[JesusGeek]

So this may sound scatterbrained, I'm just going to brain vomit right now on here. I feel like I need to check myself into a hospital permanently, and call it my home. I keep having screwed up and unstable thoughts, and I've been fearing that I'm going to snap and hurt somebody someday. And to be honest, I feel like I'm so freaking selfish, all I care about is myself. I think the main reason I want to check myself into the hospital mostly isn't to protect anybody, it's to keep myself out of trouble. I don't completely lack empathy, I have it sometimes, but not at other times. I hate myself, I feel like an evil, stupid nutcase.

I keep hearing video-game sound effects in my head instead of my thoughts sometimes, on top of the voices. And I compulsively lie for reasons I don't want to talk about right now. Basically I'm worried about overloading on stress and just losing my mind from it and having another psychotic break where I might hurt someone (I've had three of them before, and during one of them I punched someone thinking they were one of the people that bullied me in high school).

I'm trying to work and earn my own living right now, but today I trusted too much and told my boss about my disorder, and I'm afraid I'm going to get fired and fail my husband. My boss told me not to tell anyone else, just to keep it between me, him and the Lord (I'm Christian). The only thing that is keeping me together is God right now. I want to live on the outside of the hospital, but I'm afraid for myself, and there is a part of me that feels concerned for other people, and I feel like I should probably just give up and stay in a hospital for the rest of my life so I don't hurt anyone.

I feel like I love attention and sympathy, and that I should stop talking about my problems because that's not the right reason to talk about your problems. I feel like I'm a coward, I shake when I try to talk to people other than my husband. I just want everyone to like me, to the point where my motives for doing things are always selfish. I guess I'm a perfectionist. I want to be a perfect person, and I can't be. I'm so far from it. Thanks for reading this. I think I got out most of what I needed to.

[Victoria'smom]

I think you should go to the hospital if you think you may hurt someone, not forever, just until your meds are adjusted and you feel safe. Are you seeing a T?Intensive outpatient may be a better option for you. Just be safe.

[JesusGeek]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I think you should go to the hospital if you think you may hurt someone, not forever, just until your meds are adjusted and you feel safe. Are you seeing a T?Intensive outpatient may be a better option for you. Just be safe.

I'm seeing a therapist right now once a week, and a psychiatrist once a month for meds. I'm feeling better today, better than I did when I wrote that, but yeah I think at the very least I should probably do intensive outpatient. I forgot that was available.

[Biteplate]

Intensive outpatient helps me a lot too. I do therapy once a week, psychiatrist once a month, I have a caseworker and I attend a social group for people with mental illnesses. Its all really working for me. I hate hospital stays so I try to avoid it

[childofchaos831]

I think one benefit of intensive outpatient for me (I've done several, and am in one now) is being able to have a daily check in four days a week. They can monitor pretty well if things are getting out of control and act accordingly.

[neodoering]

Sounds like it's time to see the psychiatrist and switch/increase/add new meds. The self-discipline it takes to see the shrink, and the commitment it takes to adjust your meds, will tell you if you're really about to attack others, or if that's just a fear you have. I've been there myself.

My imaginary girlfriend is all over in my mind the last two weeks, and she's really a pain in the butt. Wants to get married, wants to have kids, wants me to help her with her career, wants me to give money to her siblings, and on and on. Considering she is just a voice in my head, it would be hard for me to comply even if I had any interest in doing so. Other voices in there too; sometimes these are aggressive or even violent, but they come and go. They're not exactly trying to get me to attack people or otherwise be violent, but they are certainly annoying! A few days from now I'm going to start a higher dose of olanzapine, and we'll see what that does, if anything.

[JesusGeek]

Originally Posted by Biteplate

Intensive outpatient helps me a lot too. I do therapy once a week, psychiatrist once a month, I have a caseworker and I attend a social group for people with mental illnesses. Its all really working for me. I hate hospital stays so I try to avoid it

Yeah hospitals aren't fun. I guess a caseworker and groups are something I don't have going for me right now.

[JesusGeek]

Originally Posted by neodoering

Sounds like it's time to see the psychiatrist and switch/increase/add new meds. The self-discipline it takes to see the shrink, and the commitment it takes to adjust your meds, will tell you if you're really about to attack others, or if that's just a fear you have. I've been there myself.

My imaginary girlfriend is all over in my mind the last two weeks, and she's really a pain in the butt. Wants to get married, wants to have kids, wants me to help her with her career, wants me to give money to her siblings, and on and on. Considering she is just a voice in my head, it would be hard for me to comply even if I had any interest in doing so. Other voices in there too; sometimes these are aggressive or even violent, but they come and go. They're not exactly trying to get me to attack people or otherwise be violent, but they are certainly annoying! A few days from now I'm going to start a higher dose of olanzapine, and we'll see what that does, if anything.

Ah man I've been there, I hear voices too and they annoy the heck out of me as well. I'm on Olanzapine too, it's a good med in my opinion. Doesn't take my voices away, but it seems to work for mood stabilization, and for anxiety and stress. I'm doing much better now, I think I'll be fine with just seeing my therapist and shrink.

[franz kafka]

I can relate to the perfectionism. Having schizoaffective has taught me that sometimes I need to not be perfect if doing so will improve my mental health. As for hospital... no need to go there forever. But something like IOP to get you back on track makes sense.