[Grithnir]

I am having real trust issues with my family, as I explained in other posts about my father who recently verbally attacked my sister and mother. He hates me most of all and paranoia has creeped up into me, into a festering anger of wanting some bizarre restraining order against him if he were ever to show up. The reason is, is because I got involved and told my mom to divorce him and get the hell away from him. My sister that he attacked wants nothing to do with him until he gets help but he is a stubborn piece of work that has a psychotic obsession with Rush Limbaugh.

He has been going downhill steadily for the past few years and has beaten me up several times and my roommate too. I want to avoid my family for a long time as I am fed up with how my mom is reacting but my psychosis is rampant with paranoia. I see my nurse on Wednesday and want to ask her to increase my Geodon and anti-depressant as I am morbidly depressed and just festering in anger, if I didn't mention that a few times. I don't know how to get it to go away. My dad is an instigator of fighting and I know enough to avoid him but I feel frightened for my mother and have decided to take some drastic actions that might not all make sense.

He recently bought a car for my mother so she could give me her old one and they signed the title over to me but kept it out of my reach. I am going to the DMV and claiming I lost the title and need a new one so that is safely in my hands. Is this paranoid thinking?

I considered moving to Oregon for a long time yesterday, researching cities and towns that I have been to that have the best mental health care and affordable housing but my roommate is not inclined to moving and thinks we have it good here, so I had to just fester on that too, wanting to get the hell away from here.

Also I decided with the one sister that I like and that helps me out financially I am going to use some of the money to get the title, buy cigarettes and get my ears pierced as some sort of final act of defiance in case I ever run into my family again. I am beginning to mistrust them greatly and making them enemies in my mind out to emotionally damage me with their callous behavior.

We are moving though but it is in the summer and I am just not letting them know where I live. I don't want them to visit and I am hoping we can find a house with a yard.

My mind is racing and I am not coping well as my roommate was just hospitalized and is completely drowsy all day and all night and would be completely lost with his pills and recovery aspects if I had to be hospitalized which is why I think that my Geodon has to be increased and also the anti-depressant. The only thing I can do right now is take Risperdone tablets as I have permission to take them as needed, but this paranoia just overcame me so I thought I would see if there were other ways I could cope so that when I do see my nurse it is with some confidence and control.

Thanks

Grithnir.

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Grithnir,
I read through your other posts so I could get a good feel for everthing that's happening with you right now -- there's a lot going on. I think it's worth emphasizing that most anyone would feel stressed by those events. One suggestion that might be helpful to you is to make a list of what's going on and then try to prioritize them. For example...

- Your partner is currently ill and you're feeling the burden of being the caregiver
- You're having some difficulties with family members
- You long for independence from your family
- You'd like to move for a number of different reasons

I suppose I listed them in the manner I might prioritize the same issues in my life if they were happening to me, maybe you'll list them differently. Some of your anxiety seems to be related to the idea that you have to get everything taken care of as soon as possible and because there's so much, you feel overwhelmed and exhausted before you even get started. It's okay to take it one step at a time.

I'm pleased, as well, to see that you're making use of some of the other areas of the site. You're going to find lots of other people who are dealing with the same kinds of problems you are and you're going to learn from each other. You'll get things figured out for yourself but it does take time.

Meantime, you asked about meds. Some people find that during times of high stress they manage better with an increase in their medication. Once the stress has passed, they can reduce it once more.

As for additional ideas...

- In the signature area of my post is a link on the Spirit of Tonglen. This is a very simple meditative practice that I found very helpful. Initially I did it as a means of pain relief but later I found it could be very grounding; sometimes, all it would take would be a few breaths and I could feel centered once more. I don't know if it would work for you but you could give it a try.

- Something else I found soothing was to complete a simple task such as washing dishes, raking leaves, or folding the laundry and giving it my full attention. I suspect this is a form of Mindfulness practice.

- Another little trick that could make me feel more in control was to write a "To-Do" list, in reverse. This means the task or activity wouldn't get added to my list until it was completed. That meant that I could look at the list and feel good about what I'd accomplished as opposed to looking at it and thinking there was still so much that I hadn't gotten done.

Anyway, just a few ideas for you.

~ Namaste

[Grithnir]

Thank you Namaste. I will try the Tonglen exercises of meditation but I am not ready yet. I feel a bit of a mess, especially with this puppy that my roommate adopted. It requires a lot of supervision at the moment. I feel better today, maybe by taking the Risperdone tablets but still waiting to see the nurse.