Jealous of wife and its therapist: should I worry?

Hi,

my wife started therapy some months ago, and I do not know very much about what is happening and have just some basic info about her needs to start it, that may not be relevant to this topic.

I am not experienced with psychotherapy. This is why I came here to get some better understanding.

The fact is that I had a chance to look at my wife phone browser history and I found a lot of searches about "falling in love with therapist" "therapist having sex with therapist" and this went on for several time.
I need to add that, although we had a good sexual life, in the last period I saw her more open to practices I always asked for and she never di to me.
The problem is that I found evidences of the same practices on her browser history "how to ....with therapist".

Although I was extremely pleased about this change in her (before knowing about her "searches"), which should come from the therapy I am sure, I really do not know what to do.

I heard and read about (but I am still studying..) transfer and all what is around it.
I have no evidence that she may have done something with him, but I am really confused and panicky jealous about that.

I do not want to make mistakes, like interfering with her therapy, but I am really anxious and would like to talk openly to her about this, since we always had a very clear relationship.
I am destroyed about all of this.

I am looking for an advice, since it is not possible to me to go to consult a therapist since I am traveling most of the time.

I am currently in love with my therapist. It's an intense feeling. Now as someone who is in love with their Therapist, I can only guess your wife is missing something, as I am. Sometimes to google searching helps with the fantasies we have. I have done the same thing your wife did. My wife does not know about it and I could see how upset she would be. I want intimacy and love in my life, which is why I am transferring with my therapist. If I were in your position I would love my wife and be there for her. I'm only guessing since I'm in the situation. Give her intimacy and love be selfless, with her. I'm not saying you have done anything wrong. I'm sure you haven't. I am missing something in my life from my wife, and that cause me to fall in love with my Therapist. Ask your wife if she would like to talk about anything she experienced in Therapy. just know she may not share. I don't think I could tell my wife the things I tell my therapist. Be open and honest and understanding, support her and let her know you are there and love her. She's getting help and it's start. and it's very very normal to have romantic or sexual fantasies for your therapist. I'm sick to my stomach in love with mine. Good Luck Buddy! Hope I was able to help a little bit.

Does she talk about her therapist to you that perhaps you would be able to lead into asking her more generic type questions? I don't know your wife or her situation but as you have probably already read it is very common for someone to 'feel' like they are in love with their therapist. It is unlikely although not impossible that there is anything going on other than a regular client-therapist relationship. The increase in her desire and interest in doing 'other' things with you does not necessarily indicate that she is going anything wrong with her therapist either. She may have fantasies which can cause an increase in desire etc. I have googled various forms of 'client falling in love with therapist' and vice versa etc but it's really more because I want to read more about other's experiences as I find it quite interesting.

I would try somehow to talk to her about it but also ensuring you remain supportive and understanding. If you become accusatory or judgemental she may very well shut down. I have shared some of my feelings of transference for my T with my husband and he is very understanding. The time came when I had to stop sharing though as it became obvious that although he was trying to understand it all he couldn't really..

How many people here are now erasing their phone history... eek. Just kidding

Welcome to PC

If your wife has fallen in love with her therapist or has sexual transference then something is missing your marriage and relationship with her. I doubt that your wife is having sex with the therapist. It does happen and there are therapist that will cross the line but almost all of them will not as it is career ending.

Not sure I entirely agree with this. Yes, maybe his wife is missing something in the marriage and that is why she has developed feelings for her T. e.g maybe she is missing an emotional connection and has found that in the therapy relationship. But then again maybe she is not. We have no idea.It's my understanding though that people can have feelings for their T or erotic transference for their T even though they are in a happy relationship. It is based on unmet needs from childhood not current relationships.

Thanks for your comments and replies.
In particular to you, Thalassophile.

Yes I read and studied a lot about this transference, and I am trying to rationalize it as much as I can.
The problem was probably due to my improper conduct in reading her browser web history (also if it started without my clear will to do so).
And yes, MoxieDoxie, it may tell me about something missing in our relationship.
This is a very complex item and it is probably one of the reasons why she went to therapy, not that I am a problem myself or we are uncomfortable, but our relationship may be in some details affected by her hidden unresolved issues.
That is why people go to therapy, I understood, to be more resolved with themselves and (then) with others.

That said, some more about this, to get more:
1- she does not talk a lot about her therapy, I know about some issues she had with anorexia while she was young and are now solved (maybe under control, I cannot tell).
2- she has a very friendly interaction with her T, from the beginning, she talked me about this. I know that this also changed something in what are her hobbies.
3- I got comfortable with the transference theory and (I am a rather jealous guy) I have no evidence of anything really existing.
4- regarding 3, also if I consider myself normally jealous, I am starting wondering if it is pathological. I see that I found some alerts to justify my status of anxiety, but I am confused..

The most important thing, for me, is that I feel like I am kept apart and, while I would like to share with her my sources of anxiety and be very positive with her, I am really afraid that this is, in this very moment, not the best for the success of her therapy.
I think I may need some expert advice (paid..), but I really cannot do it as I am currently on the other side of the world.

Any advice or comment is welcome.

Ah, TeddyBear, thanks for welcoming me

It's very common and it can be very painful. Maybe ask her about it and support her through it. Also take a look at your sex life and try to add somethings that she would like. All too often women get short changed when it comes to sexual pleasure.

Thank god for Chrome incognito.

You may be right, and I am open and supportive with that.
The problem is she did never show any particular need, also if I tried to talk to her and she knows very well (maybe I hope so, now everything looks uncertain to me) that she can talk with me.
About sex she has always been very passive, although it looks like she liked it and I always tried to make her happy.
I feel like our involvement has always been asymmetric, though, not only about sex.

It is a lot of years we are together and I see many changes in her. I am not worried but I would like to improve communication and not being kept aside.

It is like she is reorganizing all, my fear is not being part of it.

There is s big difference between fantasizing and actually having a physical relationship with her therapist. The first can be just transference and not a lot to worry about. Feeling can get confused in therapy and s lot is dredged up. However it sounds like you have reason to believe she is having an affair with her therapist. As hard as it is can you ask your wife for an honest conversation?

Thanks, growlycat.
It hurts but that what is all my anxiety about these days.
I am not sure it is appropriate or whether she is ready for a honest conversation, I am trying to figure it out by going around other milder topics about her therapy.

I repeat, I am still (maybe I need it) thinking that is all about transference, but also being "confused" with the T or feeling that, after all these years, she is not confident with me or I do not turn her on (she misses something), it is very painful to me.

thanks all

I'm in a similar situation. My wife doesn't find me attractive anymore(I Think). I received no intimacy from her. Our sex life is me doing all the work. She's forgotten our Anniversary and Valentine's Day multiple times. This is one of the reasons why I fell in love with my T. It's a tough situation for all those involved. I pray things work out for you.

It is very sad what you say, because, although I am in a different situation, I also feel like she is not attracted by me, if she ever was.
Part of my jealousy comes from my status of insecurity and, maybe, inferiority for the way I feel our relationship.
Let me try to explain: I admit maybe it looks extreme and pathological because she has been with me for long years and we d have a family and I have no evidence of betrayal.

What is my fear now?
That she may do her homework with therapy, iron her ups and downs and get comfortable.
Then she may result in being back to me as a new woman, more involved and passionate, or she may make up he mind and turn around.
Yes, this is human and I cannot impose love to anyone.
But it hurts after all that time.

Plus the fears about her involvement with T and how it has been managed or not as transference and all of that.

About you, did you try to talk to her frankly about it?
Do you have some clear hints about you doing something wrong (becoming fat or less active over the years, being distracted) or is all about her?
Is this thing something recent or how has it developed over time?

I didn't get fat or anything. But I got sick a few years ago, long story short, I have tumors that cause great pain and it's been a tough road. I'm not deformed or anything, yet I feel that way most of the time. So anytime I get some attentions from a woman, I become infatuated. I know my wife loves me, but she's become very controlling in everything and puts little effort in me. I'm her 3rd husband, she's my first. her past two husbands were abusive and domineering. I feel like I pay for their mistakes now. When I bring it up she gets mad and turns it around on me. I don't know what to do. I'v been talking to my T about this, and I fell for my T. I know why, she's not judging me, she doesn't berate me and I feel she cares for me. Plus she's more beautiful than an angel. I love my wife more than anything in this world.
I don't know what I have done wrong. I stay at home since I can't work, but the house is clean and she has dinner every night when she comes home from work. I cater to her every need. She even admits to being spoiled. Now I feel very underappreacited, I've talked to her about this and she tell me "I say Thank You".
The feeling of being unattractive is a sickening one, no one should feel that way.
I'm going off on a tangent and I apologize.
I feel for you my friend.

Hopefully it is just transference. It can be super confusing. Even straight people can start to have feelings for same sex therapists. Or the therapist can start to feel like a parent. The feelings can be alarming but most people don’t act on it. Therapists can lose their licenses if caught having a sexual relationship with their clients so it is in their best interests not to go there.

Transference doesn’t mean necessarily that you are doing something wrong as a husband but it is healthy that you are asking yourself that question just to be sure.

Yes, only 2 days but I got more familiar with this transference thing.
It looks like it is a risky event that should be managed very well, in particular by the therapist, that may result in a valuable tool to highlight and elaborate the issue, or some hard to decrypt message or, if handled bad, the worst pitfall.

What is my problem now is if it is good or bad to talk her about my discoveries and doubts, as it is some interference in her path.

I don't know the details of her therapy, whether this transference has been recognized (maybe yes from the online searched about transference and counter transference some months ago) and properly elaborated (declared to the therapist and so on).

Yes, if the therapist handled this very improperly it is a mess for all of us and he is guilty, but I hope that this is not, anyway I have no clue about that.

UnclePete,
I really feel sorry for what you went through and I am sorry for simplifying what you went through.
I see that you have a lot to elaborate.
But, if you may accept my novice advice (you may be able to get a more robust and professional help from the therapist), I want to tell you that, although your feelings and what you say are very consistent, these problems involve two parties.
I try to explain by making a parallel with something I observed with my children.
For some of them it looks like they always feel like being "underloved" or also abandoned at some point.
Of course that is not true on our side, because we all do our best to love them the same way and we do not have any prejudice.
Although probably some event may have had a special meaning for some of them.
And there is no way to discuss it, because they will always feel like that.

Now, probably your wife also went through a lot, maybe she is aging and the 3 marriages have an effect, in particular with those things you said about the past ones.

All of this to say that you shall try to found a balance in yourself and try to accept what she has to give you, using the therapist help to try making an effect on her. Apart from your own weaknesses, which may not be the biggest part in this relationship, the therapist may be helpful in teaming with you and understanding her. A sort of indirect therapy for her.
I think if you gain confidence and maybe you become more strong on you, this will have an effect on her.

After all, if she still stays with you, this is a good asset to start from.

so at the end we had a long, open and satisfactory conversation.
Nothing happened apart from normal transference, which I am more or less comfortable now. It was not like this last week...

I am reassured and, also because I have a better understanding of the transference mechanism, I think that it is the normal path.
More than my studies and the lack of evidence, it is the frank conversation we had that reassures me.
I trust her and that is it. I have no evidence whatsoever, if her therapist should have done or will do something improper, it is his fault primarily, so I wouldn't be happy at all, but I couldn't blame my wife.

This is my reading of it and I would go on with something new in my life.
I wish all the best to everybody and I think I will keep visiting the forum to get something more about myself

I'm glad you had an open conversation about it, and it turned out to just be, as you put it, "normal transference."

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. You mentioned how your wife's previous two husbands were domineering and abusive. I wonder if that's what this is about, that she's used to being with that sort of person and doesn't know how to deal with a husband who treats her well? Like maybe she's used to a bunch of drama in a relationship, so she's trying to create her own by expressing anger at you. Do you think she'd consider marriage counseling? That could be helpful to you. Or if she wouldn't be willing to go, if you're not getting your own therapy, maybe that could help you?

Any chance of you going to therapy? It might be best.

Yes, apart from the clarification I have with my wife, I agree that this may be a good solution to handle my anxiety and subordination to my wife

I think this is normal and understandable. I think you could phrase it to her in exactly the two above sentences. How exactly the conversation would unfold, I'm not really sure. I would suppose it will (at least initially) feel awkward.

You could get a couples counselor to facilitate things, I suppose.

But here's another thought: Is there anything the two of you like to do together? A shared interest? A project that might interest you both? Building a birdhouse? Planting a garden? Going to a restaurant and surreptitiously making fun of the Hipsters there?!

My point is, it sort of sounds like you're seeking to increase the connection between you two, and there are many ways to do that. Good luck!

Yes, definitely, I am.
I have to do my homework and maybe refreshing our relationship.