….so different from this hell I'm living.

One line from a very sad song that sums up just about everything going through my head right now. The shadows, the voices…the bullies, torturing me with evil thoughts, planting the intrusive thinking deep within my brain behind a locked door with no key. I want those thoughts gone and I can't set them free. When I try to voice them no one hears. When I'm put on the spot they keep me from freely thinking. I cannot escape and they are currently ruling my life.

Possible trigger:

To wake up daily, looking over at my pretty wife and I can't even admire her beauty. All I can think of is how I can end it. How I can escape to never return. Why do they want me dead? Why? Why do these vicious demons feed my head with such pain an agony. Why do they torture me? Why won't they let me be free. I hate that they are there, I hate that I can see them, and what's worse, I hate that I can hear them. Their whispered laughter ringing in my ears, mocking me as I try to beat them. Calling me names, calling me weak. Telling me that I am nothing and never will be. I try to sleep to avoid them. They scream in my house all hours. To wake up to the sound of someone being brutally beaten and torn apart, just to see there is nothing there. They whisper foul things in my ear as I sleep… I can't look at my wife. THe things they claim she says, they things they claim she thinks. I feel so out of my damn head that I almost want to believe them. And I know that if I don't end this soon I will end up breaking her heart. I have already pushed so many people away on account of they hellish figures that have taken over. These destroyer of lives….

Lets not get started on the spies…

I am trying to get through this. I am seeing a team of 4 docs that are trying to make heads or tails of what is going on in my head. I am trying to keep moving forward. I'm falling on my face and they push my head in the mud as I try to stand back up….I feel like my heart is breaking..

[ladisputelover]

I'm so sorry you feel this way.
I'm even more sorry because I know how it feels. It's absolutely horrible and terrifying and just awful.
I hate living like this as well but we can try, together.
Keep posting, keep seeing doctors, keep talking to your t.
We will get through this come hell or high water. We have to.
Please take care of yourself; I'm always here if you need to talk.

[jaynedough]

Oh, ChaoticInsanity! I feel so bad for you. Is there anything I can do?

Ladisputelover has some very wise words indeed. Please take them to heart.

I'm trying. I really am. I'm not on meds because of health issues and I'm starting ect as last resort..

[Crazy Hitch]

The fairy tales never told us our genuine self would split into our genuine self and this "other thing".

But our genuine self is always there.

My genuine self just sings to this pathetic other self

Genuine self always wins though.

They left that out of the fairy tale.

We should re-write it.

Foolish Games.

That is the Fairy Tale no one read to us.

Genuine self wins over this other thing.

Well they didn't get it all that wrong in fairy tales.

Good does conquer evil in fairy tales you know.

Cinderella's goodness beat the ugly sisters?

This other thing didn't win.

Snow White won.

She beat the evil witch.

Three Billy Goats Gruff.

They beat the troll.

Little Red Riding Hood.

She beat the Wolf.

I could go on and on.

We just didn't understand the forces of "good" and "evil" in these stories.

We thought they were two separate entities.

Wrong.

It was just one.

Us.

Our genuine self and this other thing.

Oh well.

Moral of the story?

Genuine self will always win.

It's been written in the books for centuaries.

damn brother, i cannot just walk away. i'm telling you. i don't care, i am here for you no matter what.

keep fighting, keep resisting, keep posting, let someone in. anyone. talk about those bastards, it lessens their power. please don't forget that they've already lost, which is why they are torturing you. you think they want to go back to hell where they came from? hell is not a beautiful thing. they are acting like evil children, they want to have their way with you by any means. don't let them win. put their *** in time out. i know that is so far easier said that done. i know you can't see the light right now, but it's there. clean the dirty windows. let it shine.

i really love what hooligan posted. ya'll who know me know how much i love fairy tales. hey, i am starting to like this community; again. ahahahaha. i love you guys damn it.