Think I'm Going To Die

We all die eventually, it's a sad truth, but it is the truth. Stay safe. Sending my prayers your way.

Thanks - yeah I guess so - but I don't think that it's ok they want to kill me, I don't want to die yet.

Although I did work out how my nurse is being controlled, not that she'll believe me though.

I don't know what to do - I'm meant to be meeting a friend today, but I want to take my knife to be safe, but I don't want to break the promise I made a while ago to my psychologist.

It's just I'm going to feel safer with it.

I hope you decide to leave the knife at home.

I did, but it's hard with all the sleeper cells and I feel like my minds been raped.

Well,yes,I understand how you'd feel that way.It is something happening to you against your will.....yet you have maintained self-control,and made healthy choices despite your circumstances.Very proud of you Kureha!

Thanks - I don't feel so great though.

I spoke to the psychologist I used to see, I told her how the nurse is being controlled, she said she thinks it's a psychotic thought - but she knows it's real for me.
Then I ended up telling her everything because I really trust her, She said she is concerned and she'll get in touch with my psychiatrist to let him know, she isn't being followed by the sleeper cells though so that's good.

I'm worried I might have said too much though - because I don't want to go to hospital.

Yes,Kureha,it may be a symptom of the illness.And yes,it would be real for you.I just think you are such a gentle person and trying sooo hard to do well and listen to your people who help you...your,mam,doctor,and counselor.I know hospital is not fun.Perhaps it'd be a mere couple days just to adjust the medications?.....Hug,hug,hug......WO.olfie

Thanks,

I hate hospital - they try to keep you there for ages, I was lucky last time. I'm never going back - but I did keep the promise I made with my psychologist, so hopefully hospital won't be mentioned.

I'm confused - because I trust my psychologist and she never lied to me, but I know what I saw and I know it's true, so we both must be right, it's the only thing that would make sense.

I don't think she lied. People sometimes perceive things differently.

I don't think she lied either - she took my call when she didn't have too.

I think we are just both right, I'd believe her if I hadn't seen all the other things.

My nurse came yesterday - I didn't know she was, anyway she basically said she doesn't believe a word I say, it sucks, but I don't believe much of what she says.

She said I looked happier and more relaxed - I don't feel it, but I guess I much be.

Just found out about laser audio surveiilance - so they know everything I've been saying, I always wondered how they knew so much.

I don't know what I should be talking about when she comes though now, it's kind of pointless talking about anything that is happening.

I'm sorry the nurse isn't believing you, Kureha. I just don't know what to say. That must be so frustrating. I can see why you'd start to think it was pointless to talk about it.

I never heard of laser audio serveillance before. I googled it and found this: http://www.selfdefenseproducts.com/L...R-p-17572.html

Take care of yourself and keep yourself safe.

Have you explained to her that you feel that way...and how it makes you feel as if you can't speak as freely?I am thinking that they may not have that surveillence there where you are...is that possible?And,might you ask her what she thinks would be helpful to discuss when she comes there?I still just really think you are doing so well with the situation you feel around you.Keep up this effort to be doing what's needed for your well-being.Hugs.....WO.olf

Thanks,

Damn - I can't find any of those in the UK, bet they knew that as well.

They are definitely using laser audio surveillance - this is how they know so much, they must have listened to everything I was saying, I'm always near a window when I'm talking about stuff.

I had an awesome idea to get my nurse to listen - I'm going to get in touch with a news programme and see if they want to interview me about all this and gang stalking in general.

My nurse is coming with another nurse next time, that way she can always have someone to agree with her.
It's getting harder not to take my knife out as well - but I'm so not going to break the promise to my psychologist - she was so serious about it.

ooohhh Dear Kureha.....no knife please sweety.It'd be bad to find that you were mistaken in using it.You could lose your freedom.Let's not risk that ok?If someone harms you then they'll have to go to jail for it.But,I just want you to remain free of that.

I agree with your psychologist and wolfsong, Kureha. The knife is a bad idea.

First, someone might get hurt by it, and that someone might be you.

Second, people might misunderstand why you want it. For a while my son wanted a gun so he could protect himself. He never actually got a gun, but the people at the mhc still use this as evidence that my son is "dangerous."

Finally, it won't really make you feel any safer. You imagine it will, and it might at first, but eventually the fear will take over again.

A knife won't make you safer, and it won't make you feel safer. Better to work on strengthening your spirit so you can face the fear and manage it.

Take care and be safe.

I emailed the news programme and they seem interested - so I've just emailed them my story.

I only wanted to carry my knife to feel safe - I didn't want to use it, the most I would have done is pull it out to get them to back off - I wouldn't have used it.

My psychologist always said that as well, that I could pull it out on the wrong person and that the poilce wouldn't understand - even when I explained why and it's a situation that she couldn't get me out of.

I know that she is right and that you are both right, they just won't leave me alone.

Costello - that's like what they did to me, when I mentioned the knife and my nurse always uses it against me, she did just the other day.

The people stalking me are so elusive though, the police wouldn't even be able to catch them.

I'm sending more strength to that bubble of protection for you Kureha! It will help build safety in your amazing spirit!

Hug hug hug

Thanks

Thanks everyone for helping me with this.

Since I don't get to see my psychologist anymore - it's been kind of hard, but you've all been awesome.

Thanks for all the help.

You make ppl want to help because you are very precious Kureha....

I agree with wolfsong, Kureha. I hate to think of you not being safe or being afraid.

KUREHA, I find you a vital and necessary part of this community. I know I don't post much in your thread, but I watch it daily, to make sure you're alright. If nothing else, take comfort in knowing that we watch out for you, same as you watch out for yourself. Everyone here does the same for eachother - that's what makes this community so special.

You're a special part of that. Whether you know it or not, you help me through my day a great deal, because I see the tremendous resolve and strength you have, and it's very inspiring. It helps remind me that, no matter how bad it seems, no matter how impossibly loud the machine is, it can be dealt with - and there are those who will stand by us, and help us deal with it.

Stay safe. I look forward to you posting again.