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#1
Feb 18, 2014, 11:00 AM
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Since I was a little kid, perhaps middle school, I have wanted bad things to happen to me. The reason why I bring this up is because my med compliance issue is due in large part to the not caring about myself and wanting bad things to happen to me. For instance, when I was in middle school, someone would break their arm and I would wish the same thing upon myself; almost as if I am jealous of the person with the broken arm. Obviously it has escalated to me wanting to be the person in the car that just wrecked on some high way, a girl that got raped by someone, etc. I have a sick fantasy of wanting bad things to happen to me. Obviously, as I stated early, it now caused me to stop my medicine previously (I am currently back on them because I was caught). I get this idea that I don't care what happens to me. So what if the schizophrenic side of schizoaffective disorder is extremely progressive as my doctor had mentioned before.... I WANT to be at my worst possible state.
Why in the hell do I think like this and am I alone in the struggle to fix it? I told my psychologist I have 5% left of me that actually wants to change. If I wait any longer, I will go psychotic...for good. So, yes, I am currently working on it and finding the underlying causes for it. But It has only been a day (I met my psychologist yesterday). Any ideas?
__________________
"I've said I have been running hard, so hard at times I feel I must give in. What breaks you brings you hope. It takes you there and gets you back again. Everybody knows the world isn't always easy. Guess it goes to show,YOU can shape your own design. Hello, hello! I am alive again!" |
 pandarama123456789, Secretum
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#2
Feb 20, 2014, 10:33 AM
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The question is:what is it that makes it beneficial for you to be at your worst? Caring people, attention, get to react as bad as you want and call it your illness, didn't get care as a child and feel you don't deserve it so you deserve the worst?
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#3
Feb 20, 2014, 02:40 PM
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I can really relate to this. I don't have any answers, but I know how hard it is to want the worst for yourself and not know why. Maybe try to imagine good things happen to you, and try to want them? I sometimes imagine myself being successful, and I realize that I want success more than I want to be sick.
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I dwell in possibility-Emily Dickinson Check out my blog on equality for those with mental health issues (updated 12/4/15) http://phoenixesrisingtogether.blogspot.com 
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#4
Feb 21, 2014, 12:20 PM
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Quote:
My response to that question is I believe part attention. I am working it out in therapy. But I am not sure what it really is. However, my gut leans to attention.
__________________
"I've said I have been running hard, so hard at times I feel I must give in. What breaks you brings you hope. It takes you there and gets you back again. Everybody knows the world isn't always easy. Guess it goes to show,YOU can shape your own design. Hello, hello! I am alive again!" |
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#5
Feb 21, 2014, 05:34 PM
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Good that you're working it out. I feel the same about the worst issues being my lot in life. My reason is because I've learned to expect nothing good. Have to learn more positive thoughts to replace that with. Good luck.
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 1989FREEtoFLY
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