just straight up BAD AT THERAPY in addition to the reportable things that he did. He's a BAD therapist. Like,...he's BAD at it. I held him in such high regard and he's a training director for a HUGELY prestigious institute in the city. Amazing.

My former T was a doctorate of psychology and head of a large department in the state psychiatric hospital.. He was in a big church and some leader in some club... Rotary club?? Whatever.. It doesn't mean **** what they've accomplished. They aren't given papers for being decent human beings...

Yeah, from what you have said, he is bad at it, even when you take all the boundary crossing with the sexual content - just some of the other things you've said sounded like he didn't have a clue as to what he was doing.

They sure as **** don't, do they?

I think he might not be very smart. Honestly. Like,...not a bright guy. I hate that I'm attracted to such a moron. It sucks.

He may have a PhD...but I guess someone had to graduate LAST in their class.

With the private graduate schools you really just have to have enough money to go or be able to get enough student loans to go. He didn't go to a very prestigious grad school. If you have enough money pretty much anyone can get a PhD. Some of the PhDs who taught in my Master's program were really not bright at all--used incorrect vocabulary, the wrong terms for diagnoses, one of them used to say "Supposably" during her lectures instead of "Supposedly."

I KNOW this. And still I was like "He's a PhD, MBA. What a smart, successful guy."

It's still so weird to me that I was and still AM so taken with him. It must be truly some sort of chemical attraction--pheromones or something. The lust and longing I have for this douchebag is straight up bizarre. And VERY strong.

The most difficult thought for me today was that both T2 and T3 stated that with my level of suicidality I could have died due to his carelessness. It is true. I could have died. Before I even started looking for guns I did things that put myself in grave physical danger in the hopes that perhaps I might die.

Today I've just been thinking: did he not care that I was going to die?

He really might not have. He still might not. I have no idea whatsoever what he was or is thinking. His lack of care for my existence is so hard for me to accept. It is SO hard.

I just had a very upsetting revelation. I was thinking about what T2 said about trying to contact Eric and and Eric being evasive as **** and dodging him all the time. If Eric cared about me and what happened to me wouldn't he want to talk to T2 to know if I was OK? Like if he REALLY cared he'd want to check in with T2 at SOME point over these last 6 weeks to see how I was doing, wouldn't he?

I still have this crazy love for him and there are many times a day when I would just drop everything and run to be with him if he called. I am like a freshman dork waiting for the senior varsity quarterback to notice me and call. He has completely divorced himself from me.

That's it, right? I have been hurting so much over these last six weeks and have frequently wondered if I ever cross his mind. Does this mean that I don't? Ever? That it's been just fine for him for me to be gone?

Or is he just a coward and afraid to be confronted by T2.

I'd SO much rather have it be the latter. I can't accept that he doesn't care about me or want to be with me somewhere in his heart. He said it so many times and was so SINCERE about it.

Hurtful as they are, these questions and possibilities are important for you to consider.

Do you feel you are grieving the relationship you thought/hoped you had? Are you grieving the man he seemed to be and you hoped he was? Because reality is, many times, crueler.

((Ramona))

Yes, I am grieving both these things--the relationship I thought we had and the man that I hoped that he was.

This has to be the most confusing thing that's ever happened to me. Things are "better" in my life because I'm no longer waking up wishing that I was dead--that's how things have been for years. But on top of that, I've lost this PRECIOUS connection I thought I had to this man who made me feel so alive. It's REALLY confusing.

I could write T2 three times a day every day I have so many thoughts about this and so much to say, but I'm trying not to write too him to much because I'm trying to be more self-reliant.

I just want to know that T1 thinks about me sometimes, but maybe he doesn't think of me at all. There's no way to know. Even if I went back and saw him and asked him I couldn't be sure he was telling the truth.

I really do miss him! I miss him every day.

Here was my train of thought today: I miss him. I love him. I miss him. I love him. Wow, I never realized that like 95% of songs are love songs. I feel like they're all about how I feel about him. Maybe if I don't report him and wait two years (the official amount of time therapists are supposed to wait to have outside contact with their patients) we can be together and have the wild passionate sex he talked about. Please God tell me I'll get to see him again someday, to have his eyes on me, to feel lusted after by him even a little bit. Maybe I can call him and see him again and tell absolutely no one about it and not even claim it on my insurance so no one knows. Please tell me I'll see him again some day. I miss him so much. Oh good, it's 7, I can start drinking now.

That was it. That was my day.

I was actually feeling like trolling T1's wife's Facebook page was good for me, because I saw so many pictures of him that made it SO clear that he's not my type of guy. Then today she updated her cover photo to a family photo of the four of them--herself, T1, and their two boys--all BEAMING with smiles. The perfect family. It made me wish I was dead. I shouldn't have looked.