Return of the freakshow

I have a deep and seething hatred for myself as a person, and I don't know why. It's honestly making me angrier at myself for not getting it.

There have been a lot of things over the years that add on to the pile - nosy people deciding that my stunted physical expressions of emotion meant I felt nothing, and losing my kids for it, being one stellar example - but it's hard to nail down any one thing. There are so many things.

I hate that so-called normal people look at people like me as some sort of animal just because of a slight difference in brain make-up, or chemistry, or whatever the **** causes this. Not like the pdoc I had explained it at all. "Throw Invega at it" seemed to be her (largely useless) solution, and never once did she explain what the hell I was supposed to expect, or try, or anything. I've been grasping at straws with this damned condition because I was never given anything but a name for it. ****ing useless quack.

Maybe I can't decide if society is right or not. Do I hate the glory-hungry media and laughably under-equipped education system in this country for making us out to be one-dimensional freaks? More than a little. Do I buy into it myself? Apparently so, if I hate myself this much. It's always in my face, with people I see, or meet, that I can't adapt to things the way they do. I have my ways, but it's stopgap at best, and while it gets the job done in the short term, it causes massive damage in the long term.

I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say here, and that's pissing me off even more. I'm a waste of meat, I can't stand the sight or sound of myself, and every ****ing word I write only amplifies it.

Can't focus anymore, this is taking too much effort. Have at it, mock the freak. I honestly don't care anymore. I'm so ****ing tired of fighting this. Years and years and years of this, and it's exhausting, and I can't do it anymore.

are you in therapy? No one is a waste not even you.I'm sorry you lost your kids is there anyway to get them back? I stopped watching media long ago because it was destressing. Welcome to our board. I hope you find the answers you need and friendships you deserve.

No, and no.

Was here ages ago, but ended up disappearing for some time due to life complications.

Well welcome back

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I'm going through some of the same things. Keep posting. We're here for each other. Welcome to our slice of PC. Glad you found your way back here.

I know what you mean about never being given anything but a name for the disorder, or feeling like you are only a diagnosis to them. I've experienced the craze of self-hate and at time it seemed that I was only able to go further and further into hating myself. The thing that's helped me so far has been creating and fixing things. Sometimes I buy broken things just to try and repair them. I still don't love myself, but I can at least see myself as a somewhat productive human being, and that's where loving yourself all starts.

I am quite productive - almost terrifyingly good at what I do - but being good at a thing doesn't make me feel like a person. I feel like a machine that serves others' purposes. I specifically have no purpose outside of that.

Self-loathing is a lifelong companion, and not one I've ever been rid of. Honestly, it'd be terrifying to feel anything else, because it's all I know.