This is true for me, is it true for you?

This continues to be true for me even across time...more than twenty years..

Exploitation:

You can never hear, "It's not your fault," often enough.

Yes, I know what you mean.

it reminds me of the famous scene in Good Will Hunting where the therapist repeats "it's not your fault" over and over until the words actually hit home. However, even though the film portrayed a breakthrough moment after the man had been told enough times that it wasn't his fault, I feel that he would also have needed repeated reassurance throughout his life as well.

You know, our therapists can tell us, "It's not your fault,"... but I had family blaming me, My mother, "Well, I hope you learned your lesson." An aunt asked, "Did he tie you down, honey?" My brothers gestured to the ceiling in disbelief..."you gave him WHAT money?"

The police ask you what were you wearing, the licensing board officers put me on speaker phone (unbeknownst to me) and let me tell them details of the encounters. I spoke honestly, earnestly and graphically. But I startled when I heard several male voices and raucous laughter over the (speaker) phone. Angrily I asked him "did u have me on speaker phone?!" He went into all kinds of reasons why that would be unethical....'But I heard them!" He denied it.

And what about the physical examinations after the fact....can you imagine being violated yet having to submit to more physical examinations by more doctors? I refused to be examined by ob/gyn students...not because I was "too good" for that, but because I ****ing thought I had shown doctors enough of my ****ing body..back the **** off! My PCP at the time YELLED at ME for this. She said, "This is a teaching hospital. If you are going to continue as my patient, you may be examined by students!" She wouldn't let me explain why I had asked not to be examined by students. She stopped me- "Enough!"

Then, there's the lawyers on the other side.., More of, "What were you wearing, again?" "It was nine PM at night, what did you THINK was going to happen?" More- "Did you or did you not tell him your sexual fantasies about him?"

My attorney tried to be understanding. But it was her male attorney partner that quipped, "Well, at least I hope you had GOOD sex..."

What chance does a therapist abuse survivor have? I still feel like an idiot. I still feel it's partly my fault. Sometimes I still feel like, ARGH! Trigger warning**********
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Ending it all

PrevT replied to this. I'm adding it.

'Just reading this makes me furious. I want to urge survivors not to give ANYONE power over them regarding how they feel about themselves OR what they want with regard to privacy.'

I had a moment with former T where i brought up that scene. I mentioned the scene, she knew of it and then told me it was not my fault and expressed some sort of regret. This was on the phone, our last conversation.

At the time I felt I had got something I badly needed. Later I realized it meant nothing. It was just another feigned emotion given under dubious circumstances. Also, I already knew it was not my fault. Needing to hear it from her was just more of the same dysfunction that characterized the whole thing and eroded autonomy.

Just getting by day by day.
Struggling, grieving, thinking about dark things.

I went through everything above
AND I LOST! I LOST!
I went through all this and I LOST! I confirmed my family's opinion of me, what an idiot!

I LOST the civil & criminal litigation!

I feel like I'm the one in jail, doing time. I'm in jail. I hurt so bad!