just to get thoughts out, feel free to get thoughts out too

I texted him (intentionally) yesterday. I sent him an article I liked and thought he would like. He responded (to my surprise) by saying he also liked that author, and then we chatted a little bit. I sent him a video of an artist I like (I got enthusiastic, haha), we talked about it, at some point he stopped responding. The next morning he texted me that he had to stop replying, and that he had to ask me to do the same. It was a really nice, empathetic message. He said that having private contact between the two of us would too likely lead to complicated, unhealthy situations, which could lead to sadness on my part and also on his, apart from this not being ethically appropriate.

It was really nice for me to read that he also said it would/could lead to sadness on his part. It feels in a way like a very gentle, friendly break-up. I don't feel told off at all, but respected.

I took the opportunity to respond by saying that I understood of course, that I missed him and that I found it hard, but reirating I understood etc. It was good to be able to express that to him (missing him), even in just a text.

The reason I texted him was 1) I wanted to very badly, to be in touch with him, 2) I thought it might lead to him telling me clearly that we cannot have contact like this, which I felt I needed to hear. And I think he did that in the kindest imaginable way.

I deleted his number as well as the e-mail where I had his number saved. Now towards spending less hours a day thinking about him (although I am going to listen to a few more sappy love songs along the way ).

I had an imaginary conversation with you in my mind. I said that I didn't really want therapy with you anymore, but rather talk to you about sex with you, in the hope it would affect you in some way. You asked, you mean in that it would arouse me? I said yes in my head, suddenly felt sad, and started to cry in real life. As I continued the imaginary conversation with you, I realised that the possibility that you would only be attracted to me physically made me sad, and that I clearly felt that I wanted you to love (!) me. This took me by surprise because I have never felt or been aware of wanting that from someone. I never feel so certain about my own feelings either. Also, I thought my feelings for you were waning, and I wouldn't have considered my feelings for you that strong at any point in the past.

It was a nice experience for me to feel this so clearly. This is what I wish living felt like all the time. Not in the sense of constantly feeling strong emotions, but feeling clear, uncomplicated emotions instead of the muddled, down-dragging depression-emotions that I am more used to. My current therapist is helpful in showing me where the line between the two is, maybe that has contributed to this experience. Also, now I reread the post, her showing me my continuous self-doubt, including regarding any feelings I may have.