diary

I don't want to overwhelm the schizoaffective bios, so I've decided to keep a little record here, as much as I can (if I get very paranoid I'll probably stop till I'm feeling a bit better) of how schiz is affecting me day to day.

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago I had a REALLY bad few days over the weekend, and the emergency doctor had to come out. He temporarily increased my meds, I started to feel perfectly normal again, and even started wondering if I was really mentally ill. Perhaps, I thought, I've just imagined it, because I needed a label for my mental distress.

The doctor suggested I slowly titrate down, but I forgot to order in new meds, over a bank holiday weekend. I had to make do with a reduced dose from Friday till Thursday. So I went down from 450 to 350 over night.

My son's preparing for some important exams. I've been helping him revise. He's aspie, and very much a perfectionist, and was getting very stressed by his exams. So was I. My stress levels have increased over the last week.

My meds are now down to 400, and last night I tried to bring it back down to 350.

I couldn't sleep at all, ended up talking to a friend on the phone in the early hours of the morning. She was awake too, so it wasn't the worst thing I could have done.

Today I couldn't leave the house. Yesterday the same, I cancelled church. Today I couldn't get into my voluntary job, and I had to cancel a meeting with my son's teachers. The secretary I spoke to seemed snotty with me. I don't have a printer, so I'd sent my son's typed homework to the school to be printed off. The English teacher wrote back saying that my son had an anthology of poetry. I wrote back saying... yes, I know that. We've been writing from it for the past couple of weeks. It was obvious that the English teacher barely even read my email, I wasn't asking her to print out poetry, but to print out Séamus' essays that I'd set for homework.

So now I am feeling like the school despise me, and they're all talking about me behind my back, saying I'm a disorganised crackpot mother, not only that, a bad mother. The antipsychotics have taken the edge off that fear, at least they're voices in my head, and not externalised shouting at me. But I'm feeling fearful and paranoid about the school. I'm convinced that I've done something terrible to my son, and I'll make him fail all his exams, or somehow contaminate him with my craziness.

It's important I write this down... so next time I feel "normal", and think there's nothing wrong with me, at least I have an honest record. I can't believe that so recently I felt perfectly at peace with myself, and in control of my life, and now I've got a case of the crazies coming on again.

This isn't psychoses, I'm not as bad as I have been in the past. No external voices, but I've been seeing things again from the corner of my eye. When my son went to church yesterday I kept looking out the window because I heard banging. I'd have had things "touch" me. Just cold fingers, feathers, etc.

So, that's where I am today.

Thanks guys for listening.

Also discovered today that I had seventy pounds I'd not known about. I could actually have gone to the meeting for my son in a taxi.

How on earth can I lose seventy quid around the house? It's unbelievable.

Coming up to five am. Decided sleep is entirely out of the question, so I'm going to get up and have a bath.

Well, this is weird... I'm not feeling in the least bit "ill," but I'm turning insular again, can't find the energy to cook or clean, am falling behind with bills, and fairly recently I've been seeing "messages" on the television, like subliminal messages. Though I've not seen that for a week, so I may be coming out of it. I'm back to sleeping a lot, and not wanting to leave the house. And yet, though I've got a whole bunch of symptoms, I simply don't feel in the slightest bit unwell. ?

It's half two in the morning, and I already know that I've lost all of tomorrow. This morning I woke up so weary that I collapsed after my son went to school... crawled upstairs and lay down, not even sleeping properly, just being "gone" away from myself. Forced myself to move at about half twelve...

Well, I know tomorrow (or later today) will be the same, since if I'm not asleep before midnight I'm useless for the next day. I have to get these bloody meds sorted.

Today has been a very bad day. I've had a falling out with my son's school, the details of which are long and tedious, so I'll not bore you with them. My son's head of house and the student support officer have really let him down, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust them again. Add to that the fact that I was barely able to move today, and you can imagine just how dejected and despairing I feel. All this I'll have to hide when he gets home.

Well, we had a decent enough weekend, went to a surprise birthday bash. The journey home was long and very stressful, and on arrival I discovered a nasty letter from my son's school about the incident I described. They accept no responsibility. I was up crying past three am in the morning here, and phoned Samaritans. Got a woman who seemed almost completely non responsive. When I stopped speaking there were such long silences on the phone that I thought it had gone dead, so in the end I apologised and hung up. I don't know if that's how they're trained, or if I just got a nervous newby.
Today I am feeling better, but I must admit the combination of seeing my family (which always depresses me) and this letter, plus the fact that a family pet died this weekend (a friend was looking after him for us) really did plunge me into a very deep depression. Also, I have realised that I'm a minor extra in my brother's life. He's a man who values photographs, everything he values is laid out in pictures all over his house. Photos of every family member... and yet the only picture he has of me is standing to the side in one of his wedding photos... I just happened to be there. At my Dad's surprise birthday do one of his friends turned up, on introduction to my brother said, "oh I've heard all about you..." and proceeded to relay a list of my brother's hobbies and achievements. Then having been introduced to me he puckered his forhead trying to place me, before confessing, "I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive me, I can't place you." I'm just the other child... the one nobody talks about. I feel like I've been vanished from the family, just as my mother was. My brother has no pictures of her, and has only just told his eldest daughter (seven) that she had a granny at all... up until recently she had thought our stepmother was our biological mother. I've been relegated to the status of "ghost" in our family.
I heard on the radio that St Augustine once said "resentment is like taking a poison and hoping the other person dies." I'm wondering if that is what I've done with the family, as well as the school, whether I should have just kept my big yap shut and ignored the problem. I do feel like I've comprehensively fcked up my son's life. He's had interrupted schooling, disrupted home life with my mental and my husband's physical illness, I just feel as though everything I've done is wrong, that I've ruined his chances in life. I keep looking forward to the day when I'll be able to die. I don't want to take my own life, because it would break people's hearts, but I wish there was some way I could do it to make it look like an accident.

Feeling better at the moment, been very emotionally unstable the last few days, was banging my head on Thursday, but I don't remember why now. Yesterday also very upset, but today okay. I'm reducing seroqeul, so far none of the nausea that plagued me last time, feeling stronger as a result, like I can do it this time. The other symptoms are manageable, though the twitching is annoying me, and I think I'll have lost about a stone in a fortnight if my appetite doesn't come back. Not that that would be a problem. I'm drinking lucozade at the moment to keep my energy up. I made the mistake of having soup and a baked potato yesterday... today I'm not eating anything, that really didn't work out too good.

But I'm definitely thinking I can do this now... got to see the doc next week. Fingers crossed.

Five am and I haven't slept.

Wasn't as exhausted today as I thought I would be, managed to do motherly things, like buy shoes for my rapidly growing son (his feet have gone from size six at the start of the last summer holidays, to size eleven and a half as this summer holiday starts. In English sizes you can't buy shoes over twelve unless you go online to specialist shoe makers.)

I also managed to talk to the landlady about getting the fence fixed for my doggy friend, and she's fine about it. Mentioned the front door needs the lock mending, and she's given me permission to put in a gate when the fence is fixed. Discovered where the wasps' nest is, and although it may not be the most vegan friendly thing I've ever done, I'm going to have to get the council to come and sort it.

I did also go on a spending spree... took my son for an expensive meal. But curtailed myself... I've still got to pay the handyman.

OK, posted a long spiel, and lost it. But I had a horrible fright today, and think I might get ill again over it. I have to let it go, I don't want the doctor to think it's the med reduction stressing me, but I'm shaky and terrified about it. Spoke to my father, he tells me it's nothing to worry about. It feels like it coincides with a dream I had a week or two ago.

Court was scary today, I'd have run away if my case worker wasn't with me. Thank God she was... in order to reduce the amount of money I had to pay the court ordered that I serve a day in custody, and now all I have to pay is twenty six pounds. But it was a real fright to me, knowing that my son was home by himself and didn't know what was going on. However, he's fifteen, and though aspie he was okay. They let me out about half past four, so I didn't even serve a full day. But still it was scary. Funnily enough I'm quite calm about it now. And at least the fine is now payable.

Didn't leave the house till after dark. My son was away all day, and I did nothing. Well, one of my support workers came around to fill in papers because I'm being discharged from that agency... the government cuts have meant that they can't keep clients on indefinitely as before (they only let them go when they were improved to a certain standard.) So, we filled in questionnaires to see how well I'm doing now as opposed to three or four months ago. I've improved in all areas apart from managing finances and keeping the house clean (personal coping skills.) This time last year I wouldn't have been well enough for discharge, but now they have to shuffle people off as quickly as possible. I'll cope.

The other thing which made me really sad today is that a very kind man finally told me via text that he "couldn't stop thinking about me." I had to let him down, but it brought up some very painful emotions. I still feel married to my husband. I love him, I think about him everyday. So I've been crying a lot, because I miss him like crazy. I know the chap who texted me today doesn't mean any harm, and I did my best to be kind about it, but I've really been thinking today how much I miss my man, and that there will never be anyone else for me. I'll never have another child, I'll never make love again, I'll never lie curled up in bed warm and comfortable with the smell of his hair and the touch of his skin. I miss him.

Can't sleep. Half three in the morning, I didn't sleep last night either... very tired, but can't sleep.

Was away for a week visiting family, came right back to a horrible situation... my landlady has posted a letter saying that my neighbours have expressed concern about my getting a dog (she's a "death row" dog that I've sponsored so she won't be put down.) I haven't got her yet, but was working hard to dog proof the house and garden... now my neighbours have been bad mouthing me behind my back, and I can't offer her a home anymore. This confirms to me every suspicion I've ever had about how they see me, and I've been plunged back into absolute misery. My son is away for another week, and I can't stop crying. If it wasn't for him I would absolutely kill myself. But I have to see him through his teenage years.

Today hasn't felt much better. Still crying, haven't been able to step out my front door. Fed the cat, put out one bin bag. That's all I've been able to manage. heated up an frozen meal, ate it. Drinking coffee and soya milk, I've got a big bottle of ginger ale for tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to leave the house.

Haven't left the house.

Friends turned up to give me a lift to church, I said I was feeling poorly. The minister and his wife turned up, I coudln't let them in. They prayed for me at the front door.

Think I should phone the doctor tomorrow.

Now I just feel like a *****. I did phone the doctor, she said to increase my quetiapine, which I'd already done. Asked me if I needed sleeping tablets, I said no. I didn't want her to know that I still had sleeping tablets from last time, and I've been taking them. So she thinks my sleeping is okay, which it isn't. The truth is right now I just want to sleep my life away. Spoke to my housing officer, she's coming out tomorrow at half two, I told her about the problem with the landlady. She's said that she'll try to persuade her about the dog, but I don't think I can face getting the yard dog proofed, which had been my plan for this week. I told the housing officer that I feel bad about what the landlady said about my neighbours, and that I feel frightened to be seen by them. It sounds pathetic.

And a friend from church texted me, and I texted her back a curt little lie, I said I felt fine. And I've not been answering the phone today. It's hard to talk to anyone.

Feeling like I had a couple of small triumphs. I had a bath, since my smell was offending me... has been for a couple of days, but I couldn't raise the energy to bathe. Now I've done it, and washed my hair. I had meant to do the dishes today, but feeding the cat, and keeping myself clean will have to be enough. I finally spoke to someone from church, and talking to another human being made me feel better. I'm still down, but not drowning.

Had something important to say... now that I've got here I can't remember what.

It was the wasps... I figured out what they meant, why they bothered me so much. When creatures dy it's always a bad sign. It means something's coming to an end, and not a nice end, but a failure of some sort. Like my jobs, when there's been dead or injured animals, birds and snakes. And wasps mean something to me as well, the neighbours here are wasps, they've been against me. All the times I thought I was being paranoid, I was actually quite correct. Now somebody has poisoned the wasps nest and I wanted to leave it till they were dying anyway, so they could live longer and pollinate the flowers. I don't like that someone (probably the landlady) can come to my house and put poison in it without telling me. And I know she was in the house, because why else would she complain about the state of it? So it feels like I'm surrounded by little buzzy spies.

Mgran,
I loved your diary. You are a very nice "ghost".
My kids are 30, 26, and 23 and I am ruining and have ruined their lives with my mental illness. They are all bipolar too. My grandkids are 10 and 7. The 10 year old is an Aspie too. Try to remember that the outsiders WILL mess with your family. It isn't just simple theatrics. They took my boys at 11 and 13 years old. Not to return until 18 and angry. They took my daughter at 16. Fight for you life.
In June, I was evicted because of my boys' behavior and my illness. They hate having the mentally ill in their neighborhoods in California. I don't do well with change. I am living with my daughter, her husband, and the grandkids in a 2 bedroom house. Just me and a duffle bag. Everything else is in 2 big storage lockers. My boys are homeless- couch surfing with what few friends they have.

I'm so sorry, Grandma... so sorry that you were evicted. The worst thing that I could imagine would be if they took my son from me. This is why I'm fighting hard to remain sane, or passing, and why I started taking the meds (which do help.) But you're right, the "sane" can smell when something is different, and they sense that we're odd. This is why my housing officer is so important. In the UK we have agencies that work to keep the mentally ill in good housing. She's helped so much with helping me sort out my debts. I believe that I can hang on for another few years at least, till my son finishes college... I do have to take it one day at a time. Today is a better day. I'm being given a lift to the doctor's this afternoon. It will be the first time I've left the house since Friday. And another friend has said she's coming round to take me over to hers for the night. She's going to try and feed me some simple soup, which hopefully will stay down. I haven't really eaten since Friday either... a bar of chocolate and a dozen jaffa cakes. Ran out of milk and have been drinking water and black coffee.

If they can get me out of the house perhaps it will break this horrid pattern I'm in, trapped in the house. I've been here before, and got beyond it. I've got to try to pull myself together before my son gets home. If nothing else, I need to buy some food in for the house.

Hi Grandma;

This is the first time I have read this. I don't know if you are new or have been here.....I have major depression and I too felt that I had ruined my kids life. For me it was the fact they inherited mental illness from me. I realized though that I got it myself from somewhere. May be an aunt, a great grandmother etc.......so I don't bame them for something that just happened thru genetics. My kids all have some sort of issue but then there is all kinds of things out there to help. There are tools they can learn to deal with the illness etc. They all have a chance to suceed in what ever they desire. It may be harder but thats o.k.

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. Its no fun to live out of a duffle bag. May things get better for you. Mental illness is indeed hard and normal people do not understand what we all go through and the torment we feel inside our minds!!!

Thinking of you;
Hugs and more hugs;
Dee

It's REALLY nice to be heard. I don't feel so alone. Thanks for the kind words too.