[Lacer Vita]

i'm back again. things have been a struggle lately. i've had some manic phases, the last of which has swung into depression. i keep thinking it's okay to go off my meds. (though i wound up only skipping one dose, thankfully). i keep having run-ins with my hallucination/demon, and not even thinking to take my emergency meds to make him go away. i actually consider the things he says.

i have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. we're working on getting lamictal up to the right levels. but i'm taking saphris in the meantime, and it's not working on stabilizing my moods very well. i'm also on welbutrin and zoloft for the depression, and risperdal for the psychosis.

i don't know what i'm writing for, really. i'm just... so tired. the world is grey and i feel nothing but a weary, dark sort of boredom. i want to not exist. (i'm not going to off myself). nothing holds any attraction to me. i'm getting irritable with my kids, and that's not fair to them. my husband is worried about me. i don't know how to make it all better.

i thought, for a while, that i would be able to work. i was doing pretty good. it's debatable whether i was truly well enough for steady employment, but i was feeling great for a while. maybe that was mania. now that things are going bad again... i'm realizing that maybe it's just a pipe dream for me. which is is, in itself, depressing. i don't want to be on disability. but my family either needs the income from that, or me to have a steady job. which it doesn't appear i am capable of.

urgh.

anyway... thank you for listening. take care...

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry you're slipping back to depression

[Shmooey]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I wish I could help.

I couldn't help but notice that you also have schizoaffective at the same time as DID. I thought I was the only one. It's a special kind of hell for me, I can understand your saying you want to not exist. I get that way too. Suicidal but I won't act on it. I understand.

[Lacer Vita]

So instead of seeing my doctor, I wound up going inpatient the night I wrote this. My "demon" came back with a vengeance, commanding me to harm myself. I wound up cutting on my legs, with instructions to get a better instrument to do a more thorough job. My sister guided me to going to her house for refuge until my husband could get home and take me to the hospital. I've been there the past four days.

The doctor there put me on Trilafon, which seems to be doing the trick. My demon went away, and the clouds cleared. Now I'm home again, with a much better outlook on life.

Thank you for your comments. Shmooey, I agree that having Schizoaffective and DID is a hard thing. I see you have PTSD as well. I used to have that, too. But after a couple years of therapy, that's pretty much resolved. So there's hope!

[Victoria'smom]

I hope that your demon never comes back.