Need help with 'death'

For those that don't know I recently got a job as Care Manager at a large residential home.

Due to the nature of my job I have to deal with death frequently. People die and that's the way it is.

What I have found is that staff and residents will joke and have great humor around the subject of dying and yes I guess it does bring a smile to my face, the way things are put. I'm interested in human behaviour and making humor out of death helps but it's such black humor, it comes to us all!

The thing is, it's not really funny. God is up there playing Sims with us all. Is it really the end when we die? Each of us has a different story and yet we all end up dead. How sad.

I'd be interested in points of view that are supportive of course! Thank you.

I will keep you in my prayers!

You might talk to your hospice coordinator about this. I was a hospice vollenteer and our training helped us to come to accept death as a natural part of life.
We just lost my daughter in laws father at 62 from lung cancer. He put up a valiant fight but it took over his body and in the end he was so sick, his body could not go on.
It is a great mystery about death in general concerning God and the after life. I think I might be uncomfortable with the gallows humor involved in care giving and losing people daily.
I am hardly a professional though.

As a Nurse, I can understand what you mean, and you're right, it isn't really funny, but we do it anyway. I think it's because, on some level, everyone has an issue with death. Some are scared, some seem indifferent, and others say they don't care, but I think deep down the question of what's coming next gets to everyone. Especially when you are so close to it like in the medical field.

Personally, I see death as just the next step. Don't get me wrong, it scares me for sure, because what if I'm wrong? I have my faith, but there's no guarantee that what I have faith in is so. This being said, I believe it is merely the death of the vehicle that our soul has spent traveling in for however long we were blessed to travel in it. I don't believe the soul dies at all. Maybe the energy gets re-arranged a bit, but I think we go on in spirit form. At least this is what my faith tells me. Life is so much more than physical. I do not believe that this is all there is. I think it's a learning process and being human is just one lesson in the lesson plan.

I don't know if this helps any or not. I hope it does. I do like the idea of speaking with your hospice coordinator. I think that's a good idea. They may be able to offer you other ways of seeing things.

Hold on to your humor though, although dark sometimes, it is a healthy way of coping socially with a difficult stage of life.

Sad to leave behind our loved ones, things we liked but if we don't have anybody loving us or if we don't have anything close to our hearts in this world, best thing to do is die. Funny thing is we can't die when we want. We have to wait till it comes to us.

Perhaps you may benefit from hearing my perspective as an atheist.

I think this life is the only one we've got, and I regard death as the end, full stop, after which you are basically a carcass. I am also a biology student, and I know the processes by which the remains of an organism return to nourish the earth - we get the phrase 'pushing up daisies' from this. All the soil you see with grass growing from it is the remains of dead organisms and is also full of other life - fungi, bacteria, and small animals which not only live in but contribute to the soil.

What you may be fearful of perhaps is coming face-to-face with your own mortality.

Death, being the cessation of all body function, naturally includes the brain, and when the brain goes, so do we - our personalities, our memories, all we have been. The only 'living' we do after that point is in the memories of those whose lives we have touched who continue after us. We have no consciousness after we die. If you have ever been under general anesthesia, you know what that's like - you're up one moment, then you're up the next, with absolutely no awareness of the time when you're anesthetized. Death is like permanent general anesthesia.

Most people can't imagine this. Those who can don't like the idea of a general cessation of their experience, most of the time. I certainly don't; I wish I could be alive as long as I wished, because I want to see what happens and I want to do as many things as I can. (Perhaps I'll live long enough to see mind uploading, if it's remotely feasible, but I'm generally sure it isn't, given what I know about the brain and computers.)

Don't fuss too much about black humor. Just don't do it in front of the patients. Humor is one of the world's best coping mechanisms; it is mature and healthy.

In addition, just seeing death on a frequent basis is enough to affect anyone enough to need counseling. I suggest you find some.

In the old days they used to not really bother with people like during world war 2, because they got used to it, so they saw many deaths, that they just weren't bothered with in the end, it didn't sadden them no more, so that was random I know :\

((((((((((( pegs )))))))))))))

What a good question. I certainly can understand some confusion over having humor about death, even if dark and at the same time having respect for the one who has passed and their loved ones.

I have worked in nursing homes and been around death a lot there. I've also lost a lot of loved ones in my life. For myself, I find that after the tears and during the pain, I turn to humor to help me through it. Yes, sometimes the humor is dark, but I don't necessarily relate it to any particular individual, it's more about death in general, if that makes sense.

I do have my own personal beliefs about what does or does not happen after one's body has passed. After my mom passed away from brain cancer, my brother and I and a bunch of friends went out bowling. We had a few drinks, played a few games and had a great time. It was something that I know my mom would have wanted us to do as she loved bowling! It was something that helped me to feel like I was close to her and at the same time I was able to whip that ball down the lane and take my pain and anger out on the pins.

When my dad passed from a heart attack, we all gathered at my bother's house after the funeral for a big picnic and keg! We played horseshoes and talked and drank beer and toasted my dad. I know he was with us that day having a blast partaking in the party. We laughed, we told jokes and there was dark humor as well. It was all good and a wonderful way of working through our grief in a more positive way.

Some folks can't deal with the humor surrounding death. I would never want to insult them with my humor. But I truly see nothing wrong with dealing with death in that humorous way. One who is around it a lot needs to let it out or we would certainly become extremely depressed and burn out of our jobs much more quickly.

Like others have said, everyone needs to deal with things in their own way. Our brains must find a way to function through the pain and the sadness. Maybe, if there are those at work who need to let loose like that have a private place to discuss death and joke if need be away from those who do not find that kind of "dealing" appropriate would be a good work around?

xoxoxo

(((Pegasus)))

I know what I'd like to believe but who really knows? I read a lot of Sylvia Browne and consider myself a gnostic christian. I think we all write our life paths before we ever arrive here. It doesn't make any death easier to take, though.
You are a strong and courageous person for helping others like you do.

I work at a hospital, so I understand where you're coming from--it's a really difficult for me to wrap my head around emotionally as well since I have confusions with religion and one of my biggest fears is death--there is so much uncertainty.

So if I had an answer, I would give it to you--but I don't. Every person is different and same goes to their views and thoughts on afterlife and death. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I wish you luck on your ponderings. (((pegasus)))

When I lost my Nanna I was 250 miles away, yet i woke up at 4.22am in floods of tears, yet had a warm, peaceful feeling inside me. i did not know why until the following morning when i received a call from my mum giving me the news that nanna died at 20 past four that morning.
When my late partner died i was painting my nursery school 4 miles from the hospital, at 7pm i got an overwhelming feeling that i had to call his best friend and get him to visit my partner immediately, he did and found my partner had died at 7 pm!
I believe that God or whoever up there chooses people when he has a job for them to do, but he allows them time to say goodbye to one or two people on route.
I still imagine my late partner laying on his back on a cloud under a white VW camper van in his blue overalls up to his elbows in grease, happy as a pig in mud (he was called to fix Gods camper van! he was great at and loved driving, fixing and fiddling with VWs)

I am not scared of death, I believe it is a progression we all have to make when our purpose is complete here and when we are needed wherever we go after this life. we can try to speed it up or slow it down, but in the end we will not be allowed to leave this life until the next place is ready for us.
I am looking forward to see what is lined up for me when the time comes. a new adventure! (but not for a while yet i hope!)

I have heard the term gothic humor referring to the humor those that are around death, say as through their work, express. I think this is even more common with first responders, like Paramedics EMT's or doc's/ER nurses. Coping mechanism perhaps? or just not taking any of this life so serious. because it is so temporary here.
I am a nurse and have been with many end of life patients. I have always felt in as much awe of death as when I am present around the birth of someone. it is sacred somehow-being present- on either side. and I see others react a range of ways around death.
I am not sure there is any "one" way to approach death- your own, or the subject, or another persons, nor rights and wrongs about it. Our western culture keeps death in the background like it is this secret horrible thing. Some other cultures are open, children are included in end of life rituals- they see the body, they watch the burial or cremation. I see our society like having this neurosis when it comes to something so natural - leaves many people feeling so confused about it because we are not encouraged to look at what is.
just sharing random thoughts:-)

I too have read books by Sylvia Browne. I agree with what she says. I have studied lots over the years.

I do believe that, in great wisdom we chart each incarnation. And that when we leave, our soul is very much still alive. Only the human form dies. Bless your heart, Pegasis, for the wonderful work you are doing. And for asking the questions. So many good answers to your thoughtful and heart felt post.