[BNLsMOM]

I am noticing a pattern with myself. I will be depressed for a period of time, and once it lifts, I become paranoid and anxious and have thoughts such as worrying that friends of mine will drive by the house and stalk me, or that people in cars I don't recognize are spying on me.

These things only happen once a depression lifts. The last time, it lasted several weeks and included an episode of hearing a voice say, "Hey," and another two voices whispering something I couldn't understand before I went into a hypomanic state. I also start to be able to feel the "energies" almost to the point of being able to feel people's feelings and can almost tell what their thoughts might be according to those energies and what I would be thinking if I was feeling those things within myself. I can feel "energies" and can tell the mood of a househole simply by driving past or looking at a house. It's not all houses, but some of them feel strong to me. I noticed I was starting to feel house energy again today.

Then while I was in (hypo) mania I was wishing for those voices to come back and tell me what I was put on Earth for. I was having revelations and amazing thoughts and I thought I had the key for curing all mental illness and creating peace in the world.

I went down from there into a vulnerable and very raw feeling state and dropped into a depression. While in that depression I went through several med changes to the combo I am on now. My depression has lifted as of this week, but I started feeling anxious and paranoid again last night.

This seems to me to be a pattern of schizoaffective disorder. I read about it and I would have to fit the criteria of bipolar, which I do and have been diagnosed with, and fit two or more of Criteria A for Schizophrenia. The ones I recognize in myself are the delusions/hallucinations (although I have only ever had that one episode of voices and one when I was a child, I have had paranoid and grandiose delusions throughout my life) and the lack of motivation.

I know I shouldn't diagnose myself and no one here can do that either, but what I want to know is how you were diagnosed as schizoaffective and what was it that the diagnosing doctor thought was your hallmark sign. Was it a clear and obvious diagnosis, or was it somewhat of a mystery until your doctor went digging?

It's important for me to know so that I can make sure I am being treated correctly and effectively.

[SpottedOwl]

(((BNLsMOM)))

Noticing patterns is always good, but feeling anxious and paranoid when coming out of a depression is not that unusual. I would be cautious about reading too much into it.

A passage I copied from "Invisible Warfare" by Mona Miller, is perhaps the best explanation of paranoia I've come across.

Paranoia is a trigger caused by time-travel. When it happens we are in the past, future and present at the same time.

The psyche hopes you will 'see', feel and process the memory of living in paranoia to understand it and turn it into wisdom. If not, you get to be insane instead. So that movie stays in your subconscious playing and re-playing. There's a good chance you will think, feel, and act from the age you were at the time of that memory, in present time. You can feel as if it were happening now and act it out accordingly. Insanity comes into the picture when you don't know that your psyche is in the past and your body is physically in the present.

The truth is, the memory is not happening now. You are triggered. Your triggered thoughts, feelings, and actions are about to be judged ridiculous. You may not feel totally crazy because somewhere inside, your intuition tells you this thing has truth in it. The truth is, it is real; it is just not true, now.

The subliminal memory projects itself onto today's trigger. The subconscious mind superimposes these pictures in the style of trick photography. You are now in two places at one time -- mentally, emotionally, physically and psychically....

(I'll PM you the whole passage.)

If you accept this idea that paranoia is caused by some event that is not happening NOW, then you can apply that to your experiences...

I can feel "energies" and can tell the mood of a househole simply by driving past or looking at a house. It's not all houses, but some of them feel strong to me. I noticed I was starting to feel house energy again today.

Perhaps there was a time in your past where knowing what house felt 'safe' was *very* important to you? When you feel something strongly about a house, what is it that you feel? Is your mind pointing out houses that might feel bad or dangerous, or is it pointing out houses that feel good and safe?

IMHO, the anxiety and paranoia is there for a reason, it just might not be connected to present day reality.

Please understand this is only my opinion, and I am not a professional. Exploring this might trigger you, so it might be a good idea to wait and explore it with T. If this is not helpful, please ignore and just accept my support.

A few virtual and loving hugs for you!

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

(((BNLsMOM)))


Perhaps there was a time in your past where knowing what house felt 'safe' was *very* important to you? When you feel something strongly about a house, what is it that you feel? Is your mind pointing out houses that might feel bad or dangerous, or is it pointing out houses that feel good and safe?

I can feel both energies and it is more like I can tell which houses contain happiness and which houses contain pain and suffering.

[BNLsMOM]

Lately I have been comforting myself and getting myself to sleep at night by thinking about the hospital and creating safety by thinking about bed checks, and imagining the staff asking me questions to make sure I am OK.

Last night it occurred to me that my life could be a giant hallucination, and that I am really in the hospital right now. Maybe night time is when I have small moments of clarity. Probably not, but...

I am not sure what to believe...

[spiritual_emergency]

BNLsMom: I am noticing a pattern with myself. I will be depressed for a period of time, and once it lifts, I become paranoid and anxious and have thoughts such as worrying that friends of mine will drive by the house and stalk me, or that people in cars I don't recognize are spying on me.

I have speculated that paranoia and the accompanying anxiety is the response produced by an ego structure that feels under assault. I don't know if I'm right, it's just something I've wondered about. I wonder if it's possible that when you're in a depressed state, you're simply too "down" to notice but as the depression begins to lift, maybe your awareness shifts so that you suddenly become aware of external stressors?

I can feel both energies and it is more like I can tell which houses contain happiness and which houses contain pain and suffering.

It would be interesting if there was a way of going to each house and speaking with the inhabitants to see if they were happy or not and then measuring that response with your impressions. If you were highly accurate, that might indicate that you were also highly intuitive.

Intuition is often attributed to sensitivity but people who are intuitive may also be more prone to noticing a range of small details that feed their overall assessment -- tone of voice, posture, eye contact, a mouth that is turned slightly up or down. Maybe you're doing something similar with the houses. I've certainly driven past some homes that have a sad, dejected feeling to them but this might be seen in a neglected front yard or a door that's peeling paint. You could always try driving past those houses again to see if you get the same impressions and if so, whether or not you can tie it to any visual cues the environment might be offering up.

[SpottedOwl]

(((BNLsMOM)))

You are a very creative person!
I love that you are coming up with different coping mechanisms and playing mental games to comfort yourself. This reminds me of a session I had with T. I was sharing some of my own coping mechanisms, and feeling very uncertain about how 'sane' they sounded. T's response to me was: "you are a very creative person."

Up until that moment, I'd thought that sharing my made up stories, would only make me sound crazier. But, when T commented on my creativity -- somehow it gave me permission to embrace that part of myself.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Last night it occurred to me that my life could be a giant hallucination, and that I am really in the hospital right now. Maybe night time is when I have small moments of clarity. Probably not, but...

I am not sure what to believe...

Many other creative people have pondered this question. Heck, take a look at the popular movie 'The Matrix'. Plato, Descartes, Hume, Kant, and the list goes on -- many, many people have asked themselves 'what is real?'

If you are a highly intuitive person, and it sounds like you are, it can be doubly difficult. For example, I've always had 'senses' about people. I don't know *why* perse, but I have learned to listen to them. Just because other people don't sense the same things I do, does not make me crazy. It just means that we each encounter the world in a unique way. More often than not, with time, I find that my 'sense' of the person is correct. Am I crazy for listening to my inner self, or is that a gift that I have. Or maybe I'm no different than anyone else, but I have trained myself to be aware of certain cues that others pass. (Much like a trained detective will see 'more' in a crime scene than a layperson.)

Whatever the reason, I have found it very healing to embrace ALL of who I am -- and that includes the creative side that loves to make things up and play with ideas.

More support for ya!

[BNLsMOM]

My personality type is INFP. I forget exactly what it stands for right now, but I think it is intuitive, feeling, perceptive.

Thank you, I do feel comforted by all these responses. I see my T tomorrow.

[BNLsMOM]

I saw my p-doc yesterday and she wrote a new code on my lab slip. 296.54, Bipolar 1, last episode depressed, severe with psychotic features.

This is changed, from 296.89 which was on my last lab slip and means Bipolar 2.

I am shocked by it, but at the same time, it seems to fit.

[SpottedOwl]

(((BNLsMOM)))

I am shocked by it, but at the same time, it seems to fit.

Do you find it useful? Does it help you in anyway to have a new diagnosis?

If it helps, then embrace it. If it doesn't, then dismiss it from having any power over you. The choice is yours.

Anytime a person experiences paranoia, or seems to hear or see things other people don't, the western medical world will usually label it psychosis. You did experience things that other people didn't see, but your experiences are still valuable. IMHO, there is a lot of good insight in your experiences, about what you need to heal. I believe that just like in nighttime dreams, waking dreams contain information that our subconscious is trying to bring to consciousness.

Take what works for you, and leave the rest -- both from me and my posts, and from the pdoc's dx

[BNLsMOM]

I think it is useful to know my dx because now I can learn to tell what is real and what is part of my illness. I'll see my t tomorrow and I am sure we will talk about this quite a bit.

[lostandscared54]

BNLsMOM,

I think what you are saying is a clear and concise reason why you would NOT be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. When diagnosing S/A d/o doctors look for hallucinations, be it auditory, tactile, visual, olfactory, in the absense of mood changes. When you are experiencing a change in mood accompanied with hallucinations or paranoia or other schizophrenic like symptoms, you are following the more classical path of bipolar.

I have schizoaffective, bipolar type. I experience auditory hallucinations without any change in mood. This is just my opinion. Good luck!

[birdcrazy]

Ironically, I only have psychosis during rapidly changing moods, but I understand the energy thing, except I used to think I could sense if people were good or bad.

[jennaorgana]

again, i haven't really read ALL of the responses so i am sorry if i repeat.

i am schizoaffective, and it took a little while for the doctors to come to that. in fact, they are still debating whether or not i am schizophrenic! which is RUBBISH in my opinion, since my depression and mania are clear as the day is long.

anyways, keep your mood journal daily. there are online ones and even one for the iphone. seriously, keep notes meticulously. this is very important for the doctors to see. that is EVIDENCE, DATA, INFORMATION, in their eyes. what is going on with you will be much clearer to those who are treating you.

[Morgana Brianna]

27 YEARS AGO DIAGNOSED AS SCHIZOAFFECTIVE.fOR~LAST 30 YEARS i/M DIAGNOSED WITH BIPOLAR I WITH PSYCHOTIC FEATURES(MOSTLY DELUSIONS & A LITTLE PARANOIA)WHATS THE DIFFERENCE? mORGANA BRIANNA

[bing101]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am noticing a pattern with myself. I will be depressed for a period of time, and once it lifts, I become paranoid and anxious and have thoughts such as worrying that friends of mine will drive by the house and stalk me, or that people in cars I don't recognize are spying on me.

These things only happen once a depression lifts. The last time, it lasted several weeks and included an episode of hearing a voice say, "Hey," and another two voices whispering something I couldn't understand before I went into a hypomanic state. I also start to be able to feel the "energies" almost to the point of being able to feel people's feelings and can almost tell what their thoughts might be according to those energies and what I would be thinking if I was feeling those things within myself. I can feel "energies" and can tell the mood of a househole simply by driving past or looking at a house. It's not all houses, but some of them feel strong to me. I noticed I was starting to feel house energy again today.

Then while I was in (hypo) mania I was wishing for those voices to come back and tell me what I was put on Earth for. I was having revelations and amazing thoughts and I thought I had the key for curing all mental illness and creating peace in the world.

I went down from there into a vulnerable and very raw feeling state and dropped into a depression. While in that depression I went through several med changes to the combo I am on now. My depression has lifted as of this week, but I started feeling anxious and paranoid again last night.

This seems to me to be a pattern of schizoaffective disorder. I read about it and I would have to fit the criteria of bipolar, which I do and have been diagnosed with, and fit two or more of Criteria A for Schizophrenia. The ones I recognize in myself are the delusions/hallucinations (although I have only ever had that one episode of voices and one when I was a child, I have had paranoid and grandiose delusions throughout my life) and the lack of motivation.

I know I shouldn't diagnose myself and no one here can do that either, but what I want to know is how you were diagnosed as schizoaffective and what was it that the diagnosing doctor thought was your hallmark sign. Was it a clear and obvious diagnosis, or was it somewhat of a mystery until your doctor went digging?

It's important for me to know so that I can make sure I am being treated correctly and effectively.

Well I will try and help.My spouse has the same thing and the doctors caught it right away.