[hartbroken]

I have no joy and my face is expressionless. Schizoaffective does this expressionless thing to people. It's a symptom called flat affect. I feel dead inside. I suffer things nobody knows about because it's a silent disease. Very hard to explain unless you've had it before. Anybody here has probably had it.

I don't want to live anymore. This is not a suicidal note. I will live. But I don't really want to. There's too much silent suffering, where I can't be sure anybody really knows what I'm truly going thru. There is confusion. Frustration and anger. Questions and doubt about who I am. Do I make a difference? Will I not feel anything joyful for the rest of my life? Will life hold meaning for me, at some point?

Then, there's the moral questions - am I a good person? Have I done what I could to make amends and stay away from doing things that harm others and myself?

Do I have a choice in suffering? Does coping skills only cover up a deeper problem that ought to be pursued? Or have I psyched myself out for too long? What if all this is unnecessary? What if I'm the bad guy in all this?

I'm hoping by sharing my questions others with the same illness may be able to identify with them. And feel free to ask more questions. Answer some of them if you can.

[worthit]

Before therapy and medication I thought the same way you do. What's the point? Should I even be living? No joy. Expressionless. I still have a flat affect and I hate it. I wish I could be more interested in other people and life. But it's getting better. That is one thing I'm thankful for. There are good days and bad days but at least they aren't all bad days like the past 50 years without medication. I hope you're on medication and working with a therapist, a good one. I went through 4 to find one that really is good for me. Good luck.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[deeronjepsuhn]

I suffer mildly from this "flat effect" you described.

[avlady]

i suffer greatly from the flat effect. i hardly can ever laugh i keep things inside, am an introvert. i get scared sometimes when im talking to people, i don't know why, maybe because i get anxiety attacks in the middle of a conversation.i hurt inside alot and analyize everything people say and do, i'm very shy too. i am not as shy on this forum as i can post when im doing good or even bad.

[schizoaffective]

I'm completely flat. My face is like a mask. This is fine if you're a soldier or policeman, but it's not much use for socialising - which is probably one reason why I don't socialise at all.

I am not unhappy with this, because behind the mask my mind is in complete turmoil - and to convey this message to everyday people I may meet would cause problems.

Another advantage of the flat effect is that it makes you look incredibly young - a bit like botox.

I know there is no cure for me - but inside my head there are lots of weird things happening at any given time, so I am never bored. I have conversations with the multitude of characters who seem to have taken up residence in my mind, so I am never lonely.

Some people say I'm a poor, sad person. But the opposite is true - although I do suffer terrible mood swings and delusions.

I never feel guilty about anything, as it serves no purpose - although I am remorseful for any of my wrongdoings.

When someone I know dies, I do not feel emotionally upset, at least in any normal sense - but I certainly do appreciate the tragedy of their passing.

I guess to some people I might seem a bit cold, but in fact I have an inner warmth which few could detect.

One of the consequences of having been born with Schizoaffective Disorder is that there is this enormous "disconnect" with other people. My use of verbal language is okay, but it's the body language which I cannot manage- that indefinable magic between two people that puts them at ease with one another, and allows them to become friends. No pills can cure that - so I'm stuck with it.

Do I want to live to a ripe old age? Yes.

Why? Because that is my right, and I have my place in the world - same as everybody else.

I actually have absolutely no idea of who I am and what is going on - but I owe it to myself to at least stay the course and find out what the future holds for me.

[worthit]

Very well said. Thank you. I also have a mask face because of the flat affect. And it makes me look a lot like younger. People can't believe I'm almost 60. It's because I almost never smile and when i do, the facial muscles can't work together for a symmetric smile.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[sweetmadness]

It is somewhat annoying, I get you. When I was little I could beat all the kids at camp at staring contests. LOL. But, as an adult it gets annoying. You're no longer the cute kid, you're the cute adult. There are some good things. I've been told I look younger than 25 but I'm starting to look my age more. Just saying, don't give up on yourself. Everyone has struggles, and being the victim of this illness may be a major pain but I've realized that it's not the worst thing that could happen, I mean that sincerely. I still have my faith in God, I still take care of my health, etc.

I do have trouble socializing, and people in town have seen me crazy. It makes me nervous.