History of transference & abusive relationships

This hits the nail on its head. I love the feelings I manufacture from this person : it's true.

I think you're right it may be a mix of paternal and maternal transference.
He even frauded you out of money and tried to silence you.. Oh, Precaryous, . I can not mention the things my previous doctor did to try to silence me here, since I am afraid my story becomes too recognizable. But the lenghts these doctors go to to cover up their tracks, is astonishing. They don't care at all what happens to you, and whether you survive their abuse or not, as long as they can cover up their tracks, I learned that the hard way also.

The article mentions ‘super-hero’ doctors and ‘lone wolf’ doctors and suggests “alarm bells should ring.”

“Their seniority and expertise in their field meant that their unusual behaviour was not challenged by colleagues or patients.”

Rogue doctors ‘use superhero status to abuse patients’ | Society | The Guardian

Thank you so much Precaryous, I read the article. I definitely recognize the mentioned aspects that doctors with a superhero status are not challenged in their behavior by colleagues or patients. In fact, his own staff member said she could do nothing about his constant ignoring of me, as (citing) "He is my boss, I have to do what he says".

So that says it all.

However, today I realized something else. My disease is progressing swiftly, my body is a mess after the ravage my disease is causing. This is permanent and will only get worse. I realized more and more I don't want to live anymore with the way my body is breaking down. (I want to add a trigger to this, but I don't know how I can do that). I also realized that the only happy moment I still had the past month was when my doctor held me in his arms and kissed me. To now blame him for that, as I am doing albeit not directly expressing it to him or anyone but here, somehow doesn't seem right to me. It is the truth: it was the only moment this month, I felt happy. And the times he hugged me the past year were the only moments I felt happy. That says more about the pathetic turn my life has taken than about his mistakes. How can I blame him for doing the only thing that has given me some happiness the past year?

I received some very unfortunate news with regard to my disease the past week, twice. I can not say too much about this out of fear to be recognized, but usually bad news means drastic life changing developments in my disease.
I told family about this news: just very brief without much words.. The only response I get is "Why do you tell me this? What can I do with this? You should be telling your doctor, I can do nothing with this. I don't know why you tell me this. You should be doing something about this yourself, but there is nothing you want to do about this." (NB: I'm under the care of my doctors/specialists that I see regularly).
On the other hand: the moment their first grandchild lets a burb my mother is jumping from joy and showing it to the world. And the moment she fears he may experience some discomfort because he cries, she is surfing over the internet in panic, advising what doctors to see, and can't stop talking about it.
Don't get me wrong: I am happy they love their first grandchild. I am happy he will be growing up surrounded by love, also from his grandparents. He is small and vulnerable, and deserves and needs to be surrounded by much love and care.

But I can't help but feel so incredibly hurt at the same time. I hate how my body is breaking down. I hate I can't turn my back to my family and disappear for good out of their lives because of this disease. I hate my life. And these are the moments I miss my specialist/doctor the most. I would do anything for a hug from him now. I have him on a social media platform that we once used to communicate. And sometimes I just take a look only to see when he was last online. Just to know he is somewhere out there, when I feel so isolated. How can I think with how I attached to him (as I did to these other male authoritarian figures in the past) that he is the one to blame?

“How can I think with how I attached a to him (as I did to these other male authoritarian figures in the past) that he is the one to blame?”

Oh no! I’m sorry your disease has worsened! I wish family would always be helpful and surround you as part of your broad base of support. Unfortunately, often times family and friends just don’t get it.

About your question-
You are not responsible for the way this doctor chooses to act or respond.
That is his responsibility.

Doctors go to med school and are educated in disease processes and social interactions. Usually they are educated in attachment and positive and negative transference. Clients/patients cannot be expected to know about these issues.

Doctors are educated in boundaries and ethics. The client/patient commonly is not.

Doctors take an oath to DO NO HARM. Client/patients do not.

It is the doctor’s responsibility to have *your* best interest at heart...and to keep you from harm to the best of their ability. Patients are not bound by any such responsibility toward their doctors.

You can enter the office and strip off all your clothes. It’s the doctor’s responsibility to direct you to redress, keep you safe, not exploit you!

Your doctor is choosing how he acts/reacts knowing everything he learned in med school and having taken an oath to do no harm!
His actions and breaking boundaries are not your fault. If he is narcissistic, that’s not your fault. If he has an addiction, his actions are *not* your fault. If he’s ill and acting inappropriately, it’s not your fault!

‘His attention felt great to me, so how can I blame him for that?’
Right?

No matter how good it feels, he is exploiting and harming you. In some cities he would be committing a crime against you!

Even if his exploitation feels good to you at the time, the harm he’s causing now and, possibly, into the future...is his fault, not yours!

Sorry I have not responded as of yet, Precaryous. It has been going so poor, so poor. He had said his secretary would call me within one week after he saw me. Of course she never called. I had sent him one email as said, 2 days after the consultation with all the hugging and his kisses. Only to ask him to please not abandon me since I knew there was no other doctor with his capabilities that knew how to do this treatment well. I had said nothing about the kisses and hugs to not give him the feeling i blamed him or make him think I was a liability.
Almost 2,5 weeks after seeing him, since I never heard anything of his secretary, I sent him a second email. I apologized for my emailing, explaining that I was afraid of his abandonment because of all the ignoring. I wrote I hoped we could have a normal patient doctor relationship again. I wrote I had not heard from his secretary as he had promised. I did mention the hugging and kissing this time, but without blaming him I think. I just said that 2,5 weeks ago he held me in his arms the entire consult and kissed me 3 times and that I tried to, but did not understand his abandonment.
He did not reply .
I am not sure what I always do wrong, but I feel so excrucatingly hurt.

I feel so much hurt I can not explain after all the hugging and kisses. I feel completely devastated. Today I thus wrote a very brief email giving my bank account number to transfer the reimbursement (I paid upfront and so there was still a reimbursement). I said nothing else in it at all, but that I wished him the best.

I feel so broken from pain that I want to die. I feel so broken I don't want this life anymore. I don't understand why he treats me like this. I feel so broken by the thought that I will never see him anymore. He is like a father to me. I feel so broken that he helps other patients and responds to them, but hugs me the entire consult and kisses me and ignores me always and abandons me.
It is my own fault this happens. He wouldn't ignore me always if it wasn't my own fault. He doesn't ignore others like this. I don't want this life anymore. I feel so much pain. I feel so broken that I needed his treatment so much, that I don't know what now, that there is no better doctor for this. I feel at loss on all fronts. How could I ruin this? How could I do that/ I needed his help so much.

It’s not you’re fault at all.

Do you know that if parents get divorced, it’s common for children to find a way to ‘make it their fault’ - even though it’s clearly not their fault. The children think, if I had just been a quieter little girl , or if I had not caused so much trouble with my homework, etc. Mom and Dad would still be together...

I think you are blaming yourself like this.

You don’t know for a fact that he isn’t treating- then ignoring his other clients. You don’t known if he’s so occupied with appointments, finances, anything..that is causing him to act this way toward you.

The point is, it’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.

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You know a bit about my story. Do you believe that was my fault?
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How have you been doing on a search for a female therapist? I know you are feeling devastated but I hope you find a good therapist to help you with this.