This is my first post here. I was just looking around and reading. Can someone please tell me why this seems so scary to me? As I read, it is not that I have not heard this before about different things, but I am finding it very scary to me. I am afraid that I cannot be loved by God. I sometimes go to church but I find myself getting tears in my eyes and being terrified of what is being said or done. I could not heal as those in the church felt that I should. I was not able to just give my past to the Lord and be okay. I was not able to just say verses and not need to talk about what happened to me. I needed outside therapy and that was not okay. Plus it had to be by a christian therapist that was approved. The pastor and my ex-husband (he was not my ex when this happened) went to the therapist first and came back to tell me it was okay but that if I did not improve in 6 months, I would no longer be supported. In the 6 months, I did not get well or better and was not supported so I quit therapy and withdrew. Later, I went back into therapy and was not with someone that they thought was good for me and I went with the pastors wife and quit yet again. Now, I go to church sometimes but I am scared to death. No one knows that I am not well. I just do not tell anyone and I smile and put on a front so not to be judged or in trouble. I just do not talk anymore to anyone. I just do not understand why talk of God scares me and that I feel that I am doomed. I am shaking because I do not understand.

[(JD)]

(((hugs)))

Sometimes depression makes us hear only the bad stuff... and makes us believe all of it about ourselves. It can be tough to find God's love from any sermon that also mentions some of the negative things in the world.

Keep doing your best. God DOES love you!

Six months is not a very long time to deal with the bigger issues of our lives, esp if it's with someone you aren't comfortable with, a T your now ex picked out is not a good fit. imo.

I hope you will continue to try to do good self care, find a T that is trained and that you feel you can work with. It sounds like trust is still a big issue for you, and you are unsure of who is on your side.

God knows where you are and how you are struggling. :heart_sin: