[brackenbeard]

I'm just gunna dive in...

I seem to have this belief that I'm crazy. Crazy in a bad way. Crazy like off the deep end. I think my intrusive thoughts are part of why I think this. They're so ****ed up. Even though I've learned to manage them. They still make me wary. I also easily become obsessed with women in the sense that I fantasize a lot, but that's about normal things (at least to me). Having a relationship. The things that go on. The feelings that might be exchanged, etc... etc..
I'm aware of the strangeness of it all, but...
There was one girl that has been stuck in my head for years. It's like she remained in my thoughts, and those thoughts would pop up daily. I'm afraid to talk about it with my therapist, and have only mentioned it in passing to one friend. This girl I would consider a friend, we still respond through e-mail and talk about our lives.

I fear people validating I'm crazy. I fear that I am crazy, but almost all of me knows better and thinks that's bs. If you met me you'd meet a great guy that gets a little anxious, but is through and through a good person who cares. is trustworthy. is magnanimous. is fun. can be light, and serious. can joke, and have fun.

my common sense says I'm definetly sane. But their are these lurking fears. i want to address them.

this kind of sums it up...

what’s stopping us?
fear. uncertainty. fear.
that we will be crazy
and they will validate it
and we will be forever ****ed up
and alone
with nothing to comfort us
til death.

[volatile]

I think if you realize that the only thing holding you back is yourself you will be able to shake off that fear and move on. There is no such thing as crazy. You need to stop repressing your true self. This society is sick, not you. I hope you can remove yourself enough from these ******** labels that you can see yourself for what you are, completely sane. Do not let the people around you define who and what you are, and that includes the institution of psychology.

(just to be perfectly clear I am not demeaning your feelings and thoughts or your suffering. It is very real what you're feeling and going through, but thinking that it is permanent or something to fear is completely unfounded and you need to get rid of that thought pattern or you will never grow. I know it's hard espeically since they are constantly beating that stuff into your head, but there is nothing wrong with who you are, regardless of what ANYONE says to you.)

I honestly believe you will be okay and I hope you can believe it too. I believe we will all be okay one day and there is nothing to fear.

[brackenbeard]

thanks for those words, it means a lot. I continue to work on myself everyday, trying to get over the fear other people provoke in me. Just trying to carve out a little piece of peace and comfort in my life. I say my affirmations everyday attempting to restore faith in myself, to worry less, and overcome my fear. I'm definetly breaking out of the mold of caring what others think, and today I really finally made some progress.

I am hopeful. I'm going to continue giving updates to this site whose people are truly genuine. I love posting here.
thanks people
- B