[brokensoul1984]

I'm severely suffering with OCD (afraid to harm my family, child) and it's a real horror. Often I think that it would be better if i died. I'm afraid of knives, scissors, any kind of laces, iron... I'm scared to death to approach the window with my baby in my arms. My heart starts pounding if I see some of those "dangerous" things. I can't be cured medically because I'm breastfeeding and my beloved baby is just a few weeks old. It all started in a few days after childbirth and tortures me almost a month. At the moment I can't visit psychiatrist while I'm sitting home with a child. Please pray for me, give me advice and support. I live in a country, where I'll be considered "crazy, stupid monster" but I'm just sick. I hate myself, hate this ocd... I even started to hesitate in my belief in God and that's truly bad. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a killer and maniac. It hurts me bad. HELP

[sabby]

I'm so sorry you are suffering with these difficult thoughts and ideas. I'm wondering if what you are really suffering from though is post-partum (sp) depression? This happens to many women after giving birth and can be helped even if you are breast feeding. Please call your doctor and tell them what you are feeling and going through. You are not crazy, you are suffering an illness and you deserve to be treated and taken care of for your sake and that sake of your family.

You are in my prayers!

I'm no expert, but this sounds more like POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION than OCD ... Of course, it could be a combination of the two ... Regardless, I can't express how important it is for you to get professional help for this RIGHT NOW. This forum simply cannot provide you with the kind of help you need at this moment.

You say you can't see a psychiatrist because you're at home with a newborn ... For God's sake have the psychiatrist come to you then ... If you can't or won't do this, then at least have a trusted friend or relative with you 24-7 to protect the life of you and your child.

[sabby]

brokensoul, we do have a specific forum for postpartum depression, you will find it here -

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=112

Thanks sabby ... I'm hoping she'll get the help she needs ... I can't imagine how frightening it must be for her to be having these feelings with herself and the newborn. Poor thing.

[brokensoul1984]

Thanks a lot! I'm not staying alone at home or it happens rarely... I even try not to stay alone in a room and always have my phone near me

(((brokensoul1984))) ... Good to hear that ... I'll keep a candle going for you as I'm sure others here will too ... I'm glad you're doing what you can to take care of you and your newborn. I'll be keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

[brokensoul1984]

thanks guys I started searching a doctor, i think it's better even to take medical treatment and maybe switch to bottlefeeding. I would never hurt my child but still i can't take risk

[Thunder Bow]

What you are feeling is actualy quite normal. Don't be so hard on your self. That is worse than PPD or OCD can ever dish out.

[lindammarie]

I have no advice, but your posts (here and in the introduction thread) have touched my heart. I will be praying for you and those around you.

[WhiteClouds]

Hang in there Brokensoul. Post partum is actually treatable. It may be beneficial to begin seeing a T occasionally.. In regards to your spiritual health. "Feed" yourself more. Meaning give yourself some spiritual nourishment. This may be something small like starting your day by saying, "Thank you" to your higher power for 15 things before beginning your day. Or while in the shower pray/ meditate ( you may call it something different). Water provides a calming effect. I used the "higher power" word usage, I'm aware not everyone ascribe to the same faith. Nonetheless what we focus on is an important part of our spiritual and emotional health. Your emotions are already consumed with so many stressors and fears. Counteract those thoughts, fears with positives. Affirmations about yourself as a mother, as a woman, as a person.
Thus far we see that you're honest and brave. Those are commendable character traits. We also see that Spiritual health is important to you. With this said, you have support in the spiritual realm all you have to do is tap into it. Hang in there & Congratulations on your new beautiful bundle of JOY!

[kindachaotic]

Thanks dear one for reaching out for support.
Be safe, don't give up searching for help.
Will keep you in my prayers as well.

[brokensoul1984]

Thank you all good people! I've actually demanded from my family to find me a doctor and they agreed i hope they will do it, despite they still don"t believe me. In my country this is more complicated to find a good specialist. I also want to go to priest we have a church nearby. I'm fighting for my health as hard as I can and I'm deeply touched by your support. I don't get that much at home husband just told me I'm stupid and mom sad that I have no will and don't wan't to fight. Anyway I won't give up...

[lindammarie]

It is hard when there are negative voices in your life. So many times we are tempted to believe the voices of others rather than our own. It is obvious (to me anyway) that you are not stupid and that you ARE fighting.

I support you in your intention to NOT GIVE UP!

[Thunder Bow]

Spiritual Health is having a Connection to All There Is!

[brokensoul1984]

It's gone worse guys, now I can't stay alone with my child at all. Even if someone is near I feel horrible... Now I doubt everything and it seems I'm capable of anything and I even thought that in my subconscious I want to do bad things...

So I'm not staying alone even in the room, I warned everyone I could be dangerous. I had a panic attack I was scared to death that I'll hurt my child, so I had to stop feeding it and give it to my dad... poor thing cried... God, it cuts me into pieces

Thanks God in a few days (we have holidays now) I'm gonna visit the doctor. I need to know for sure I'm not dangerous. I have those panic attacks all the time and I'm tired, so tired... hope doctor helps me