Throw yourself from the cliff

details aside - I'm on an island and my wife was really sick back home with the kids. It had been around 12 hours since I had heard from her by call or text.

I couldn't stop the images of her having died and my two young children trying to wake her up... trying to cuddle with her... pry her eyes open... not knowing to go to the neighbor's apartment for help or yelling for the security guards or the maint staff of go to the friend's mom down the hall.

The images kept coming.

Then "The Dragon" which I don't hear much of now after starting on meds became unleashed for the first time in a few weeks. "You can't take care of your kids with your wife dead. You are no good to them. You are crazy. You have life insurance though. Go to the cliffs and just go. You should be dead and your kids would be better off with your insurance than with you." And it kept going and going. I had no intent to follow-through... but I still walked to the cliff edge to see what it looked like, if it would do the job. I wasn't suicidal, but I guess you would call it suicidal ideation.

After a few others my wife texted - the internet was down at our apartment. The Dragon stuck around for awhile.

I wish I could let my guard down. I wish the meds would keep the Dragon at at bay for real... maybe at a higher dose? Maybe this is just the way it is.

my main visual, I named him the scary man when I was 13. I'm now almost 25, so he's not exactly scary anymore. Anyways. He takes me to a cliff and tells me to jump. It's the only time I've heard him talk. While my voices tell me how I'm a waste of atoms, energy, resources and space. I don't know what exactly is happening in real life when he takes me there. I'm too scared to jump. I don't want to know what happens. I stare down at the black abyss and I feel empty. Like it would be so easy just to let go and fall. But I fight him. Eventually he brings me back here. I wonder what it is with cliffs.

for me the cliffs were availability... they are here. Back when I had guns - it was guns.

Yeah, I hear you. I don't have a dragon, I have an imaginary girlfriend who is just full of bright ideas. She is my most frequent voice, and she is downright evil. My father died a few days ago, and she's been on me for days, telling me it's my fault he died, my "bad thoughts" killed him, his soul is in Hell because I'm such a stupid person, etc. Sometimes she just sort of casually suggests I step in front of a bus, then she laughs about it, like this is the greatest joke two people ever shared. I have tried to commit suicide a few times, overtly, but usually she gets me to do things like cross a busy street against the light, not looking at the traffic. Not quite a suicide attempt, but on the other hand...

Some people seem to hear a central, strong voice like my girlfriend or your dragon, and others hear a cacophony of many voices. The AP drugs help a little bit, for a while, then the illness adjusts to the drug and it loses efficacy. Fortunately, there are a lot of drugs...