Questioning My Conception

When God breathed life into me did He not know that i was a mistake? An error my parents made (and then had to marry)? Did He not know that my father would take his life two weeks after my eighth birthday? Did He not know that my mother would give birth to a son four months later? Did He not know that my foster brother who grew up with me since he was a baby would die of leukemia the year after? Did He not know that my poor mother would become depressed and unable to deal with what she was left with? Did He not know that Mr. K at the coin shop would molest me? Did He not know that I would become socially inept and bullied at school from the fourth grade on to graduation? Did He not know that I would marry at 18 because my Mom had to move my grandmother into the house and she was very, very hard on me? Did he not know that I would choose to have a baby with this alcoholic unfaithful man at 20? Did He not know that I would leave this man to marry a "Christian" man that only pretended to love my daughter (3 y/o) and after 13 miserable years I had to choose between them? Did he not know that I would be soooo lost that I would latch on to the first man that showed any affection (another drinker and now so am I)? Did He not know that I would lose my beloved uncle, aunt and mother within 3 years? I am left with a disabled daughter that I love more than live itself and I do what I can for but it is never enough. I love my current alcoholic husband but he has never been "good" for me (9 years) I see her making the same poor choices that I made. I WANT A DO OVER!!!! If that seed had only not penetrated that egg.... maybe the world would be a little better. So sorry....just really need to vent tonight. Fought with husband last night, spent tonight in the ER with my daugher and I just want to run away.

I hear you!!

I was a mistake. I can even visualize how much better my family's lives would be if I did not exist.

Not only was I a mistake, but I stole this life from someone else.

If you find the "do over" loophole, please let me know!!

((((((((Susan888))))))))


I'm so sorry you've had so much heartache. I too, question my existence from time to time. I still don't have a lot of answers but I just don't have as many questions as I used to either.

I think you'll like this website. There are many people here who have issues similar to yours. Welcome.

(((Elysum)))

Thanks for understanding. Wouldn't it really be great if we could get a do over!

Thanks Notz for welcoming me so warmly!

((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))) if ok.....I can identify with the parents having to get married...me married to an abusive man....attracted to other drunken men....having grandparents die and not told by family finding other from a drugged a person on the street at lunchtime. I can itemized alot of grief..but just for today I have to be grateful..if not I'll say ....why am I here????....my mother didn't want to be a mother at 19....they fought all those years b/c of me....not true...they're alcoholics and after 54 years they are still together....so it wasn't my fault...stuff just happens...why I don't know...I finally stopped asking the questions..and just accepted that all I have is me and God....and I'm alive and God doesn't give me more than I can handle (this is just for me) and I have good character and am a strong woman. (Although I get very depressed I'm not today.) I live alone today...my kids are in different states and my parents live in their own house....and they can't affect me anymore. They's sitting on their couches and I'm on mine.....and I'll sitting thinking what happened to me....40 years ago. It's time to let it go....only I can hurt me....I won't allow them to take space in my head and hurt me...and my dad abused me when I was 15 cause I became a woman....and I reminded him of my mom at the age he met her. He was drunk....it was the alcohol...making him think wrong things. I had to forgive him cause I was so angry..that no one believed me and that I made too much out of it. Anyway, now I'm thinking of things I haven't thought of.....and I hope it helps you to know that you're not alone with these things....pm me if you want...I'm available for you. I think we go through bad times and survive so we can help someone else. God Bless you...and keep you in His care.

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

Our history is not our destiny.
(Holmes)

I've questioned my conception, too. For my dad, it was his second marriage and the kids from his first were already grown up. My mother was 46 and supposedly unable to get pregnant. Guess what? LOL

Shortly after my birth, my dad (er... sperm donor) was heard to say "You'll never get away with it again!" to my mother.

My mother's mom was one of my perps, my da... er... sperm donor was the other.

He knew that my mom would compare me to the rest of the cousins and would always find me lacking. He knew that I would be bullied in school and he knew that I would fail every one of my classes. He knew that I couldn't learn because even at that young age, I was too depressed to be able to concentrate.

He knew that I would be promiscuous because I thought that I would get a man to love me if I let him do with me what he wanted. After all, I had found favor in the sperm donor's eyes because I let him to do me what he wanted. I even "fell in love" with him! Just recently I realized that he indeed commit wrongs against me. I grew up not holding it against him because he "didn't hurt me."

God knew I'd make the worst choice ever in a first husband. He knew that he was a schitzophrenic and that he would abuse me more than I had been abused in my childhood. He knew that I would be convinced that I was either "crazy" or mentally deficient in some horrible way by the time I got out of that relationship, because a marriage it was NOT.

God also knew that I would be totally and completely rejected by my firstborn, a daughter that was so completely like me, it felt as if we were twins rather than mother and daughter.

God knew it all even before I was born. He knew that those in my life would use their free will to treat me as they did. My mom would have died rather than to believe her own mother and husband were abusing the only child she would ever have. He knew that she would fail me emotionally and that her evil mother would come before me in all things.

My saving grace; God instilled a spirit of rebellion in me and as one of my cousins who is a man of God told me "You have a God-given integrity." I can sense wrong from a mile away and I fight against it if it comes my way. Another saving grace was that I was raised in church. It didn't do me much good after I left home. There was even a time I believed that there is no God... or at least I claimed that there wasn't.

When I married my second husband, I realized that my kids needed the protection, the guidelines that I had received while going to church and my kids were raised going to church. I held to those standards.

It wasn't until just recently, maybe a year or two, that God has chosed to use me... just like I asked Him to. He's turned all my pain, all my twisted thinking and all my anger and stubborness into something He can use.

The only pain I have from my past, and that is minimal, is the abuse I received at the hands of my first husband. Someone lying about me, telling me I don't know what I'm saying or trying to control me in any way are the only triggers I have left. It rarely happens anymore.

I can tell you as sure as I'm sitting here typing this, that if you let Him, God will turn your pain and suffering, anger, horrible memories, etc., inside out and sideways and make them strengths if you'll only let Him. It's not easy, but He'll do it for you. It's a promise!

((((Susan))) God knew all that. He also knows where are "are" now, and where you will be in the future. God, imo, doesn't make mistakes.

I believe He gives his creation "free will." He doesn't dictate and orchestrate what we do, what choices we make, etc. We aren't puppets.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low tonight, and hope you won't be there long.

As I have read each of the responses from some very brave and special women I admire, even if from a distance, _Sky, mlpHolmes, and SeptemberMorn, I am encouraged to share some of my own thoughts.

I questioned very often with the same questions and the the same wonderings---but i KNOW God knew it all from the start. And I believe for myself, that HE protected me with the capability to "split" (DID). Yes, He knew everything---including the strength I now have as I continue on this journey. He has blessed me with compassion and wisdom. He has given me strengths I am now just discovering and that has been both scary and exciting.

I was once at a point where I didn't want this life.

I have made a choice not to hang onto the anger, the past pains and hurts---not that they don't come up or that I will never have to work thru them again on a new leval----but I NOW know I CAN CHOOSE!!!!!! I never could before. I was a victim. But NOW I CAN!!!! I can choose to find the things God sees in me and look at where I have come from and where I am now. It is FREEDOM. And if feels scary and wonderful at the same time

I will keep you in my thoughts as you struggle with your questions and your pain. No one can walk your journey for you. I can share where I am and that's for you to take or not. But I do send you Peace.

Thank you White Iris.

I know that I have a lot of work to do if I am ever going to be whole...It feels really good to have a place where I can just write my feelings down and just look at them. I have not done that openly before now (just kept the thoughts to myself).

Peace to you also.

Susan

I'm glad you are writing the thoughts down. I had a real hard time doing that for a long time. I never really kept a "journal" but wrote things here and there both on PC and to friends and in whatever notebook or piece of paper that was laying around whenever a thought hit.

Looking back on some of the writings, i am amazed at how far I've come---doesn't feel like that---but I have. Finding and re-reading past writings has shown me the hope and strength i've aquired as I've struggled thru.

Keep writing, keep moving forward, keep questioning and as you do don't stop with the questions--pursue the answers in a positive and healing light. It is so important that the light you use to see thru the struggles and the pain is a positive one or you will find yourself deeper and deeper into the negative....

Susan,

We so appreciate your open and honest questions of God/Universe. So refreshing and really freeing. We appreciate everyone's responses too. Trying to figure out this darned fight for life.

I love Fuzzy's poem in Creative that speaks about this, every breathe is a fight for life.

We love PS139. Where can I go...etc. We are pretty sure this is meant for us and you surely can use it too.

When we found out last year that our Mother tried to abort us using alcohol, we felt drowned in sorrow. We used those verses to strengthen up. We have had numerous tests and gone through much pain but we are slowly coming out the other side with the help of PC friends, some dear family members and therapy. We are so grateful.

We have multituds of alcoholics in our family and family members with illnesses both physical and mental/emotional. We attend adult children of alcoholics group for all of our confused thinking around the disease.

Thanks again Susan for your openess and for all others here who have responded with their beautiful overcoming life histories. We respect you all and look forward to growing stronger together.



Hunny

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Iris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Freedom is indeed scary and wonderful at the same time!

You are loved, White Iris!

(((((((((((((((((SUSAN888))))))))))))))))))))

Malady bes a mistake as well. God had nothing to do with its conception. It bes the product of sorceries. An adept prematurely sacrificed to tragedy years before it bes born had more to do with it being here than its biological parents.

((((((((Malady))))))))