Is it always 'transference'?

"Transference" is just a word denoting something. So is "crush". When a "crush" occurs almost instantly, without knowing the person much then to my mind it has all the properties of the phenomena that is called "transference".

Thanks, Thalassophile ~~ I guess one needs to understand or be able to translate what my T is saying when it comes out, "you focus too much on me." The translation is, "You don't talk about your feelings about me, but you focus on me. That's not helpful." I get it. Now T wants me to write how I feel about her/him. When I first told T that I had romantic and erotic feelings for her/him, her/his response was, "I'm not afraid of your feelings. I think they're something we should talk about." So we did talk about them for several weeks, off and on, then I just stopped bringing the subject up because it became too painful. Unrequited love and all that, you know.

I agree w/you, Myrto ~~ I believe the romantic and erotic feelings I have are both transference and based in reality, however painful. I didn't develop these feelings for almost two years and they came up slowly. I also know too much about my T's "real" life, so I think my feelings would be the same outside of therapy. I've told T I know more than she/he understands and remind T I vetted her/him prior to our first appt. I'm now writing down all of the feelings I have for T at T's request - e.g. hurt that T didn't recall something I told her/him that was extremely important to me and my therapy, always glad to see T, love T for all of the kindnesses she/he has shown me, I feel angry w/T when T keeps bringing up the same issue over and over, feel sexually/erotically attracted to T, etc. I think what I feel is a combination of what I felt in a relationship that ended badly and what I actually feel for T, knowing 'who' T is and how she/he lives her/his life outside of therapy.

T believes that if we can dig deep enough to understand why I feel what I feel, I'll feel closer to her/him - I won't leave sessions hurt and depressed and won't be so focused on the erotic. T does believe some clients genuinely love their Ts, but the goal is to diffuse the erotic and focus on the why. Regardless, it's still painful.

I'm only using the word 'transference' bc that seems to be what many people on PC label it. I would rather people address the feelings and where they come from and why. Transference happens all of the time outside of therapy...

I don't think they necessarily are. I think my feelings for my marriage counselor did begin as transference...but then I feel that they shifted into more of a romantic love. But then, I guess, how can I really know? How much of our love--platonic or romantic--is based in transference? I mean, there's the whole theory of we're drawn to people who remind us of our parents. The idea behind Imago therapy, as T explained it to me, anyway, is that we are drawn to a particular romantic partner in part because they have traits of our parents and we can work out unresolved childhood issues with them. So...did I partly pick my H because something in him (not appearance) reminded me of my father? Or, I suppose, my mother? Because that to me also suggests transference...

In regards to the like our parents theory, my T is nothing like mine, maybe that's the appeal. I am not close by any means with anyone in my family... and I'd avoid someone heavily if they seemed at all like either parent.

I've also never dated etc, it's not something I ever wanted or anything so there is no past love to compare it to. No "desire" in ideal mate or anything. I just have the love from my dogs and a few friends. T is very friend like to me... but so different than anyone I ever have met. I don't care for the term transference, to me it comes off as a way to write off your feelings as "therapy related" and not real. I know how I feel, I know its real. So I use the term, bond or feelings.

Who knows what it really is.... I do truly believe though that its not always "just a part of therapy" sometimes two people really do have genuine mutual feelings, even in such a situation, although it's rare. It happens. No doubt.

My parents and my therapists inhabit two different worlds. For me, it was the yearning to get from my therapist what I wanted from. The same hormone is produced in both scenarios.

My feelings to my T are also completely different than are/were any of my feelings to my parents or other "close" relatives. I've come to understand that a feeling or a lack of it (love vs no love) can be the two sides of the same coin.

It has been difficult for me to grasp how those feelings I feel for my T are connected to my parents. Transference is not as simple as it is usually pictured - "feelings for significant others are carried over to the therapist". I think in many cases the early longings are brought alive and transference arises not from early feelings to significant others but rather the lack of those feelings - because there must be a reason why these feeling are/were lacking and this is precisely that is transferred.

To me transference is just a name for a phenomenon. It obviously doesn't occur only in therapy especially in real life situations it is difficult to distinguish what is transference and what is "real", in a sense probably all real relationships contain a various degree of transference. There are researchers who have studied transference in the contexts of everyday relationships and there it is defined simply as evoking the mental representations or schemas related to significant others and making inferences about the other person based on those schemas rather than the reality while being unaware of that. In that sense, I can't even think why someone would want to distinguish "real" feelings from "transference" or what that distinction would even mean. If a person feels a feeling then it is real, regardless whether it is evoked from the present moment circumstances or partially coming from some earlier time.

What is also more interesting in therapy context is that with love must also come hate or hatred. Although loving feelings can be embarrassing, they are still somewhat pleasant (to both parties) whereas most therapists would probably not rather look for the hate that inevitably must accompany love. Also, for most clients/patients to admit hatred is probably much more shameful and difficult and without a curious therapist probably even impossible. However, in order to really work with transference, both sides should be worked with and the therapist should be equally curious and accepting to both loving and hating feelings.

Thanks for your response, feileacan. I hadn't thought of an immediate, love-at-first-sight thing as probably transference. I've been thinking that the longer we get to know our Ts, the more likely it's transference from someone you felt strongly about at an earlier time. (I love it when I have something to 'think' about!)

Again, thanks for the insight I'm apparently missing. The hate that can occur in a therapy relationship is what many, many Ts have difficulty dealing with. I have much anger from childhood...enough to dream that I was beating my T to a pulp with a baseball bat. We've known since the beginning that I carry a lot of rage, but it slips out in very measured amounts - like the dream. Another small amount will surface this week when I tell T s/he responded to my question, "Were you lying to me?" by telling me that I appeared fragile. The 'fragile' thing is too long to explain, but it seemed to me that T was responding to my need to know if s/he was lying (questioning their authenticity), by acting defensively, intimating I'm too fragile to deal with life. Actually, more than a little rage could come out this week. I'm dangerously close to the rage and feeling vulnerable - nothing T can't handle and something T has been waiting for. After almost three years of therapy, I'm certain T will be curious about the hate that comes out. It's the love that I can't seem to address, so perhaps I'll get closer to those feelings.