Sexual relationship with T

I wanted to post this for all of those in this sub-forum as a warning.

My old T and I had a sexual relationship. I'm not going into details, but it destroyed my life. I ended up suing her and her actions were so egregious that her insurance provider was able to cancel her policy and thus not cover her for what she did. She was able to hide most of her liquid assets back into her practice, making a jury trial almost meaningless. She has friends and colleagues on the board, and there was no consequence other than some supervision.

I understand deeply about transferences. I do. But I would caution about the fantasy of a real sexual relationship with your therapist. There will be no one to catch you when it blows up; not the law, not the licensing board, no one. You'll be on your own.

Maybe others have had different outcomes, but these were mine.
-P
PS. I wouldn't have listened to me before I had the affair, either. I would have still done it. No question. Because people did warn me and I didn't listen, and I wish I had.

Hi Parva,

Thanks for sharing. I too had a sexual relationship with my therapist, and it ended badly. I'm also shocked how often it actually happens - far more often than we realize.

Just a reminder for those in Canada - your therapist is forbidden from any sexual relationship with you for a minimum of two years after ending therapy, OR for as long as you remain vulnerable.

There is no gray area here. It is black and white.

Take care of yourselves, because like Parva says, no one will catch you when everything goes wrong.

Thank you for posting this warning. We don't have enough of those warnings, so they are always needed.

Unfortunately, as you said, people usually don't heed it.

The fantasy of having a sexual relationship with one's therapist is one thing, but when it turns into reality that's a completely different story. Some people believe that the actual sexual engagement with the therapist would make everything better, because it'd be more "honest" than just to suffer an unrequited love, and while I am not someone who sees transference as a healthy thing, I know that turning transference fantasies into reality would harm you even more than tolerating the humiliating experience of your feelings not being returned. I don't know this from my own experience since I never had a sexual relationship with any of my therapists, but I've heard countless stories of people who have had that experience. None of those stories had a happy ending. NONE.

What I'd like everyone who entertains such fantasies to know is that before you decide to act them out remember that in case of a break up (which will come inevitably) you won't be able to deal with the ending the same way people deal with it in regular relationships.

In other relationships, when people date and break up, it starts differently and it ends differently. It starts on the equal footing right away and when things go wrong, people may get hurt, but they don't have the same sense of betrayal you will have if your sexual partner is your former therapist. The trauma you will go through when the relationship ends (which, trust me, it will) will be unparalleled to any other break ups. And, as others said, no one will be there for you. Our society is not evolved enough to understand that kind of trauma and to give you the support you need and our justice system is not equipped to deal with those cases.

Again, this was not my experience, but I've dealt with this issue for about 7 years now listening to people's stories, reading what is available on the subject, talking to those who have been trying to raise awareness about sexual abuse in therapy and writing about it on my blog as well. With all that, I feel like I understand the issue pretty well.

OP

Sorry that ended so badly for you.

I know this would never happen for me, my T is very paranoid about being caught over things but if It was ever an option, I'd go for it, knowing all warnings, for me, I don't think it would be any different than anyone else hurting me IF it ended badly, but then again, I don't think of my T as a T, so it's probably easier for me to disconnect in a sense.

None the less, it's very sad how stuff like this (and just crappy T's in general) can really hurt so many clients. Hope you are able to find a way to heal from all this pain.

What a painful experience that must have been. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I hope you are able to treat yourself gently while you recover.

I saw a T for a brief period that lost her license for having a relationship with a client. Although she never made an overture toward me, she used to solicite money for various causes, and I always thought that was inappropriate.

Hi, Parva, I'm sorry you had this experience.
Thank you for posting this. I agree that these warnings are always needed.

This would never happen in my therapy because my T is happily married and has strict boundaries. I know if he asked for a kiss or even for sex, I would say yes. I don't think it's because of transference/attachment or something. I just want to feel loved, I want to know that someone can kiss me or just touch me without vomiting lol (I've never had a relationship, so I think that I'm so disgusting that no one would kiss me or anything even for money).

That must have been so incredibly painful and devastating for you. I hope you found a good therapist after her. I can't believe she didn't have any fall out from it.

I understand why you felt the need to warn us but you know, regardless of fantasies and desires, it is absolutely the therapist's responsibility to maintain boundaries and protect us. Look at the responses above, many of us would do it in a heartbeat, despite the warning. The therapist is fully culpable in this situation.

Warning people about the potential devastating effects of sexual engagement with their therapists is not the same as relieving therapists of their professional responsibilities. No one here has suggested that the therapist is not fully responsible for maintaining boundaries. Information was given to people to empower them to make the best choices for themselves. Empowering people to do that doesn't take any responsibility away from the therapist.

I didn't say it was. I just wanted to make it clear, that regardless of our fantasies and what we might want (or think we want), it's ultimately the responsibility of the therapist to maintain boundaries. I suppose I was worried that the op might be blaming themselves on some level... because they talk about being warned etc.

I have fantasized about having an affair with my T and about how it would end and if I would be devastated. The minute we cross boundaries is the minute I lose therapeutic support that I desperately need. I could not go back to coming into session and discussing my issues and or do EMDR. Where does that leave me? He would turn into just another man I seduced, F^*ked, and any therapy I have had with him would have been in vein. I would be back to the mess I was before I met him. It would also continue to show my me that men can not do anything nice for me with out me having to pay them back with sex. That is been the most difficult thing for me when I started therapy for the first time with a male T. When they were kind and supportive I immediately felt obligated to have sex with them because that is how I grew up. That is how you thanked men.

Well said.

Yeah. That should be a stickie for this section.

I would never put the full responsibility of this on my T. I absolutely would own my part in it... I've always been like that with any situation involving another person. This is no different to me.

Although in my mind... I'm thinking AFTER therapy ends.... again it would never happen anyway but.... it's much different situation when someone is STILL a client, at least to me.

*I want to be clear, this is how I would personally deal with this situation if it occurred POST therapy, I've no idea how I'd handle it if it happened during but I know it never would. Everyone handles these things different and that's ok. *

I'm with You on this. I think above all, we are not only therapist - patient, but simply a man-woman and we are interacting with each other also on this level, so if something happened between me and my T after finishing my therapy with him, I would take the responsibility for this either.

The APA and every state ethics board disagrees with this sentiment, as does the research. The standard of practice is 2 years after the termination of therapy, and even then, the T can still be in violation. This is reflected by the fact that most state statute of limitations do not start until the patient can reasonably be expected to understand the nature of the damage. Sexual violations and negligence are both relevant to the two year interval from the end of therapy, and in many cases, personal relationships initiated even past that 2 year time period can be subject to a board complaint. The point is that current legal and mental health thinking is that the therapeutic relationship is fundamentally a lifelong one. Aside from an ethical perspective, there is a pragmatic one. Suppose 3 years goes by after you 'finished', and all of a sudden you need support. Your T should still be able to fill that role, so no ethically grounded therapist is going to assume a post-therapeutic sexual relationship is ok. In terms of childhood trauma, the research is clear that it cannot be 'fixed'; you cope with it. So for *most* of us, there's never a time when we're completely free of the trauma. So in that sense, the nature of therapeutic relationship doesn't magically change because you stopped therapy.

Take responsibility or not - that's not my concern here. My concern is that the nature of the therapeutic relationship demands that patient protection and advocacy be placed ahead of the protection of the therapist.

Ok, first of all, I'm from Europe, so state ethics board in not valid in here, there are different laws, but still we say 2 year period between therapy ending and relationship is the minimum. That being said, I understand that generally it is like You say and I agree it should be. There are different relations, different therapists, different states of minds though. Sometimes the consciousness of a client is bigger, sometimes it's really very small and related to some child trauma's.

That's why I generally agree with You. I only say that in my situation, if I did some move on him after the therapy ends, I would take the responsibility and I would not report my T. I won't do it because I am conscious it wouldn't be ethical for him and wouldn't be good for me.

I used to take the blame. After all, I flirted with him.

I now understand it was 100% on him. He had the legal and ethical responsibility to make sure it didn’t happen. I was depressed and vulnerable. And desperately wanted to be loved.

This is on him. Not me and not you.

As You can see from "pink flags" topic where I described my situation, my therapist is flirtatious with me. Generally I know, that he shouldn't but lately I feel a little guilty for this, like this is my fault. So thanks for these words.

Still, nothing serious happened between me and him so there is no need to report anything in my case.

But you may want to look for a new therapist. Still highly inappropriate on his part.

At the moment I am not (I wrote about it in another topic so let's not double it), but still thank You for Your advice that I know comes from a good will.

I had sex with my t too. Its ended badly like all my relationships. I dont think that it was because he was my t but because he was married. Being lover of married man very often ends badly.
I still cant understand what is transference if you meet someone who helps you when you are desperate. If t has no boundaries you cant feel it like therapy. No he didnt sleep with other clients, only with me and sure his wife who has never been his patient. They say if t sleeps with you, he sleeps with another clients too but no.. Maybe he will but I think two women is enough. Its nothing more then "he had crisis in marriage so he slept with another woman".
I dont know about other Ts but if you work too much and have only wife and job and crisis in marriage, you probably would sleep with your attractive workmate or if you dont have one, maybe your client. Its easiest way.
I dont say its ok, I say my point of view about Ts who sleep with their clients. Every situation is different but I cant call this (sex) transference. People want sex. So simple.

I am sorry for everybody who had this sad experience. Im losing my mind too because of him now

Hope people consider your experience. Started in an ongoing therapy group just as it was unveiled that a member had been hospitalized. Seems she had a sexual relationship with her T - known to all for a significant length of time. Bad breakup. She told someone. The T denied it, hospitalized her, giving her severe diagnoses. Every meeting was a list of further developing horrific events.....heavy meds, legal commitment etc. I left before the story ended but I don't think there was a chance it ended well for her.

To me, sex with a therapist would be like the incest and abuse I already grew up in.

Same power dynamic & everything with the therapist taking advantage of someone (their client) in a vulnerable state.

So NOT okay!!!

I agree. Responsibility is from both sides.

When Im mad I want to report my t but.. I know its way to do revenge for hurting me and leaving me but honestly if I did it, I would just damage his life and got nothing. I wanted to sleep with him. It wasnt abuse. It was just unhealthy relationship between man and woman.
If I reported him, it wouldnt be honest. I hope I will get over this without hate. Hate and revenge destroy the person who feels hate. I am not God to judge him.

ugh God. ****ing toxic