[SakuraLi]

hi everyone. I wanted to say that my boyfriend`s sz symptoms seem to be in remission. he`s been off his meds since march and we have not had any major conflicts for about 4 months that is a huge deal for us he just had some mild paranoia once or twice. Basically since I don`t mention anything like "I wish we could communicate more" which is my main gripe with him. he IS actually now communicating more! which is what I wanted all along! I`ve realized if I leave stuff alone like the little petty stuff maybe things would get better. he`s been having a lot of job stress and is pretty much always stressed but he is handling it like a champ and I`m so proud of him. But here is the what I`m wondering, If he`s not stressed out because of me would it make a general difference over all?

[mgran]

I don't know the answer to your question, but I'm really glad your boyfriend is in remission. Apparently remission is more common than people realise. It must be a huge relief to you.

[SakuraLi]

Thanks, hope his sz stays in remission and we can finally have a descent relationship. The only things I wish is that he`d be dependable, be able to support me if we ever get married and I`m curious if I could have kids with him and have a descent family life. On the other hand if I need to HOPE these things will happen than he is probably not the best partner for me anyway. And being that I`m 30 now I really just want a reliable partner to build a life with, no overly complicated stuff anymore and especially with my own health issues that I have to deal with I just don`t think I would have the patience to deal with anymore heavy duty issues from my bf. I give him 1 more year of doing well and if things stay ok great, if not I`ll leave him. 8 years is quite enough to have dealt with various challenges that never really seem to get better.

[mgran]

Does he realise he's on probation?

[SakuraLi]

Probation? Haha. More like he`s skating on thin ice! We had an extensive talk about 2 years ago regarding different things including what I said above. And I told him straight up about how I felt. Also, I`ve come to realize women taking risks with partners is very difficult for many reasons. Especially since we both agree on having a traditonal marriage with my bf as a provider for me. I don`t know how realistic it would be to expect him support me totally any time soon. He`s only in a 2 year technical college program and he still probably needs a bachelor`s to get a descent job! who knows how long that would take.

[mgran]

It doesn't sound very hopeful, I'm sorry to say. If your boyfriend has a serious mental health issue it could prove hard for him to consistently provide for you... I've had a spotty work history because of my illness.

I do know that one third of people on the schizophrenic spectrum do go into full remission though. On the other hand, the pressure of having to live up to your standards mightn't be something he can handle. Schizophrenics can be very fragile... things which wouldn't bother most people can easily send me into a tailspin. If he senses your disappointment in him then he's more likely, for example, to start seeing you as an enemy out to get him. (I know you're not, I'm just telling you how the world looks from a point of psychosis.)

I think if you're no longer very fond of him, and impatient with him, (sorry if I'm wrong) that the relationship is doomed.

[SakuraLi]

I totally agree with you and I think your are right in how you read my situation. I have noticed that my boyfriend himself said he was "delicate" which proves he even had a certain awareness of himself that I didn`t even understand. Of course he use to say that way before he was even diagnosed with SZ so I had figured he was being a male diva! In the early days he also was just a mess, emotionally and everything else which was hard for me because I thought he was just self and sadistic because of his various mood swings and I just didn`t know any better. Sinse then he`s gradually changed into a mature, emotionally stabile guy for the most part. He`s had flare up along the way but nothing really major like the old days. I`m so proud of everything he`s accomplish and things have been peaceful. I guess I just get so mad at him because growing up my dad was such a jerk and my previous bf was such a hateful sadistic jerk and all the guys I`ve delt with romantically thus far in my life (before my current bf) have all been abusive. And due to my low self esteem I stayed way too long with each guy when I really didn`t want to. I`ve always wished a could do better in the man department. I would take the most dull, boring guy ever if it meant I could have a normal life with him. I guess I`m scared to leave my bf because I feel no one else will like me and I`m too scared to approach guys I like

[mgran]

Awh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry you've known such a bunch of nasty abusive jerks. That casts a whole different complexion on your stress with your boyfriend. It sounds like you do love him despite the problems, but that you're terrified on some level of things breaking down, and are frightened of repeating the past.

I've got no good advice for you, I've never been in exactly your position, but I really feel for you, it sounds like you have a good and tender heart and have been hurt too much.

If you ever need to rant, or have a cry, or anything... please pop in here and feel welcome to say anything you like. Have you got any couple's counselling available where you live... it could be worth pursuing if you feel emotionally strong enough yourself to keep trying with this relationship.

Gosh, I wish you lived nearby, I'd take you to a wee cafe in the village, and ply you with tea and buttered scones, and then we could go for a walk along the river and feed the ducks.

I'll have to settle for sending you good thoughts instead. (((hug)))

[SakuraLi]

Thanks you`re very kind :-) I appreciate that. Are you in England or Ireland bye the way? Tea and scones sounds very U.K. And yes, I do love my boyfriend very much. Just all the trials and tribulations we`ve had put such a damper on the 8 year relationship, if it not one thing, its the other. And I don`t know what kind of wild twists and turns could be ahead I just know to be prepared for anything. And especially things that often don`t make any sense! I feel like I could be fantastic friends with my boyfriend but just the relationship is not working out. And I can`t depend on his as a husband. But as friends things would be great! He wouldn`t be stressed out about delivering the "basic" duties of a guy in a committed relationship or eventually as husband. I wouldn`t have to worry myself into a panic attack thinking if we`d have a good marriage or can I trust him? Whatever happens I am determined to not let my past relationships poison my future and it definately has. My other real challenge now is whether or not I decide to be at peace with my bfs limitations and accept that he may never be the same guy who use the pay me lots of attention before. I guess I shoulld be greatful to god that now I have time for myself and I can do things I want. me and my bf used to be like siamese twins before he went off to college. I thought it was so weird that he always wanted to be around me. I didnt have any space to breath. He has a weird idea of what love is about he expects me to give up everything for him & other BS! he thinks he gives more to the relationship than he actually does. He basically sucks but I love him anyway and I feel stupid for loving someone like him. Because I constantly get stiffed and I allow myself to stay and I feel stupid because of thatHow would I go about dumping him?

[SakuraLi]

I know I said I love him and trying to accept all his limitations but as a last resort I`ll dump him if Im not able to accept all his issues. Like I said 8 years is enough to have dealt with him. The relationship has been such a detriment to my health with the constant worry and now I feel lots of depression. Anyway sorry for complaining so much. thanks for listening. I appreciate it very much. By the way no one in my family nor my friends know about my bfs SZ. my family doesnt know what kind of anguish I`m going through. but some of my friends do.

[costello]

Hi Sakura:

It sounds like you're asking permission to leave your bf? If so, I think you should. It doesn't sound like you like him much anymore, and you're not getting out of the relationship what you were hoping for.

You say he "basically sucks," and you want to know how to "go about dumping him." Honestly it sounds like you've reached the end of the line. Why don't you just tell him you'd like to go your separate ways?

My son had a girl break up with him recently by just not responding to any of his texts or calls. It was extremely painful for him (still is) and contributed to his descent into psychosis. Please don't do that to this man. After eight years he deserves honesty. Just tell him his illness is too much for you, that he's not the right one for you, and you're not the right one for him. It will be painful for him to hear, but it's kinder than what that girl did to my son. He's still mystified. He doesn't know what he did wrong, and it drove him to retreat from reality.

Keep these two things in mind:

1. Your guy has the right to have a chance at a relationship with someone who doesn't go on public forums to tell strangers that he sucks.

2. You have the right to have a chance for a relationship that meets your hopes and dreams.

[SakuraLi]

I agree Costello, you are right. But I`ll tell you one thing I wouldn`t do that do my bf with a dumb break up. I`ve on this forum also a year it will be, in August. I have been talking to him, opening dialogs with him, yelling him, talking to him for SEVEN YEARS! Never told anyone what was going on with he and I in terms of the termoil and pain I was experiencing! It was only a few years ago that I started complaining to friends that he sucked that was before I knew anything about the effects of SZ. Its only been about a year since I`ve been venting about him online because at least the people here won`t possibly shun me or call me stupid for being with a mentally ill guy! My family and friends would think I was an idiot and a loser for staying with him and subjecting myself to the pain and heart ache I`ve experienced! My bf has never done anything bad to me nor said anything bad to me! My pain and heartache comes from seeing him suffer 4 years refusing help and forcing me to listen to all the messed up stuff going on in his mind. He`s so much better now and when he started getting better I thought we could rebuild the relationshi but instead its just drifting because its so hard to get ahold of now which has been happening fror a little over a year nowfor 7 years of the 8 he would constantly need to be in touch with me and that was hard and I adapted and this lack of communication maybe I can adapt who knows. But whatever goes on in the relationship I have to cater to his needs he doesnt really I hate that part relatioships are about give and take also I actually didI asked him if thats what he wanted he said he wanted to stay together that was my weak and kind way of breaking up but it didnt work.

[SakuraLi]

sorry for my grammar im typing on my cell phone. In the last paragraphy I was trying to tell u that I tried to break up with my bf kindly and respectfully and NOT placing blame on him. i just said our schedules seem to not mesh well and we are not getting enough time together. asked wouldnt it be better to split peacefully as friends? and he said he wanted to stay together! i shouldnt have let him have the choice. and also I only come here to vent because no one else understands or accepts mentally ill people among my family and friends. i thought thats what people came on here for? By the way I would NOT break up with my bf in a stupid way ! I`m smarter and kinder than that. In my first attempt also I asked him to also discuss how I felt and he didnt either. I`ve exhausted every way I could possibly tell him that I wish our communication would be like the old days he just gives excuses! I think he`s being a typical man! Who knows if its his sz thats causing how hes acting or if hes just being a typically stupid man! anyway the lack of communication and time he puts into the relationship now is WHY l want to dump him, not his SZ! I cant reach him by text, email or cell anymore like i use to. for 7 years I could reach him anytime i wanted. now communication is spotty unreliable at best.. he says work takes up a lot of energy and it stresses him out and at the end of the day he`s so tired. he lives with familt so he has to do a lot for them also. I feel like Im being squeeezed out of his life! He says he still loves me but hes showing me he cant put in the time needed to make the relationship stronger and rebuild it. im willing 2 do it but it takes 2 to tango and hes usually MIA.

[SakuraLi]

I should also say the communication aspect sucks not him. Its not nice to say he sucks and I apologize. I may just need to adapt and accept for now the different communication patterns. like I said before now I have relatively peaceful days. I honestly don`t want to dump him because I fear he may do poorly at school and work. For years he would say that I have so much power over him and that gave me the creeps to the highest degree! lol so I worry about that. I don`t want power over anyone! I just want it over MYSELF. sorry i keep talking I just feel like people don`t get all the intricacies of my relationship when i come an here and complain. they dont know all the things that have happened to me aside from my current bf. I just wish nothing bad would happen to my bf if i left him. For many years. he would give the impression he`d self destruct if i left him. i just want him to be ok, always. :-( I don`t want anyone`s life to be ruined because of me especially some one I love and someone that Ive made a LOT of personal sacrifices for I put my heart and soul into my relationship trying to help my bf learn the skills needed in the real world, trying to help him better hiself so he can do something with his life! No one took the time and energy, patience and love to do that except me. Not even his own mom taught him anything. It seemed like

[costello]

Hi Sakura: I get the intricacies. Believe me, I live them too. I'm not trying to be hard on you. I worried about my answer to you - that it might come off as hard.

Here's my take: my son is suffering the same problems your bf is. I'm not going to dump my son, because he's my son. But I'm not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes. If I picture myself in your shoes, I think, "Oh, she should leave and get on with her life." If I picture my son in your bf's shoes, though, I think, "Oh, I hope she stays with him."

I have deep empathy for both you and for him.

I'm not sure I could stay if I were you. I was talking to my son about his fallout from his recent episode. All of his friends and his gf dumped him. I told him quite bluntly that I'm not sure I could stay with a friend who had treated me the way he treated me a few months ago. If one of my friends suddenly started acting the way he had and was so unreachable, I'm afraid I would walk away too.

I salute you for sticking it out as long as you have.

When my son starts lamenting the things he's lost (he gave away his car, for example), I always say, "This is why you need to keep control of your mind. Every time you lose control of your mind, you're likely to have these kinds of problems."

It's not like you're walking away at the first sign of trouble. You've tried. In stead of saying you can't stand the sz, maybe you should make it clear that it's his lack of attempt to manage the sz. It could be that no matter how hard he tries, he may have problems at times. But at least if he were making an effort it would be more tolerable.

[SakuraLi]

ok. But my bf is managing himself. He`s doing school, he`s employed, social things, helping his family etc. I`m just saying I feel like I`m being pushed out of his life even though he says he loves me and he`s nice when he calls. I just feel like he could do more because I`ve always gone above and beyond the call of duty to help him EVERY TIME he`s needed me. But to be fair I guess this can happen to anyone it just comes down to making other things a priority. And I guess I`m not a priority to him. oh well, f*** it! I have to try to put myself first in my own life and let myself be the biggest priority in my life instead of worrying about my boyfriend. Maybe things will work out, maybe they won`t who knows, time will tell.

[costello]

Ok, I'm confused. Now it sounds like you're saying he's not interested in a relationship with you, but you are with him.

I guess I can't get a hold on what exactly the problem is, so it's hard to offer any advice.

Take care and good luck.

[SakuraLi]

Sorry to be so confusing. I`m not saying my bf is not interested in our relationship. I`m just saying there is all this stuff in his life and I feel like I`m having to compete for his attention. And I was thinking out loud in these posts, writing helps me sort out my feelings better than just thinking about my problems. Anyway, I was thinking maybe I should just quit competing for his attention, do my own thing and just let things be how they are for now. Posting this has helped me realize that I use up so much energy thinking about him, worrying about the relationship and wishing it was something may never be. He may never again give me the attention he ONCE DID. When he finishes school I may have a clearer picture of whether our relationship will really work. So at this point I`ve come to my own conclusion on what I can do. The conclusion is this: I will try my best to just let the relationship be how it is instead of wishing it would be some super great fullfilling thing. Maybe life with my boyfriend will never be fullfilling me, maybe it will just be mundane. Also, perhaps my bf is just complacent like a lot of partners get in long relationships. Maybe that it ok and nothing is wrong with that. I`m still trying to figure that out. anyway thanks for listening :-)

[costello]

Originally Posted by SakuraLi

anyway thanks for listening :-)

No problem. These things can be difficult to sort out. But it's the difficult things in life that make us grow.

[SakuraLi]

Thanks again, can I tell you something else? For many many years I`ve be repressing all the issues I`ve had surrounding my bf and my relationship with him. I feel like when I started coming on this forum I was at my breaking point I am constantly depressed angry alot and filled with anxiety about my own future, my health, my schooling and social life. And last year I told my mom I was depressed and she didn`t believe me! and she said there`s nothing wrong with me, it`s so annoying because she`s one of those types of people who often says "everything will be fine don`t worry." Well not everything ends up fine sometimes people need outside support. To make a long story short I don`t feel comfortable talking to her about a lot of things because all she does is discount whats going on and how I feel by telling me to think more positive, I try but it doesn`t help. And at this point and time she pays for my medical insurance and I know she won`t support my interest in seeing a counselor because she doesn`t believe in psychology and she doesn`t get the concept of mental illness and I fear I may not get to see a counselor till I graduate college (I`ll be done in a year), get a job and can pay for it myself. Do you have suggestions on how I can get her to pay for my therapy? She pays for every other medical service I need so why not therapy? Maybe you might have some creative ideas since you are a mom also :-)

[mgran]

Gosh, that's a tricky situation. I'm in the UK, so we're entitled to medical treatment even if we are poor... though sometimes we have to wait a long time for it. So, I can't quite imagine how my Dad would have reacted if he'd been paying for my medical needs... I know he would have done, because he's helped me financially with so much else.

However... he only accepted there was a real medical situation within the last year and a half, and even now he's still asking when I'm coming off meds, since he thinks I should be better now. (I'm schizoaffective, so the idea of me magically getting better after years of mental health issues is somewhat remote to say the least.) I can't think of anything that would change his views on this, he loves me so much that he doesn't want me to admit that I'm broken. Perhaps this is your mother's issue? She looks at you, and in there always is the little nub of her precious baby, and no matter what happens she'll always see her innocent child. She can't imagine her child suffering mentally in the way you do, therefore she'll deny your illness... not because she doesn't love you, but because she does, and she's too frightened to realise what is wrong.

If that's the case I can't think of any way in which to persuade or trick her into paying for the therapy you need. My Dad only realised when I completely cracked up after years of difficulty... I'm sure you don't want to have a complete nervous breakdown before your Mom will help you. I can't think of anything else... I'm really sorry.

[costello]

Originally Posted by SakuraLi

I told my mom I was depressed and she didn`t believe me!

I know it's hard when people discount your experiences. I think it means they have issues of their own they need to deal with.

I fear I may not get to see a counselor till I graduate college (I`ll be done in a year), get a job and can pay for it myself.

Does your school have a counseling service? I work for a university and we have something like that for students, although it's extremely limited - maybe 10 sessions. Those 10 sessions are free, though.

Do you have suggestions on how I can get her to pay for my therapy? She pays for every other medical service I need so why not therapy? Maybe you might have some creative ideas since you are a mom also :-)

I don't know you, her, or your situation (what resources you have available), but some ideas for influencing your mom (or getting around her):

1. get a note from your doctor or school counselor saying this is a service which you require;

2. have a friend or family member she respects talk to her;

3. try your county mental health center;

4. look for support groups in your area; or

5. devise your own "therapy."

That last may sound odd, but I've known two people from extremely disfunctional families who used self-help books and friends to help them recover from traumatic childhoods.

If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

My Dad only realised when I completely cracked up after years of difficulty... I'm sure you don't want to have a complete nervous breakdown before your Mom will help you.

That was my first thought: Sink into a catatonic state. See if that gets Mom's attention!

[SakuraLi]

Mgran, You have a lot of good insights. Thank you, it is actually helpful.

QUOTE=mgran;1942979]Gosh, that's a tricky situation. I'm in the UK, so we're entitled to medical treatment even if we are poor... though sometimes we have to wait a long time for it. So, I can't quite imagine how my Dad would have reacted if he'd been paying for my medical needs... I know he would have done, because he's helped me financially with so much else.

However... he only accepted there was a real medical situation within the last year and a half, and even now he's still asking when I'm coming off meds, since he thinks I should be better now. (I'm schizoaffective, so the idea of me magically getting better after years of mental health issues is somewhat remote to say the least.) I can't think of anything that would change his views on this, he loves me so much that he doesn't want me to admit that I'm broken. Perhaps this is your mother's issue? She looks at you, and in there always is the little nub of her precious baby, and no matter what happens she'll always see her innocent child. She can't imagine her child suffering mentally in the way you do, therefore she'll deny your illness... not because she doesn't love you, but because she does, and she's too frightened to realise what is wrong.

If that's the case I can't think of any way in which to persuade or trick her into paying for the therapy you need. My Dad only realised when I completely cracked up after years of difficulty... I'm sure you don't want to have a complete nervous breakdown before your Mom will help you. I can't think of anything else... I'm really sorry.[/QUOTE]

[SakuraLi]

LOL I agree Costello, like what has to happen to get her to realize I'm having issues that need to be dealt with. I have my physical health issues: extreme fatigue, back pain, had strep throat with lingering throat and nose issues and random body and joints pain, muscle weakness, all of which came and went in cycles. I used to have constant dizziness, lightheadedness and headaches for almost two years straight but I thank god the headache issue has subsided mostly to occasional headaches now. When I first came home from college in 2009 I felt like hell and like I'd been ran over by a truck and I told her this and all did was say I'd be fine and just pray for me, which is fine with me but she didn't swoop into immediate action like I needed her to do. I told her I needed her to help me find a doc because I was too weak, she kinda helped but not as well as she could have. I did constant Internet searches and couldn't really find anyone. All the Docs close by were booked and I had to wait over a year to get a general doc but was able to see an ENT doc for my throat issues sooner. Now I finally have a general doc who is really just an nurse practitioner who is mediocre and also thought my issues were because of my iron deficiency and on the last recent follow up visit I told her I feel no better than I did before I took the iron. She finally said maybe I have fibromyalgia! I thought well, duh I came to that conclusion before I went there. But I digress. Back to my mom, she is a very much in denial type person my brother has diabetes my sister has a spinal issue both are depressed hardcore most of the time. My mom encourages them and says nice things to them like you'll be ok and blah blah blah but she won't look at what is really is which they feel terrible and when I tell her that she gets upset. I feel like she can't look at the harshness of reality when it's happening to our own family. I just don't know why. She doesn't ever think that things are as bad as they are, she seems to think people should repress their emotions, feelings and problems. And my family and I are black christians and I feel like some times those demographics don't deal with issues in a productive manner. Not to talk bad about those groups but that's how I feel. I trust that god will help and take care of me which I believe he always has but he also gives is resources to get the help we need and therapy could be what I need and out of reach all because I'm having to depend on my mom to pay for that! That's the ONE thing she won't help with.

Originally Posted by costello

That was my first thought: Sink into a catatonic state. See if that gets Mom's attention!