diary

Thanks Tarmyg.

Today I just went to bed after my son went to school, surfaced about half twelve. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I'm just relieved that my head's on straight.

I've been very very sick, diarrhoea and vomiting all night, couldn't keep my meds down at all. To be honest, I've been feeling off all week physically, since Monday, and found it very hard to eat. I didn't realise how poorly I was digesting my food till last night... perhaps that's why I had my blip, the meds aren't as effective when I've got an upset tummy. I've had the return of some voices, particularly at night, but I'm able to ignore them so far. But I went to the chemist today, and he gave me some medicine that's compatible with my regular meds that should help my stomach pass the food in the right direction, so that my meds will be properly digested rather than just sitting there stewing.

Sorry to be so gross, but I'm kind of relieved that my blip hasn't been caused by nothing.

I'm sorry you were so sick, but I agree it must be a relief to know why things haven't been going so well.

Hope you're feeling better now.

Thanks Costello, yes... continuing to feel better, I think the blip is over. I need to recognise that I get blips, but not panic when they happen. Being aware is what staves off worse problems. Probably the most dangerous time is when I'm feeling really well, and start thinking I should come off the meds since there's nothing wrong. I really do wish that I could at the very least cut down on them though.

I panic at blips too. <Sigh!> Despite a lifetime of evidence to the contrary, I always fall into the trap of thinking that if things are bad right now then everything's going to hell in a handbasket. And if things are great right this very minute, I'm thinking, "Woohoo! I've got this thing licked!"

They say here that if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes. And we could equally say, if you do like the weather, wait five minutes.

Really really dejected today. But there is a reason... I won't see my son till Thursday, and my period started today. Not to mention the horrible time of year, which always gets me way down.

Worrying about my memory... I found a new contact on my phone, "Julia", and can't remember adding her. I deleted the number, I was too embarassed to call her to see if she was real. What do I say, "hi... I added your number in the last week or so, but I have no idea who you are?" I mean, I don't add people unless I really feel like I know and trust them, so this must be someone more than a mere acquaintance. So how come I don't remember adding her, or meeting her, or indeed anyone at all, anywhere, anywhen, who I've ever known, called "Julia"?

Not to mention the embarassing fact that I found myself on the edge of town not at all sure how I'd arrived there. I was on the phone talking to my ex, when I suddenly realised I had no idea how I'd got where I'd gone. This "getting lost" thing has happened before, and sometimes buying things, but this is the first time in a long time.

Me too. All of the above. I figure it's age, stress, or distraction. Or some combination of those. It makes me sad, because I used to be so proud of my excellent memory.

I've been gradually acquainting myself with the fact that my memory is failing over the last year or so... when I check my messages on this forum for example I keep finding examples of very poor grammar, syntactical hiccups etc. I used to be absolutely perfect... not a spelling mistake, pitch perfect. But I was to sit and type say three hundred words in a row, I bet you there would be at least one mistake, perhaps more. Not counting the obvious synatical errors when I'm just typing what's on my mind (who tries to be grammatical then?) It just bothers me that I can't write a couple of hundred words without mucking up somewhere.

Yes... age, that's as likely to be the problem as anything else.

Well, maybe I'm obsessing about things... I realised that it's three am, and I'm not at all tired... last time I was this past myself my son was away. So, there is a pattern. Really... I need to get a life of my own.

Welcome to empty nest syndrome.

Crap, how am I going to get past this one?

When my son moved out, I was surprised at how lost I felt and a little amazed that he'd actually occupied so much of my attention. However, as you know, my son came back to the nest. So I would say that when you start to stress about it, remind yourself that this is supposed to happen and the alternative is not so good.

Difficult Christmas, my cousin committed suicide, and was only found three weeks after the event. God help my poor aunt.

Im so sorry to hear about your cousin mgran..... tragic. ((( your family )))

I am so sorry, mgran. My condolences.

Really sorry to hear of your loss, Mgran. ((((HUG))))

very sorry to hear of your familys loss (((((you and family)))))

Sorry to hear what happened.
Hope you are ok

So very sorry for your loss, mgran. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you all. He was eleven years younger than I was, and I babysat for him. All I can remember now is the times I told him off for being naughty (as all boys are.) His mum (my aunt) suffers from mental ill health anyway, I fear this will tip her over the edge. He drowned himself in Ireland and his body washed up in Scotland. They had to identify him by dental records. For three weeks everyone was hoping the suicide note was a cry for help and that he would turn up alive. If anyone is reading this who is suicidal, please remember that no matter how much you think nobody cares, no matter if you think your suicide note absolves others of blame, it will still hurt those left behind, more than you can imagine. Anyone out there with faith, please pray for my aunt. The worst thing has happened to her, please God this experience saves someone else from making the same tragic choice that my cousin did.

It is a bad day when your body fights itself. Thankfully the medical field can assist with that (sometimes).

This is true. Horrible to lose a child. One day a friend of mine suddenly said with great feeling, "I pray every day that none of my children die before me." I asked her why. She told me she saw how her sister's suicide had destroyed her parents.

My replacement appointment has finally come through. It's taken over eight months, and I am hopeful that they won't cancel it at the last minute again, because the day before hand is a bank holiday and they won't be able to post a cancellation in time to give me twenty four hours notice. Only problem is it's half nine in the morning, and I struggle sometimes that early on. However, I'm determined to make it, even if I have to set off as soon as my son has left for school. I'll still be awake then, and if I get to the surgery an hour early it won't matter if I'm dopey, I won't be able to fall asleep and miss it.

I've got to get through to them how sick and tired I am of being weary all the time, that I'm worried about my memory at times, and that I don't like being fat. It could be that they change the meds to something that will not have as many side effects. Last time I tried to reduce seroquel it didn't work out too well. I know I'll have to stay on something, but I think wanting to lose weight isn't just about vanity, it's also the case that I'm running the risk of developing diabetes, etc.

I know the meeting will only be for a few minutes, but they might be able to get some more support in place, like a talk therapy, or CBT counselling etc.

i am glad u got your appointment mgran. i hope everything goes your way.