Think I'm Going To Die

Thanks

Yeah it 's cool here, it's kind of different from most forums.

It's my birthday today, I just stayed in though, because yesterday when I went for a walk with a friend it sucked - I got mocked by the sleeper cells and I felt like my mind had been raped again. So I think I might just stay in for a while.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, Kureha.

Happy b-day, Kureha!

Happy birthday! I hope things calm down for you soon.

Happy birthday!!
About the knife... just to let you know it's a bad idea. Any violent behaviour, or behaviour they perceive as violent, looks really bad. I have it on my CRB (Criminal Record Bureau report.... you can get hold of these in the UK) an arrest report of when I went apeshit at an arresting officer and started biting him. The only weapons in that instance were my teeth, I felt like I was acting in self defence, and yet it's still on my record, and I'm waiting to see if I'm still allowed to work with kids, or if I'm considered too much of a risk.

So, my advice is to be as careful as possible, and not do anything that might be construed as violent or aggressive.

Does this help?

Thanks

I never thought of that - my nurse has some stuff on file about when I mentioned the knife, well it was on the chair for protection.

I just have no way of keeping safe though.

Is there anything in particular that you're really frightened of?
Have you thought of learning some self defence to make you feel safer, or is that not something you could handle at the moment?
In the past I've done a lot of martial arts, but sometimes when I'm stressed and overwhelmed I'd be unable to keep it up. Still, it's a thought. You could explain your feelings of anxiety to the nurse, and ask her if there's a self defense class you could take.

I never thought of that, I could ask my nurse to ask the support worker, she knows about that kind of stuff.

I watched what Bear Grylls did though on the dvd for a physical attack and I can disarm someone with a knife - well I know how to anyway.

It's just they are always one step in front and they are out to kill - when the time is right - which can't be long now, because recently they've shown me more.

I think self defence classes would do you a world of good. For one thing, the excercise will make you feel better, for another thing, they teach you how to be aware in your environment which will make you feel safer. And also, it's been proven that people who take self defence classes are less likely to be attacked, because their confidence is increased... and bullies, muggers and other abusers are not too keen to attack someone who is confident.

You strike me as someone who is on high alert... that makes it unlikely that you'd let someone under your guard. I don't think they're going to attack you... and if you can get yourself stronger and more secure then you're even less likely to be attacked.

Let me know what your nurse says... I'm really interested to know.

I might do Toso Kune Do - I'll ask my nurse, be the only thing I say, because no point talking to her.

They aren't average muggers etc though.
Techniques they used with MK Ultra are used on the sleeper cells, turns people into killers if they want - so they only want 1 thing

My meds are going to make me less aware and then it will happen.

Like in the song - it's Death or Victory.

Listen... I hope you are safe. Do you think meds are a bad thing?

So the medications make you feel less alert? My son was feeling afraid when he lived in mental health housing, because the medication he was on made him sleep so heavily. He was afraid he'd be attacked at night and wouldn't wake up enough to be able to defend himself. We tried him on a different medication that wasn't so sedating. Of course now he's back home, and he feels safe sleeping at home.

Can you ask for a different medication that would allow you to be more alert?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so threatened, Kureha. It must be terrible to be in danger all the time. I just can't imagine.

I'm thinking of you.

Thanks,

Yeah the meds are going to get me killed - my nurse said I have to talk to the psychiatrist though and I see him next week, so I'll get off them then, he will stop them, when I tell him.

I told the nurse that came with my nurse, but I don't know what she was on about, how can more of it - make me alert.

Costello I know what it's like in places like that - well just hospital really, but I always locked my door, not that it was much help. I always thought I'd get attacked - so I wouldn't take any meds they offered me.

Kureha, one lot of meds that I was given actually did make me more alert. I was able to think more clearly, without all of my thoughts getting into a jumble, and because I was thinking more clearly I could notice what was going on better. I know some meds make you sleepy... but they can balance out. I don't notice the side effects of mine so much anymore... and they really did help me think more clearly. Perhaps your doctor can find a med like that for you?

Unfortunately he had a roommate in this place.

Some drugs act in different ways at different doses, which can cause different side effects. For example, I was on mirtazapine (an antidepressant) which acts on serotonin and noradrenaline receptors. At higher doses it acts on histamine receptors too which can cause sedation and weight gain, which I didn't get at the lower doses. So what I'm saying, in a complicated way, is that the nurse could be right.

Could you say which meds you are on? I might be able to explain how it works to you.



*Willow*

Kureha I'm sorry you still don't feel safe! I'm wishing you well!

My doctor said this was the best one for me - but he's coming next week - so I'll try and stop then and ask about something else if I can't.

The nurse was just kind of confusing - but I take Abilify.

I think it's because I'm not prepared enough - there are so many of them and only myself and the nurses and my doctor, don't take me seriously.

Costello - Ah right - that sucks.

Kureha, I'm going to say what no one else here seems to be saying. You are suffering from delusions about these splinter cells. Your medication does not seem to be working to stop those delusions. You may need different medications or a higher dose in order to start seeing things based in reality. I know these delusions are very real to you and your fears are very real to you, but they aren't based in reality. You've talked about carrying a knife which really worries me that you might do something rash because you are not thinking in reality. Please call your care providers and let them know you need help to get this under control.

I understand what you are saying, but that's exactly what they want people to think.

They want to have everyone not believing me - makes it easier for them.

It's 100% true though, I even have proof - just it isn't very clear.

Hi Kureha

My pdoc prescribed abilify/aripiprazole for me cos it has a reputation for being less sedating than other atypical antipsychotics, so that's probably why your pdoc prescribed it too.

Abilify acts as a 'dopamine system stabiliser' which means that in areas of the brain with too much dopamine, it reduces it's action, and then increases dopamine action in areas of the brain with too little dopamine. Too much dopamine in certain brain areas causes positive symptoms of hallucinations and delusions. Too little dopamine in certain brain areas is thought to cause the negative symptoms such as withdrawing from social interaction and being unable to concentrate etc.

Abilify also acts on serotonin receptors, again increasing the activity of these receptors in some areas and decreasing their activity in others. This theoretically reduces anxiety, depression and negative symptoms.

At low doses eg 2mg, Abilify is typically alerting, causing insomnia. However it is more sedating at higher doses (from about 10-15mg), typically increasing in sedation as you increase the dose. The evidence says though that the sedating effect of abilify gets less the longer you take it (it wears off/you get used to it).

I hope all that makes sense Kureha. If not, I can try and explain it again to make it clearer for you.

Maybe what the nurse meant was that, if these worries left you (which might happen at a higher dose) you'd be better able to focus on what is going on around you - in a sense you'd be more alert to reality. Just a thought.

Stay safe Kureha

*Willow*

Wow you know a lot, thank you for that.

I'll talk to my doctor about it - but I think I'll be able to stop when I explain to him.

Trying to get pictures/videos of the cameras and anything else, got 1 good picture so far, it shows something going past the window, it's really fast though.

I need to get people to take me seriously, because the tv news didn't believe me and that would have really helped.

Gang stalking is real - it's happening to a lot of people and for no reason.

I stopped taking my meds to prove to the doctor that I'm ok.

Could you post the picture of the thing going past your window? I don't know if it's easy for you to post pictures online, but it would be helpful to us if you could show us what you're having to deal with.

This time last year I had problems with seeing things parked outside my house, or shooting past me when I was walking by myself. It made me too scared to leave my house. So I know how you feel. I tried to take pictures, but they never came out right.

Just keep talking to us, we're all ready to listen... things worked out okay for me in the end. Nobody is following me now.