[rubysun]

i am not usually at a loss for words. but i am struggling a bit with this question i wish to ask.

i realized the other day that i spend a great deal of time dealing with what the entities, or voices, want of me. they have their own lives and stories and i feel like i am holding their universe in my hands. sometimes i think that if i could just shake myself hard enough they would all fall out of me.

they have lived around me, and perhaps inside of me, for so long i don't think i can remember what it's like to not have them here. i'm 37 and they have been around since i was 12.

i worry it is another disorder. like dissociative identity disorder. and that my doctor has it all wrong.

what i wish somebody would tell me is if this is a normal experience for people with schizoaffective disorder or not.

i know many of their names and their thoughts and i worry it is really people who live close to me or who once did and i am spying on them. and it goes the other way, too. often i'm the one being listened to.

ha. am i a normal person with schizoaffective disorder? oh boy.

thanks for reading

Hi Rubysun!

I don't have an answer for you, but I know what it's like when I post and nobody responds. So I just wanted to let you know that I read what you said and am contemplating the question. I may come back later with some insight once I've mulled it over.

Interestingly (to me anyway) are the "prominent thought patterns" in my head. I don't say voices because they are not external. I don't say thoughts because they are louder than thoughts. I can drown out my thoughts with music but these prominent thought patterns can always be heard. So far nobody has been able to give me an explanation of what the heck it is I'm experiencing. So if you have any insight or wisdom to give me that would be nice.

Love and hugs,
Tara